Hey there and welcome to RaiderDamus' Cave deep in the heart of parts unknown. Today we are going to examine the upcoming game between the Chicago Bears and a certain team from a certain city on the Pacific coast known to their fans as the Oakland Raiders. DAAAAAAA RAIDERS. So sit down, order some knockwurst and Polish sausage, and try not to have a heart attack while Mr. RaiderDamus Swerski reveals to all of you the results of the game on Sunday. Here's a hint: DA RAIDERSSSS.
Now before I start over here, I think it's clear by now even through all Raider fans' Polish sausage haze that the Raiders are clearly the most dominant team in all of football, don't you know. The running game is dazzling, Carson Palmer is clearly the greatest quarterback the game has seen since Jim McMahon, and Hue Jackson is a coach second only to Ditka himself. So the outcome of the game isn't really in doubt here. What needs to be determined are more whimsical, hypothetical situations, that we can discuss purely for our own amusement.
Let's assume for a moment that the Raiders somehow acquired Erik Pears to replace a hypothetical injured lineman. Now let's further assume that Erik Pears arrives at the O.co Coliseum and finds himself to be the only Oakland Raider in attendance at the game, all the other Raiders having fallen into some sort of alternate dimension. The Bears, however, are all at the game as planned. What would the score be? I'm going to have to say Raiders 42, Bears 17. PEARSSSSSS.
Alright, now let's assume that NASCAR driver Casey Mears suddenly switches occupations and becomes a change-of-pace halfback. He replaces Michael Bush as the Raiders' feature back. What would happen then? I'll go with Raiders 167, Bears 16. The Bears will keep it close for a quarter but then Mears will pull away. MEARSSSSSSS.
Finally, let's assume that the Raiders have all drank some sort of potion that makes them all have vertigo and they are now the size of housecats. The Bears are normal-sized and prior to the game Lovie Smith was fired and replaced with a certain Coach Ditka. Who would win in this situation? I predict Raiders 34, Bears 6. DAAAAA RAIDERS.
Now that we have the hypothetical game situations out of the way, let's decide some personal hypotheticals.
Who would win in a fistfight, Hue Jackson or Ditka? Clearly Hue Jackson would win because Buddy Ryan is too old to coach and Ditka can't win anything without him.
Who would win, Coach Jackson or a hurricane? Keep in mind, it's Hurricane Jackson. This one may be too close to call.
But as we all know, RaiderDamus Swerski is here to give the Raiders Superfans a prediction. My prediction is that after the game, all Bears fans will look something like this:
DA RAIDERSSSSSS 112, Bears negative 3.