The draft has happened and the players have gone to their respective teams. But what if these players were drafted based on their names? The Raiders followed this philosophy a few years back when they drafted Slade Norris and Stryker Sulak in the same draft. Sulak was oddly cut before training camp and Norris didn't make the team out of camp.
I know this idea is one everyone has been DYING to see explored so I took the time to put together my 2013 NFL All-name draft. Enjoy.
1 Kansas City Chiefs Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama
Any team would be silly not to take a Chance on a guy with the name WAR MACK. That just sounds like someone who will go to battle with you before running you over like a big rig truck.
2 Jacksonville Jaguars Ace Sanders, WR, South Carolina
Sanders is a dynamite return man. Expect to hear the Jaguars and their fans saying they have an "Ace in the hole" or "An Ace up their sleeve" or "Coming up Aces". The Dolphins traded up to the third pick hoping to get Ace so there would also be the endless Ace Ventura references but the Jags went all in and got him with the second pick.
3 Dolphins (from Raiders) Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU
Barkevious is either the name of a Roman gladiator or a small dog in a blonde starlet's bag at the Beverly Center. Either way, he's one vicious sumbitch. "I am Barkevious Mingus. Father to neutered testicles, emasculated by pink bows and fruity dog shampoo. And I will have my vengeance. In this life or the next."
4 Philadelphia Eagles Trent Steelman, QB/WR, Army
An ARMY football player named Trent friggin' STEELMAN? Are you kidding me? He sounds like he belongs in an MST3K parody.
5 Detroit Lions Ezekial Ansah, DE, BYU
"I will carry out great vengeance on them and punish them in my wrath. Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I take vengeance on them." - Ezekial 25:17. The Lions had pass rush questions; this man is the Ansah.
6 Cleveland Browns JaMoris Slaughter, DB, Notre Dame
The Browns had a guy with the last name Slaughter once - Webster Slaughter. They drafted him in round 2 in 1986 and he played the first six seasons of his career there, making the Pro Bowl once. They hope JaMoris Slaughters the opposition too. This is a high-risk pick though because his name is one "S" away from laughter.
7 Arizona Cardinals Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU
This is a very high-risk, high-reward pick. Not so much because he has popped positive on more than ten drug tests in college but because with a name like Tyrann, he may be able to tear you to shreds but his comically tiny arms make interceptions nearly impossible.
8 Buffalo Bills Nickell Robey, CB, USC
Not since Reggie Corner has a defensive back been more appropriately named. Well, we know in what packages he'll be featured.
9 New York Jets Darius Slay, CB, Mississippi State
The Jets sent Darrelle Revis to the Buccaneers and replace him with Darius Slay. This is definitely an upgrade in the name department.
10 Tennessee Titans Zavier Gooden, OLB, Missouri
The Titans needed a linebacker and they got a Good'en. (is this thing on?)
11 San Diego Chargers DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama
DJ stands for Daniel JESUS. They figure having the middle name Jesus cancels out his last name having "Fluke" in it.
12 Oakland Raiders (from Dolphins) Alfred Davis, DT, Arkansas
This would be a reach for most teams but when you are the Raiders and you are faced with the opportunity to draft Al Davis, you make that pick. Even if it's a reach. Hopefully he has a good 40-yard dash time.
13 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Matt Stankiewitch, C, Penn State
The Pewter Pirates get a Stankie Witch from the Nittany Lions. Man, you gotta have a mean streak with a name like Stankiewitch. That's just brutal.
14 Carolina Panthers Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah
Literally, the Star prospect of this draft. With that name on the board, how he falls this far is a complete mystery.
15 New Orleans Saints Reid Fragel, OL, Ohio State
Fragel rocks. Nuff said.
16 St. Louis Rams Daxton Swanson, CB, Sam Houston State
A first name that sounds like a character on American Gladiators and a last name like... um... starts with an S... Swim, Swammy... Slippy... Slappy... Simmons, Salmon, Swenson... Swanson?.... oh yeah, it's right here; Samsonite! I was WAY off.
17 Pittsburgh Steelers Kerwynn Williams, RB, Utah State
The Steelers can't figure out what went wrong last year. They need to ask how and ask now so they will ask Kerwynn Williams. They figure he can cover up the problem at least temporarily.
