MINNEAPOLIS, MN - NOVEMBER 20: Carson Palmer #3 of the Oakland Raiders hands off the ball to Michael Bush #29 against the Minnesota Vikings on November 20, 2011 at Mall of America Field at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by Adam Bettcher /Getty Images)
hoy, Raider fans! It's time for another exciting edition of the Fantasy Foretelling. This week, our heroes face a tough team in Da Bearsss and look to grind out a win at home. After the jump, I'll tell you what to do with the real life players on your make-believe team.
As we all know, Da Bearsss are without their top player, QB Jay Cutler. This is good because Jay Cutler has made a career out of shredding the Raider secondary into tiny bits. In his stead Da Bearsss will start Caleb Hanie, which is not a football name. It's the sort of name that makes me want to give him an atomic wedgie and stuff him in a gym locker. Da Bearsss may as well start Poindexter Higginbottom at QB. On that subject, Sage Rosenfels is also not a football name- it's a name for someone like the girl who sells pot at the local medical marijuana shop. She owns five cats and is wearing way too many crystals because she thinks they give her energy. But I digress. On to fantasy football.
QB Caleb Hanie: We can probably skip him because nobody owns him. However, a lot of people owned Jay Cutler and too bad for them. Anyone who owned a Bear in fantasy football not named "Forte" or "Defense" made their bed and now they get to lie in it. Hanie throws for 140 yards and runs for another 40.
RB Matt Forte- Start. With the passing game on hold, Forte will be the focus of the Chicago attack. Now, I realize we all said that last week about Adrian Peterson and then he got hurt. Forte is pretty durable, so that might not happen to him. If healthy, Forte will get at least 120 rush yds and a touchdown. If he does get hurt (like a lot of players do against the Raiders) Da Bearsss have Marion Barber as a backup. That's sort of like saying "Well, Jeff Gordon can't drive the car today, so instead we got Toonces the Driving Cat."
WR, uh, well, Johnny Knox I guess: Bench any and all Chicago WR except for Devin Hester. He might just run one back.
Da Bearsss defense: Start. The Raiders are not the Packers, and won't put up ungodly numbers that would make Da Bearsss a bad play this week.
And now, on to our heroes!
QB Carson Palmer: Start unless you have a better option. The Raiders may not find a whole lot of room to run, and if they do it will make their attempts to have a balanced offense that much more effective. Da Bearsss have a good secondary and good linebackers, but Palmer is the sort of strong-armed accurate QB who can overcome that. 240 pass yds, 2 TD, 1 INT.
RB Michael Bush: Start. The Raiders may not have a lot of success with the run this week, but that doesn't mean they won't keep trying until it works. That's pretty much their personality. Eventually, Bush will break a few long ones. 110 rush yds, TD.
WR Chaz Schilens: Start him if you for some reason own him. Carson's passes have to go somewhere, and Schilens is that last WR standing. 65 rec yds, TD.
TE Kevin Boss: Start. If our dear friends and colleagues at Windy City Gridiron know that opposing TEs are a weakness for Da Bearsss' defense, then you can be certain Hue Jackson knows this too. 80 rec yds, TD.
Raiders defense: Start. Da Bearsss are going to have trouble moving the ball consistently. Also, remember when the Lions played them and nearly killed Jay Cutler due to poor pass blocking? Yeah, they're going to have that sort of trouble on Sunday too. I say Hanie gets sacked at least four times, and might lose a fumble.
I intentionally left out anyone who's on the injury report for the Raiders. So, Nation, what do you think will happen on Sunday? Did I miss anyone? What excites you the most about the game?