"It ain’t always good to get high before you have important things to do." – Thurgood Jenkins, Half Baked
I originally posted this in the wee hours of a lost weekend and received two immediate comments: "I thought I was high… I guess not," and "Miller Lite tastes like water that’s been peed in." Thus encouraged, I decided to scrap it and revamp it later. I will admit that it was over the top thanks to a LOT of water that’s been peed in. It probably still is, but what the hell. Someone pointed out that we’re in the dead zone waiting on training camp. I’m not looking to mess with anyone, all I’m trying to do is help pass the time and provide a little entertainment. If you don’t care for this one, I apologize in advance. Here we go…
The recent "injury" posts scare the crap out of me, especially after last year. Pardon my ignorance, but does the team practice on Interstate 80? I’ll admit that if you can dodge 75+ MPH traffic, dodging NFL defenders should be child’s play, but damn. I have to believe that Levi snacked on Zoloft like popcorn during minicamp.
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems, but scary nonetheless. If this keeps up, hopefully they can somehow parlay these injuries into endorsements and possibly a stadium deal. Picture this commercial, if you have the stomach for it, featuring shameless pandering that would make the hillbillies from Duck Dynasty blush...
The current roster is seated on bleachers ala the team photo. In unison they say, "Hi, we're the Oakland Raiders, and while most of us are on season-ending IR, we use Advil, Aleve, Icy Hot, Nyquil, Prozac, Flintstones Vitamins, Miller Lite*, and Hyland’s Nerve Tonic! The rest of us will serve a 4-game suspension because we use Advil, Aleve, Icy Hot, Nyquil, Prozac, Flintstones Vitamins, Miller Lite, and Hyland’s Nerve Tonic!"
*If Miller Lite is in fact water that’s been peed in, it’s both eco-friendly and a renewable resource – When Captain Planet and the Planeteers have a kegger, I’ll bet it’s their beer of choice.
Flash to an "action" shot. The offense is running a toss sweep from the perspective of the defense coming right at you. OG Tony Bergstom and T Menelick Watson are leading, with RB Darren McFadden scanning the D and picking his running lane. Watson falls to the ground, clutching his calf and yelling, "Oh God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Allah, Buddha, Vishnuh, L. Ron Hubbard...!!!" Bergstrom loses a shoe, which, as it turns out, still contains his foot. McFadden spontaneously combusts.
Dennis Allen enters right to survey the carnage and extinguish the smoldering remains of RunDMC, shaking his head sadly. He turns to the camera and says, "A rash of injuries and THE most difficult 2014 schedule in the entire NFL left me impotent, like shooting pool with a rope. Turns out, it was a question of blood flow – to the brains of the scheduling committee. Thanks to Cialis, I have a hard-on for not only the rest of the AFC West, but the entire NFL!"
Pan to Raiders owner Mark Davis, who knowingly shakes his head up and down. He's leaning on a shovel, and as the camera continues to pan out, it reveals that both he and GM Reggie McKenzie carry shovels. They symbolically shovel several spades of earth before Mark looks to the camera and says, "We're symbolically shoveling several spades of earth in OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA! In case you missed it, we are one of if not THE most ICONIC BLEEP FRANCHISES IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL! ARE YOU BLEEP KIDDING ME!? OUR FAN BASE IS THE MOST LOYAL AND OUT OF THEIR BLEEP MINDS! QUIT BLEEP WITH US, GIVE US A BLEEP STADIUM, WHAT THE BLEEP IS THE DEAL!? BOB SAGET!"
At that moment, Mark staggers a bit and launches into a tirade reminiscent of Al "Scarface" Pacino. "YOU NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME, SO YOU CAN POINT YOUR BEEP FINGERS AND SAY, 'THAT'S THE BAD GUY!' IN AMERICA, FIRST YOU GET THE MONEY! THEN WHEN YOU GET THE MONEY, YOU GET THE POWER! AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THE POWER, YOU GET A BLEEP STADIUM!" He then points his shovel at the camera. "OKAY, YOU WANNA PLAY ROUGH!? SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" Reggie next wrestles Mark to the ground and administers Hyland’s Nerve Tonic in a manner reminiscent of the family dog getting its worm pill. Suddenly, a huge shadow falls over the two. In a scene reminiscent of "The Day the Earth Stood Still", NFL commissioner Roger Goodell descends from his space ship. All in an unprecedented attempt by the author to use the word "reminiscent" multiple times in the same paragraph.
"PEOPLE OF EARTH... NO... WAIT... RAIDER NATION. YOU SCARE THE BLEEP OUT OF US. I'M A FREAKIN' ROBOT THAT RUNS THE ENTIRE NFL, AND YOU MAKE EVEN ME UNEASY. WE DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE. YOU WIN. A NEW STADIUM IT IS. BEEP-BOOP."
"You’re looking live at sold-out ‘Advil, Aleve, Icy Hot, Nyquil, Prozac, Flintstones Vitamins, Miller Lite, and Hyland’s Nerve Tonic’ stadium in sunny Oakland, California..." The camera lazily surveys the Raiders’ beautiful new complex before switching to the press box. "Hi, I’m Jim Nance, and with me is my broadcast partner, Phil Simms, the only albino sportscaster in captivity." Nance wears a slight variation on the traditional novelty drink hat. While one tube runs from his mouth to an open can of Miller Lite mounted on his head, another runs from his mouth to a catheter located just below camera level. "Welcome to the Raiders’ pregame show, brought to you in part by Miller Lite…"
Well, that’s it. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you. Here’s to a successful and injury-free 2014 season. Keep the faith.
Raider Nation Forever.