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Palpatating Predictions: Broncos-Raiders

Friends and Fellow Followers: Happy Days Are Here Again.

Earlier this week, I happened upon a police report. Here is what it said, "The bodies of ten men were found floating in the Gulf of Mexico. While this is not unusual in and of itself, what makes this unique is that these men have been identified and they were already US citizens. Also, each one had a letter carved out on his chest. An official Scrabble expert concluded that it was meant to say, 'You're Fired'. Detectives speculate it is the work of a disgruntled Apprentice participant. Tom Green is being held for questioning."

"This completed a bad week for Trump. Trump's casino took a bath in NFL action this week when he moved the line on the Raiders-Jaguars game to Jaguars -6.5 and the over to 29. The lost revenue means Trump owes even more money to a bank he is already not trying to pay."

Well, this tickled me to the bone, friends. I knew it was the work of the great one. My laughter was interrupted by the sounds of helicopter and a knock at the door. It was ol 'Damus himself visiting to pick me up for a spin in his new Bell-Boeing 609 Tilt Rotor Helicopter.

"Dude..." I didn't finish as we took off.

"I know, you saw the reports. It's simple really. I knew Trump was having Charlie Sheen followed since our incident. He was hoping to get to me or at least to my info. He lost his ass on the Raiders-Chargers game on the bogus info I planted with you. Well, what he also figured out was, I had Sheen, at the last minute, bet the farm at his already bankrupt casinos. This week I knew he was going to try and have his goons get the real info from Sheen. So, I sent the real future to you and a bogus one to Sheen. The goons kidnapped Sheen. They had to really give him the Jack Bauer treatment to get him to talk, but he did. Trump got that info and changed his lines to get more action on the Raiders and the over. Every fool in town played that game. Long story short, The Trump is in financial dire-straits and running for his life. You don't screw with Deutsche Bank. They already got to his goons."

"What about Ch..." It's kinda annoying, but you never have to finish a sentence with Dam.

"Sheen's fine. Well, he's still recovering, but he loves torture. He has some high quality 'medicine.' I couldn't tell him it was bogus info or they never would've believed him. I mean come on, you've seen his acting."

With that, we used some of the surveillance equipment and recreated a scene from Blue Thunder. If you've seen it, I am sure you know which one. He gave me his happy future musings and was off.

RaiderDamus is back with another round of fortuitous foretelling of a frightful future for one flock of footballers, and a fair future for another. Which will be which? Let's look closely at the teams.

The Broncos are what the Raiders used to be- no pass rush, no run defense, no blocking. Denver has a QB in Orton who started off this season looking like Unitas but has recently been playing like Craig Nall. The Broncos refuse to play Tim Tebow, even in a game against the Cardinals in which Orton was terrible and they had nothing else to lose by doing so. If this is part of the plan, it's a terrible plan. If it's not part of some plan and they just don't want to play it, they're incompetent. Either way, the Broncos are an awful group of players led  by awful coaches. At least if they played Tebow some, they could look forward to next year with some actual hope. At this point, their choices next year are #1 a QB who has been exposed as mediocre or #2 a QB who has never started a single NFL game.

If the Broncos did not stop us in Denver, they will not stop us in Oakland. In fact, since that 59-14 drubbing, they have only won a single game- a blowout of the Chiefs, so they help us even when they are sucking out loud. It is a Herculean task to describe just how much the Broncos suck. They are really terrible. I would consult an oracle for a revelation of words sufficient to describe the magnitude of their suck, but hey, I AM an oracle, so I'll just reach into my grab-bag of vocab and drop some knowledge on the masses.

Their coaching is reprehensible, their running game detestable, their pass offense repulsive. Their run defense may as well be zombies plodding along searching for gray matter to consume. Their pass defense is abhorrent and their special teams is appalling. Their fans are ignoble, boorish and malodorous.

The mighty Raiders will trample all over the sad-sack Donkeys on Sunday. It shall be the greatest victory since Hannibal led his army and his elephants over the Alps during the Second Punic War in 218 BC. Or, since the Lions beat the Packers last week.

Raiders win, 42-16. On the off chance Tim Tebow starts and plays more than half the snaps, the score shall be 36-20, Raiders win.