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NFL Week 12, Dolphins @ Raiders: The Horror

This was me. The only difference is for me, on the part cut out of the picture there was a table directly below my head. Well, that and I am an ugly white dude.
This was me. The only difference is for me, on the part cut out of the picture there was a table directly below my head. Well, that and I am an ugly white dude.

I think that point might have come in the second half, I didn’t see it in the beginning. -Me...and Nnamdi 

I am so glad I only watched the first half on Sunday. I hadn't planned on leaving the fine sports establishment I was patronizing, but when your wife invites you on her recently won trip to Hawaii, you feel compelled to hit the  beach for surfing, laying in the sun and eating crab. After all, I didn't want to let her down. The trip didn't go exactly as planned though.

I became painfully aware of this, once my head got stuck in the corner and I was no longer free to rock back and forth on the floor and I, like a startled--just past-tensed sleep-walker, came to.'s the really lame part--I was not in Hawaii at all. I was still in the same bar in Washington. I was worried something was wrong with me until I noticed three other Raiders fans on the floor. My experience with such events led me quickly to the diagnosis. We had just experienced the Silver and Black-out. It is a viral affliction, efficient enough to eradicate itself by ending the population of its target. 

Shivering back to reality, the memories hit my brain with bad editing cuts, flashes of light and the sound of lightning. It was all I could do to keep from vomiting from The Horror. They came on, in nightmare vision. One after the other. First there was the faceless QB chucking ducks from his over-laden horse. Then, running backs dancing, while six guys in white, grope at them and five silver and black dressed, pig tailed little girls just stand there watching. Finally, a giant Dolphin jumped out of the water and crushed a pirate ship...just like those crazy South African Whales.

Driving home, I was self-medicating with delusions. The secondary was hurt. Zach Miller couldn't do as much they hoped and it crippled the offense. The Dolphins got healthy and they are a tough opponent. This kind of game happens. This team just won three games in a row and this is the team that never quits!

Then, like Eva Longoria thinking Tony Parker would not cheat on her, my delusions were shattered. Not only was Tony Parker cheating on me, but he was donkey...wait, I slipped into the wrong character there. Let's try this again. Not only was it not better than what I first thought, but it was supremely far from not better. I'd say it falls into Richard "Balloon-boy" Heene catergory of this-actually-worked-out-far-worse-than-I-thought not better.

Just look at these stats:

Oakland Stats: 550 Units of suck. 

Miami Stats: They did something they haven't done since Dan Marino was QB.

"What was that something?" You may ask. "Who cares?" I may say. "'s not good." Of course, that person may also say, "What happened to Walter McFadden? I liked him. Has he played yet?" At which point I would have to say, "fssst" (that's the karate sound effect I make when I am kicking my foot into someones *hip bone.*I always go for the hip, because I've learned that's where 90 year-old women are most vulnerable. 

Wait, back to the horror....

There was way too much familiarity out there on Sunday. The hardest porcupine to swallow had to be that garbage offense looking like the greatest show on turf (that'd be their garbage offense). This was the kind of outing from a team that makes other teams want to play them. And just like that, with one swift pull of the Jenga block, all that bye week enthusiasm comes rapidly crashing down. This had all the signs of a "We lost our purpose and the coach has lost us" meltdown. The most telling thing is in the quotes. Jason Campbell sums it up:

I didn’t understand the whole thing. He explained to me that when Bruce is healthy, fully healthy, he goes back in as the starter. My thing was in the Pittsburgh game, I was like, well he was healthy. ...It’s kind of tough because you’re caught right in between something and you don’t know what’s going on.

Transltion: "blah, blah, don't know who calls the shots, blah, blah. Even if I play crappy, I can just blame it on this looney organization blah, blah, blah." JC isn't the only one.

When pressed about the effects of the merky QB situation, Louis Murphy disclosed:

(I'm) not sure you can get into a rhythm going back and forth. This isn't high school. You gotta spend time with your quarterback.

High School? Did he really just go there? Damn, he really just went there. It's not all bad though. Just look at the even keeled words of Mike Mitchell:

Is everyone on our team going to decide that we’re censoreding around, and are we going to play? But that’s what this game was. It wasn’t coaching. It wasn’t scheme. It wasn’t anything. It was us. If you’re not 100 percent committed, you can’t play. You can’t be with it. That’s what it is. That’s what I gotta say about it. We need everybody on the same page doing it. Every play. That’s what it is.

Ugh! No! Not this again! This team is brutal and evil. They're evital. Just when I thought they were out of ways to hurt me, they find a new one. With great evital precision, they actually made me believe those days were over, but nooooo. Instead of the usual stumble down to inconsequential, this team had the mania to fall off of the New Day Ledge into the Rankor pit. 

I could have seen this coming, but I had been willing to let the Pittsburgh game slide. "It was one bad game on the road against a great team...blah blah...put it behind us." Now that thinking looks like "It's my fault they hit me. They promised they'd never hit me again." After the display Sunday, the Raiders made it official that these last two games were more about them than the other team. They would have lost to anyone. They just literally made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino and now the players be speakin' mutiny. The season's over.

Wait, the ill-fated rationalizations have already begun. "With one win, this loss will be forgotten. I felt the same way about the season as I did after the 49ers game and then the Raiders destroyed an AFC West opponent on the road. It's just two bad games. Things are about to get better."

...the beauty in it all, is we’ll make up our minds we want to go out and play. We can still control our own destiny, but playing like that, we don’t control nothing. --Richard Seymour