I figured if I titled it that it would save most of you the trouble of hating it. This is the first round based off of nothing but my morbid sense of humor. Take all choices with a grain of salt.
BREAKING NEWS!!!! There has been a trade involving the Rams and the Browns!! The Rams have sent their #1 overall pick to the Browns for their 1st rounder, their 3rd rounder, and a 2nd rounder next year!!
With the #1 pick, the Cleveland Browns select Sam Bradford. Mike Holmgren is seen weeping between bites of KFC's new Double Down sandwich.
With the #2 pick, the Detroit Lions select Russell Okung. Matt Millen's ghost is heard laughing hysterically in Ford Field.
With the #3 pick, the Bucs select Ndamukong Suh and hurriedly take him to Tampa lest he find out just how bad this team is before he signs his contract.
With the #4 pick, the Washington Redskins select Trent Williams. Angry Skins fans mistake teabaggers for antiSnyder rally, start wearing 3-corner hats to games in a show of protest.
With the #5 pick, the Kansas City Chiefs select Bryan Bulaga. Chiefs fans attempt to get angry, accidentally set fire to whole trailer park.
With the #7 pick, the St. Louis Rams select Jimmy Clausen. Everyone screams.
With the #8 pick, the Oakland Raiders select Gerald McCoy. Al stuns everyone, makes a sane pick for once and jokes that he's picked the real McCoy. Groans heard from Oakland to New York.
With the #9 pick, the Buffalo Bills select Colt McCoy. Ralph Wilson makes same joke, silence finally comes to the city.
With the #10 pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Joe Haden. Jags fans thank god it's not Tebow.
With the #11 pick, the Denver Broncos select Dez Bryant. Roger Goodell suspends him for 8 games "As a preventative measure."
With the #12 pick, the Miami Dolphins select Jason Pierre-Paul. Gloria Estefan dances for no reason.
With the #13 pick, the San Francisco 49ers select Derrick Morgan. Morgan thanks them as he has permanent gold helmet tattooed on his head.
With the #14 pick, the Seattle Seahawks select Everson Griffen. Carroll congratulates himself for picking someone who was "very well coached in college."
With the #16 pick, the Tennessee Titans select Sergio Kindle. Jeff Fisher jokes he can get one for 200 bucks.
BREAKING NEWS!!! The Jaguars have traded their 2nd round pick and their 2nd rounder next year for the #17 pick!!!
With the #17 pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Tim Tebow. Everyone in the city screams with joy, ask why they didn't know Jacksonville had football team.
With the #18 pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers select Maurkice Pouncey. Roethlisberger offers to "show him the bathroom."
With the #20 pick, the Oakland Raiders select Mike Iupati. Cable weeps, steals 8-piece from Holmgren.
With the #21 pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select Golden Tate. He complains that he's only "#3 at best."
With the #22 pick, the New England Patriots select Jared Odrick. Belichick remains focused on next game.
With the #23 pick, the Green Bay Packers select Kyle Wilson. He is happy to be living in "basically a place like Boise, except the turf is blue from the ice."
With the #24 pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select Earl Thomas. He will be booed for being one of the best safeties for 10 years then traded for a 2nd round pick.
With the #26 pick, the Arizona Cardinals select Demaryius Thomas. Cardinals go back to being mediocre.
With the #28 pick, the San Diego Chargers select CJ Spiller. Raider Nation bitches.
With the #29 pick, the New York Jets select Ryan Matthews. Rex Ryan gives him a dirty Sanchez.
With the #30 pick, the Minnesota Vikings select Dan Williams. This keeps their tradition of guys named Williams being DTs.
With the #31 pick, the Indianapolis Colts select Toby Gerhart. Peyton no longer only goofy looking guy on team.
With the #32 and final pick of the 1st round, the New Orleans Saints select Nate Allen. Who dat? Beats me.
Do remember I don't put any stock in this actually happening. It's as serious as a fart joke. Mock it mercilessly, please. Though I don't think many would mind this going down.