What's better than the nickname "Tank"? Having the name Cornelius. What's better than being named Cornelius? Being named Cornelius Carradine.
19 New York Giants Daimion Stafford, CB, Nebraska
There's no "I" in team but there is one too many in Daimion Stafford.
20 Chicago Bears Stephane Milhim, OL, Massachusetts-Amherst
Speaking of I's, Stephane is one "I" away from Stephanie which means getting coffee at Starbucks has always been difficult for him. He is so insecure about it, he actually has the word "him" in his last name.
21 Cincinnati Bengals Rex Burkhead, RB, Nebraska
It is really hard not to say the name Rex Burkhead without picturing a large, cross-eyed behemoth cracking his knuckles. His last name is one letter away from being "Bulkhead" which is a military term for a wall. This running back is going to hit you like a big, dumb, brick wall.
22 Washington Redskins Bacarri Rambo, DB, Georgia
Yes, the Redskins traded this pick last year to get RGIII. But for these purposes, we're going to say they still have the pick. And boy are they thankful they do because they watch as Rambo falls into their lap. Add that his first name is one letter away from "Bacardi" and you have a liquored up killing machine.
23 Minnesota Vikings Christine Michael, RB, Texas A&M
With a name like Christine, no wonder he has character issues. It's the "Boy named Sue" complex. Salting the wound is his last name is actually a male first name. What a wicked twist of fate. The Vikings are hoping those anger issues show up on the field.
24 Indianapolis Colts Justice Cunningham, TE, South Carolina
Movie preview voice "He doesn't just want justice...." Cut to: mugger with a knife at a woman's throat "Gimme the purse, lady, or I'll carve you up!" Cut to black boots walking at deliberate pace. "...he IS Justice!" Cut to barrel of 10 gauge shotgun planted on the forehead of a terrified mugger as he drops his knife. Camera pans up to reveal man holding the shotgun with sobbing woman under his arm. "The name's Cunningham; JUSTICE Cunningham!" Coming to theatres in September.
25 Minnesota Vikings (from Seahawks) James Vandenburg, QB, Iowa
The Vikings are Pondering whether their current quarterback is the answer. They need a guy so tough, he prepares himself for games by laying in the middle of traffic as cars drive by on each side of him. So, they grab James Vanderbeek from "Varsity Blues". Vanderbeek, Vandenburg, whatever.
26 Green Bay Packers Jake Stoneburner, TE, Ohio State
Buckeye Jake the Snake Stone cold burner the Packer. That phrase is so juiced, his name needs to be tested for PED's. Or he should get oiled up in a spray tan and a speedo and start yelling into a microphone.
27 Houston Texans Jawanza Starling, DB, USC
I am fairly certain "Merry Jawanza Starling" is what Whoopi Goldberg writes on her holiday cards each year.
28 Denver Broncos Alec Lemon, WR, Syracuse
The former Orangeman, Lemon, goes to the Orange Crush. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.
29 Vikings (from Patriots) Kenbrell Thompkins, WR, Cincinnati
Yeah, no way that's a real name. Pretty sure this is a name Ron Burgandy would use in a prank call.
Ron: This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here and guess what, you got knocked up.
Veronica: Who is this?
Ron: This is Dr. Ken... Dr. Ken...brell... Th... omp... kins... Dr. Kenbrell Thompkins.
Veronica: Ron, is this you?
Ron: I'm a professional doctor. You saw me, you don't remember.
Veronica: This is pathetic
Ron: No, you're pathetic (click)
30 Atlanta Falcons Malliciah Goodman, DE, Clemson
Pronounced mah-lih-ki which is just a really bad ass name. A bad ass name followed by Goodman. His name is like Jeckyl and Hyde.
31 Cowboys (from 49ers) Da'Rick Rogers, WR, Tennessee
It is impossible to say his name any other way but DUH'Rick. Like if you were to ask him his name, he has to think about it for a moment as if he's unsure. I heard as a kid he got lost in a Publix market. The store manager asked him "What's yer name, son?". And he replied "DUUHHH...Rick?". Then over the store intercom system he said "We have a lost child who goes by the name of DUH'Rick. If this is yer child, please come to the customer service desk to claim him."
32 Baltimore Ravens Larry Warford, OG, Kentucky
The first round began with a big guard by the name of Warmack and end with a big guard by the name of Warford. Good God, y'all.