Everyone knows Jay Cutler is a douche bag. Everyone knows that Mike Dunleavy is a terrible coach. Everyone knows Al Davis is off his rocker. And everyone knows that if JaMarcus Russell spent half as much time practicing football as he did eating, he might actually be a good quarterback.
We always joke about athletes and what they are thinking, but now we know, thanks to some very creative and snarky tweople who have started fake athlete Twitter accounts.
Did you wonder what Jay Cutler was really thinking about after his five-interception meltdown against the 49ers last Thursday? Or what Mike Dunleavy is thinking during a typical (patent pending) fourth quarter meltdown? Or what JaMarcus Russell orders at the drive-thru at McDonald’s?
If so, it’s time for you to jump on the Twitter bandwagon and start following these not-so respected sports figures.
Now, without further ado, I give you the top five best fake athlete Twitter accounts.
5) Kenny Powers – @KFUCKINGP
Ok, this isn’t a fake account, but it’s a real account of a fake person. Fair enough?
The star of HBO’s recent hit comedy, Eastbound & Down, takes his persona from the small screen to Twitterland. The self-proclaimed bulletproof tiger has a crude yet hilarious sense of humor for those of you who can take a dirt joke; and so far, there are almost 59,000 people who can.
Here are some of his best tweets:
"Growing up, I’d always tell my brother Dustin to stand further back from the urinal so people think your dick’s bigger."
"The best advice I got my rookie year was to always live by the "Three P’s." •Peyote •Pussy •Percocet"
4) Mike Dunleavy – @notmikedunleavy
I’ll step aside and let Bill Simmons take this one:
"Forget that he’s a mediocre coach and an even worse GM, that Clippers fans openly grumble about him during games, that he dresses like a movie usher, that he clearly has nude photos of somebody important and that can be the only explanation for all of this."
"Again, forget all these things. Just come back with me to two Mondays ago. The Clippers are tied with a depleted Spurs team. Less than 29 seconds remain on the clock. I’m talking to the disgruntled father-son combo behind me (Lenny and Jessie) and make the mistake of saying that the Clips might pull this one out."
"They come out of the huddle. The first sign of trouble: Three-point specialist and 12th man Steve Novak has entered the game for the Clippers. Why? I have no idea. This is a Dunleavy speciality — throw the coldest bench guy in the game in the biggest possible spot. With the Spurs still trickling onto the court after the timeout, we watch in horror as Novak is STRETCHING to get himself loose. He’s stretching! He looks like a 45-year-old guy who just got called into a Thankgiving touch football game. That’s followed by a 20-second timeout, which gives Novak time to perform an impromptu pilates session at the top of the key. At this point, I would have bet my life on a Novak airball to end the game."
"My point is this: Somehow, someway, in one of the most inexplicable turn of events that’s ever happened in this league, Mike Dunleavy is the only person currently coaching an NBA team and handling personnel decisions at the same time. Mike Dunleavy! How does this happen? My head hurts."
And that is why Bill Simmons sponsors Mike Dunleavy on Basketball-Reference.com.
Here are his best fake tweets:
"This Stephen Jackson trade alters the entire balance of power among teams that will win less than 30 games."
"I told the team last night to play 48 good minutes. Unfortunately, pregame warm-ups were 30 of those minutes."
3) JaMarcus Russell – @FakeFatJamarcus
Here are the most regretted words from 2007: "The Oakland Raiders, with the first overall selection, take JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU."
Who would have guessed that being able to throw a football through the goal post from midfield on your knees wouldn’t have guaranteed Russell a permanent spot on the All-Pro team?
To quote Mike Tanier of Football Outsiders after the draft in 2007:
"Russell joins a long list of young quarterbacks who developed into superstars with the Raiders. There’s Andrew Walt … uh, no, but there’s Todd Marino … um, Marques Tui … er, Marc Wil … eh, Billy Joe … wait … Ken Stabler, 35 years ago! On the bright side, though, at least Russell will get to work with a real offensive coordinator (Greg Knapp), not that Basil Fawlty guy they had last year."
