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RaiderDamus' Fantasy Foretelling Week 14: Raiders vs. Packers

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MIAMI GARDENS, FL - DECEMBER 04:   Carson Palmer #3 of the Oakland Raiders passes during a game against the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium on December 4, 2011 in Miami Gardens, Florida.  (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
MIAMI GARDENS, FL - DECEMBER 04: Carson Palmer #3 of the Oakland Raiders passes during a game against the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium on December 4, 2011 in Miami Gardens, Florida. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
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Ahoy, Raider fans! RaiderDamus is back again for another exciting edition of the Fantasy Foretelling. Last week saw the Raiders do absolutely nothing whatsoever that could be considered good, but even in defeat Carson Palmer posted a halfway decent fantasy day. This week is the week we've all been dreading, when our beloved Raiders must travel up to the legendary frozen tundra of Lambeau to play the greatest and best team in all the land, the Green Bay Packers. After the break I will tell you what to do with the real-life players on your make-believe team.

Hey, so how about that Aaron Rodgers guy, huh? He is the best player in both real football and fantasy football. If you drafted Mike Vick over him, well, bad job by you. But guess who the number two player in fantasy football is? I'll give you a minute. Okay, time's up. It's Cam Newton. Who saw that coming? Bonus points if you drafted him. This thread is now a "How I got lucky enough to draft Cam Newton on my team" thread.

Nah, just kidding, although those stories are most welcome in the comments. Here are my recommendations for your fantasy team this week. (Note: I will be exaggerating the abilities, talents, and accomplishments of all Green Bay Packers personnel in hopes of creating some sort of reverse jinx, because that is the only way the Raiders are going to stay within twenty points)

QB Aaron Rodgers: START. As mentioned previously, Cal Bear graduate Rodgers is not only the best quarterback in real football and fantasy football, he is in fact the best football player at any position in the world and possibly the best of all time. If you do not start him, you are a unenviable buffoon. He is like Tom Brady, Peyton/Eli/Cooper/Archie Manning, Joe Montana, Troy Aikman, Randall Cunningham, Joe Namath, Y.A. Tittle, Norm Van Brocklin and Johnny Unitas all mixed into one breathtaking, superhuman specimen of pure manhood. Let's all do a "Discount Double-Check" in his honor. I predict 385 pass yds, 4 TD, 0 INT.

RB James Starks: Bench. He's hurt and might not play. He's about the only Packer worth benching. Ryan Grant sucks so bench his ass too.

WRs Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver: Start them all! You never know which one of them is going to catch the perfectly thrown balls from Aaron Rodgers. Have you noticed how Rodgers throws the ball in such a way that when his receivers catch it, they can continue running while avoiding a tackle? It's almost a supernatural talent. Rodgers Rodgers Rodgers. Collectively I predict 300 rec yds, 3 TD. I just can't tell you who will get them because Aaron Rodgers is so great at spreading the ball around, even to slow white guys like Jordy Nelson.

TE Jermichael Finley: Start. He is an uncoverable beast. The Raiders have nobody on defense remotely able to match up with him. 85 rec yds, TD.

Packers defense: Start. They may give up points but they are really good at taking the ball away. The turnovers points will make up for any negatives you get by giving up points.

And now onto the sacrificial lambs:

QB Carson Palmer: Start. Even in a crappy game he can still throw enough touchdowns to have a decent day. Against the Packers, he will have to throw a lot because the Packers are going to score quickly and often. It's a dream for fantasy owners and a nightmare for actual fans. 350 pass yds, 2 TD, 2 INT.

RB Michael Bush: Start. The weather forecast calls for it to be cold and sunny. If it were going to snow, Bush would be a no-brainer because that's runnin' weather. As it is, they will attempt to establish some sort of running game, but we saw last week what happens to the Raiders' running game against a tough 3-4 defensive front and hey, guess what defense the Packers run? 70 rush yds.

WR Darrius Heyward-Bey: Start. Palmer's gonna throw a lot and somebody has to catch it. Since Denarius Moore and Jacoby Ford apparently can't be arsed to play, DHB is the man. 100 rec yds, TD.

WR Chaz Schilens: Start him too. Whatever DHB doesn't catch will either end up incomplete or caught by Schilens. I expect 80 rec yds and a garbage-time TD.

Oakland defense: Avoid like the plague.

So tell me Nation, what sort of voodoo sacrifices are you going to make to try to influence a Raider victory? And what embarrassing things will you pledge to do if the Raiders actually win?