Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the scourge of the seven seas. I come to you today for the final time this season to give you one more prediction. The Super Bowl is upon us, featuring teams from the two states in the Union which have legalized marijuana. Lots of fans are going to be smoking a super bowl this weekend. As a result, whichever team loses, their fans will all be totally chill. Sales of Cheetos are going to skyrocket, dude.
I consulted the Great Beyond this week to get his take on the game, and this is what he had to say:
"You're finally back? I've been waiting two weeks for this. I get to gloat about the six consecutive playoff games that happened just as I said they would. Who can possibly doubt the Great Beyond now? Nobody, that's who. However, they still will disbelieve, for that is the nature of arrogant humans, thinking they can cheat Fate. They cannot, and that is the deep pit of fear they feel in their stomachs at night, knowing when they wake up, they will be one day closer to meeting me.
When Peyton Manning wakes up tomorrow, he will be one day closer to meeting Richard Sherman, which is nearly as terrifying. Old Man Winter is not cooperating as I thought he might, and the Super Bowl in New Jersey might not feature the driving blizzard I had suspected. Here's the thing, though- Peyton Manning lost to the crappy Saints defense in the Super Bowl in a DOME. How will he fare against the best defense since the 2000 Ravens in the elements? Probably about the same as he played against a game Ravens defense in the AFC title game last year.
Rex Grossman is not the signal caller for Seattle. Peyton Manning is going to have a bad time.
Russell Wilson is the quarterback for Seattle. Let's take a quick look back at the 2012 draft and see what QBs were taken ahead of Wilson:
Andrew Luck- okay, fine.
Robert Griffin III- fair enough, he won the Heisman.
Ryan Tannehill- he's doing alright, good frame to grow.
Brandon Weeden- lolwut
Brock Osweiler- I heard he's tall. A nutless monkey could play behind Peyton Manning. Right, Jim Sorgi?
The Jacksonville Jaguars, living firmly in their mental locked room watching Mark Brunell highlights on an infinite loop, passed on Wilson in the third round to draft punter Brian Anger. Anger is a quality punter, but for goodness' sake, punters are barely people let alone football players.
The Raiders in that draft did not have a pick prior to Wilson being drafted, but they did have a third round pick which they had forfetied due to selecting Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft. A notable player available at the slot the Raiders would have selected? Nick Foles. Oh, what might have been.
Seattle, as far as I know, does not have a single player with Super Bowl experience on their roster. This means 1) they are extremely young and 2) they have drafted exceptionally well. The Raiders would do well to copy this model. Their lines are stout, their running game is exceptional, their secondary is one of the best ever even without noted pothead Brandon Browner. Earl Thomas will mess you up. Richard Sherman will eat your children. Kam Chancellor will take your mother out for a seafood dinner and never call her again.
What can Peyton Manning do? He will do what he always does- derp around the field and use precision passing and a quick release to spread the ball around to several different receivers. This will merely serve to get them all killed. If you thought the Seahawks played physical against the 49ers, just wait until they play Denver. They may get called for one pass interference penalty, they may get called for two, but they will not get called for fifteen. They are going to mug Demaryius Thomas. They will pants Julius Thomas. They will give Eric Decker a swirlie. They will steal Wes Welker's lunch money. Welker will take a forty-minute shower and miss the second half of the game.
At the end of the game, Marshawn Lynch will attempt to pour Skittles into the Lombardi Trophy, mistaking it for the Stanley Cup. They Blackhawks may let Lynch borrow the Stanley Cup for the week out of sheer reverence. The bad part of all this is that the Seahawks fans, who were boisterous and arrogant in their misery and futility, will be positively unbearable in victory. They will become the new Red Sox fans.
The only thing unclear about this game is how much Bruno Mars is going to suck and if the Chili Peppers will play 'Sir Psycho Sexy'. I'll make sure some extra heroin 'falls' into Anthony Keidis' mailbox if that happens.
Seahawks win the Super Bowl, 29-23."
So there you have it, folks, the word of the Great Beyond. Thus has it been written, thus shall it be done.