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Tom Cable's actual job with the Raiders REVEALED!! Rated PG-13

WARNING: This is a purely entertaining piece. There is naughty language in it. If you are offended I would suggest that you move along, nothing to see here. Better yet, you might consider a halftime show with Rod Woodson as your co-host. You would strike ratings gold.

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I think I have solved the ugly mystery of Tom Cable's status as "head ball coach" of the Oakland Raiders.

Tom Cable is a professional shitcatcher.

I didn't realize this was an actual profession. I have seen, in those nickel classifieds cluttering the front of every chain-style grocery store ever, an ad for a person who will, for a nominal fee, pick up your dog's multiple bombs so you never have to dry heave while you reap the benefits of dog ownership.

It then dawned on me that surely, there are people who do this for people who tend to catch unnecessarily large amounts of shit. If this is truth that I speak, then it must be so. Logically, thought that would be a stretch, I tried to figure out who would need such a service. These people would be well off, though on the decline. They would need larger than life personalities. They would spend extravagantly on things that the average man (or woman) would consider excessive and wasteful. They would make rash decisions and stick by them, even when all reason would persuade the hardiest of us to knuckle under and cave to the incessant pressure.

Well, that certainly made the task easier.

But what, praytell, would a shitcatcher do exactly? They would play foil to the afflicted party, appearing a buffoon to the world for keeping company with such a person. They would appear even more foolish than the person who hired them. Attention would be diverted to said shitcatcher, and any decisions made by the employer would appear as though the shitcatcher made them. People would assume that all good decisions were not made by him (or her) and poor decisions were the result of the shitcatcher's horrible judgement.

Sound familiar?

Many of us here have been on a desperate search for Tom Cable's role on the Raiders. His official title is "Head Coach," though we saw last year's team. He isn't really coaching. You could argue that he plans the game, but he doesn't. It is clearly apparent that Hue Jackson calls offensive plays, John Marshall calls defensive plays (albeit from the 1970's), I-forget-who calls special teams. Tom Cable isn't coaching anything. But wait, you say, doesn't he coach the offensive line? I think, after watching our offensive line perform week after agonizing week, that no one does. If there's any line coaching by Cable, it probably goes like this: Okay, Mario, go out and block someone. Hue said we're running on this play. Go kick some ass! That's not coaching, that's stating the obvious.

It seems kind of stupid, but look at other coaches around the league who perform essentially the same function.

Brad Childress-The semicoach of the Vikings. At least until Brett Farve arrives a week before the season opener.

Wade Phillips-aka the guy who keeps the seat warm for Jason Garrett. At least he coaches the defense. Maybe.

Eric Mangini-A guy who has proven, with the Jets and now Cleveland, that he cannot be trusted to coach by himself at all. Holmgren is getting nostalgic.

There's a few more I could have thrown in here. Norv Turner could apply with his utter subservience to AJ Smith, yet Norv has put his stamp on the team, driving them deeper into the abyss as is his tendency. I'm sure many of you could throw some in the fire for being pseudo head coaches. But, these three in addition to Cable would certainly qualify to be a professional shitcatcher. Certainly I would put our coach at the top of the list. Dare I say, that he would be overly qualified.

Random thought of the morning: Why is it that when we lose, it's Al Davis's antiquated scheming. but when we win, the coaches locked the doors and cut the phone lines?

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