He read the letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."

Al Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a couple more head coaches before the season ends.

Davis then pulled out a stack of mail, which apparently included a letter he sent to Lane Kiffin telling him about his decision, but it had been misplaced. Davis proceeded to begin reading each piece of mail in order to find it. After a couple hours of listening to him read bills, hate mail from Oakland fans, and special offers from Life Alert, he finally found the letter. After all that reading he was quite parched, so he called over his personal waitress that follows him around everywhere and serves him drinks like in a 60's jazz club. He got a mix of Ensure, vodka, and gin, a drink he called a "Salty Reagan".

He read the letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."

Al Davis then made a strange awkward face, and his personal nurse came over to see what was the matter. He whispered something into her ear, and she proceeded to lift him up onto the podium and begin to change his adult diaper. Most of those in attendance then began to vomit profusely.

SportsComedian.com