Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, well-rested and fed from my Tofurkey hunt last week. The Great Beyond smiled upon me but not upon the Raiders, who were soundly defeated by Dallas after scoring only three points in an abysmal second half. I, Raiderdamus, correctly predicted the Cowboys would score 31 points. I understand the Raiders are in a unique situation what with having blown up the team and starting over from scratch, but on any other team Dennis Allen's seat would be so hot he could incubate chicken eggs in his armpits. Perhaps the Raiders should hire a second coach to do the halftime adjustments and coach the second half of games.
The Raiders travel to New Jersey this week to take on the Jets. Rex Ryan is still employed for reasons beyond the scope of my understanding. My only guess is that the Jets are taking the altruistic route and making sure no other team is able to hire him and infect themselves with his singular brand of mediocre. That's very charitable of them. Rex Ryan has sucked for so long, Al Davis tried to fire him five years ago, and was horrified to learn he had no authority or jurisdiction to fire someone whom he did not actually employ.
In honor of the game being played in New Jersey, I have assembled some fun facts for your amusement and edification:
Geno Smith's favorite dessert is turnovers.
It is against the law in New Jersey to slurp your soup. Luckily for Rex Ryan, feet are not legally classified as soup in New Jersey.
New Jersey has no official state song. The unofficial state song is "Livin' On A Prayer".
Bayonne, New Jersey is the hometown of 'Game Of Thrones' author George R. R. Martin. This explains why the New York/New Jersey media enjoys torturing, maiming and eventually killing its own heroes.
For many years, New Jersey has been terrorized by the Jersey Devil. Some people believe this Devil to be a mythical creature born of witchcraft who resides in the Pine Barrens. I happen to know the Jersey Devil is actually just Rich Kotite, who got hopelessly lost after being fired by the Jets in 1996 and now wanders the state, vainly searching for the ghost of Keyshawn Johnson.
Earlier this season in Week 5, despite carrying a record of 3-2, the Jets were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
The last and only Jets quarterback to win the Super Bowl was 'Broadway' Joe Namath, who attended the University of Alabama. Auburn defeated Alabama in the 2013 Iron Bowl last week, which has nothing whatsoever to do with the Jets but is about the only thing keeping me warm right now because it is twenty below zero outside.
The Oakland Raiders, win or lose, will still smell like New Jersey when they get home.
So, this is a game the Raiders should win handily. Instead, they will do what they always do on the East Coast, they will get out to a fast start and then herp and derp their way through the second half before collapsing at the end of the game in a display of collaps-itude that would make the Kingdome jealous. If there were ever a home team that didn't deserve to win, it's these here Jets, but win they will because Dennis Allen forgetting how to coach in the second half of football games no longer appears to be a trend, but rather an immutable law of nature. Newton gave us the Laws of Motion, Boltzmann gave us the laws of entropy, God gave us these Fifteen *crash* Ten Commandments, Hammurabi gave us his Code, and Dennis Allen gives us "The game lasts for 30 minutes".
Jets win, 20-16.