To sum up, here is the "bio" of @FakeFatJamarcus: "I like food, Madden 10, jewelry, chillin’, da club, and football. In that order."
Here are some of his greatest tweets (oh, and he likes to use the third person):
"JaMarcus can throw a football 60 yards from my knees. The only thing Gradkowski does well from his knees doesn’t involve a football."
"You know what else JaMarcus can throw 80 yards? A cheeseburger. But then I’d be wasting a perfectly good cheeseburger."
2) Al Davis – @VeryFakeAlDavis
The man who made the fake JaMarcus account possible.
Al Davis is a perpetual nightmare for Oakland Raider fans. His stubbornness, obsession with having complete control, and infatuation with players who fare well at the NFL Combine, have turned a once-proud franchise into the laughingstock of the NFL.
And if that weren’t enough, he ruined the Oakland Coliseum for my beloved
A’s by adding the atrocity that is Mount Davis.
Here is a fantastic (yet painful) story about Al Davis from the San Jose Mercury’s Tim Kawakami:
"Do you know the Deng Xiaoping story? That’s the infamous one, I guess. It was at the press conference announcing the hiring of Kiffin. Afterwards I was talking to Al, and remarked that I thought it was a strange hire, given that Kiffin was so young and had no head coaching experience. Al didn’t like that, and said: ‘I’ll bet you don’t even know who Deng Xiaoping was.’ I was like, what? What does that have to do with anything?"
"Al pressed it. ‘Who is Deng Xiaoping?’ So I thought for a minute, and said, ‘Well, if I’m not mistaken, wasn’t he the General Secretary of the Chinese government during the Tiananmen Square massacre?’ And Al repiles, ‘But what can you tell me about him other than that? See? You don’t even know anything about your own culture.’ I said, ‘Al, I’m Japanese-American, not Chinese.’ And Al said, ‘Ohh, geez. I bet you’re going to kill me on that now.’ It all happened in front of about 20 reporters, so I didn’t have to."
Here are my favorite fake Al Davis tweets:
"Sherm Lewis was my favorite bingo caller at Tom Walsh’s B&B."
"Nobody finishes off a penalized play like DHB"
"45 min from wheels down in KC. JaMarcus has been staring down a photo of the hotel buffet and patting an imaginary football for hours."
"Michael Bush’s success is a revelation. From now on, we’re snapping the tibias of all incoming rookies"
1) Jay Cutler – @NotJayCutler
Jay Cutler has quickly become the NFL’s favorite whipping boy. The spoiled, rich, prep school quarterback, who emits an "I am the shit" persona with a taste of douche-baggery thrown in, has quickly learned how to use Twitter.
And it couldn’t be more spot on.
The Cutler imposter perfectly captures the essence of the Bears’ whiny, alcoholic quarterback.
Comparing himself to Brett Favre last year didn’t really help his cause, claiming he has a stronger arm than the Vikings’ quarterback, "Yeah, I think so," Cutler told the Denver media, laughing. "He’s 39, soon to be 40. I think he may have given me a run back in his 20s, but I think I got him now."
To quote Gourmet Spud of Deadspin, Cutler’s sole motivation to improve as a quarterback is to be able to publicly declare, "Sure, Mother Theresa helped a lot of people, but last time I checked, she never once threw for 4,000 yards."
Here are my favorite fake Cutler tweets:
"I knew I was a good fit with the Bears ’cause I nick-named my penis the "Monster of the Midway" as well."
"There’s nothing more disrespectful than a chick that won’t give road head when you drive her home."
"For my money, nothing shaves my arms like a Schick Quattro."
"I hope Lovie Smith keeps his job. Having a black coach gives me street cred."
"It doesn’t matter if I win on the field. My New York Giants are undefeated in my Madden ‘10 season."
"Matt Forte said he wants the ball more. Someone’s getting teabagged tonight."