RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs Titans

Bob Levey

Coming off a big win at Houston last week, what does the Great Beyond have in store for the Raiders this week against the Titans?

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, your role model, your hero, your paragon of virtue, and the World's Freshest Man. This week Oakland hosts the Titans in the Unfriendly Confines of the Oakland Coliseum (I will not call it McAfee or o.co or whatever corporation Alameda County has sold its soul to this week).

The Titans come in with a record of 4-6 and are not nearly that good. The Raiders also come in at 4-6 and are much better than that. The Titans lost to the Jaguars. AT HOME. Yes that's right friends, Tennessee subjected their own fans, many of whom actually paid real money on purpose to watch the Titans play a football game, to the indignity of watching the team lose to the worst football team since the 2005 Lions.

But such is the life of an Oilers Titans fan, the team that utterly wasted the NFL careers of Earl Campbell, Bruce Matthews, Warren Moon, Eddie George, Steve McNair, and Al Del Greco, and whom (were it not for the providence of the Chicago Bears) would have done the same to the career of Buddy Ryan. A pox upon their house, I say. This is the team that, in return for the years of longsuffering hipster fans who steadfastly refused to sell out and become Cowboys fans because that was too mainstream, repaid those folks by moving the team to Nashville. Those fans now are forced to watch Matt Schaub redefine the word "mediocre" and watch their home team yet again waste the career of one of the league's greatest players, Andre Johnson. For shame.

The Titans are apparently still coached by Mike Munchak, which up until today I was convinced was actually the name of a breakfast cereal. I looked up a picture of Munchak, and my first thought was "He looks a lot like George W. Bush", and certainly was not "Oh hey look, that's NFL Hall of Fame offensive guard Mike Munchak, who was taken eighth overall and immediately before Marcus Allen in the 1982 NFL Draft." But hey, that's who he is. I could not have picked Munchak out of a lineup, and was uncertain that Mike Munchak's wife could have done so either.

Munchak was hired as a replacement for that greasy little John Oates-lookalike wharf rat Jeff Fisher, who bolted to St. Louis after deciding he preferred Western music to Country music. If you have never been to Nashville, it has thousands of little dive honky tonk bars where any schmuck with an acoustic guitar can and will get up on stage and play you a song they wrote themselves when they were in a very difficult time in their lives and there is no rock and roll anywhere whatsoever. Cowboy hats are mandatory. It is a city ordinance. There is also a very large Bass Pro Shop which frankly is the high point of Nashville.

When the Titans mosey on into Oakland this weekend, I have a feeling the Raiders will be playing heavy metal music over the loudspeakers. This is likely to frighten the Titans and possibly intimidate them, because the most aggressive music they get back home is Montgomery Gentry. They are also likely to be taken aback at the rudeness of the fans occupying the Black Hole. Everyone is nice in Tennessee. Nobody is nice in Oakland, and if they are, they are trying to lull you into a false sense of security so they can steal your wallet and/or car. Ryan Fitzpatrick, who attended Harvard University, will I'm sure be totally poleaxed by this because he went to Harvard by God and how dare these unwashed plebes speak to him in such a manner he went to Harvard. Harvard.

So the Titans have, uhh... well there's this guy... hmm. I look over their roster and I see nothing that resembles familiarity. All the good Titans are ex-Titans. Jevon Kearse, Albert Haynesworth, Kevin Dyson, Rob Bironas, and the aforementioned Eddie George and Steve McNair. Oh, hey! Chance Warmack plays guard. I know that guy. And there's the dude who used to be Chris Johnson.

The Raiders are finally getting healthy and have a real quarterback and a productive running game and a stifling defense. Guess what kind of defenses Harvard graduate Ryan Fitzpatrick hates? That's right, stifling ones!

Titans, you are not prepared. Whatcha gonna do brother, when the 24-inch pythons and all these McGloiniacs run wild on you, brother? Whatcha gonna do?

Raiders win, 27-19.

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