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Friday Funny: Contemplating the Raiders Reign of Dominance

2010 marked  a historic turning point in the path of evolution. The universe came ever closer to tuning to perfection and the increased harmony was felt in souls traversing not only this globe but globes over hundreds of miles away.

I am of course referring to the Raiders kicking the hell out of every team in the AFC West. 6-0, and just for good measure, a win over the Seahawks—who were kicked out of the division, in times long ago, for sucking.

The Raiders dominated these teams in such a fashion that allegedly one of the sticking points in the new CBA is the players of the other AFC West teams want to just forfeit their games with the Raiders instead of having to face the fear of playing them again.

Sooner or later these division rivals will battle again, and when they do victory is certainly going to the team with the eye-patch—for a long, long time.

How long you ask? Well, long enough for all of the following things to happen.

As always all ideas are in the spirit of laughter and not to be taken serious by anyone.

No. 21: Solving American Obesity


American obesity has become a huge problem. It kills all of us every year. The main cause is people reading to many articles online about obesity and the Oakland Raiders.

I don't imagine 99 tacos for two cents helps either.

When the Raiders next lose to an AFC West team American obesity will be a thing of the past. Not because we are going to change our habits—that'd be crazy—but because our Chinese masters are going to feed us just enough to keep us working all day.

No. 20: Mark Sanchez Wooderson: Dazed and Confused



When the Raiders next lose to the AFC West Mark Sanchez will still be dating 17-year-olds.

Sanchez will offer up this insight to reporters, "That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age."

No. 19: Thunderdome


After bumping into each other at a Backstreet Boys reunion concert Tom Brady and Justin Bieber will harmlessly exchange glares. Their hair will not be as friendly.

The foolish product of follicles will wage an intense fight to the finish that leaves both men shiny on top.

Women everywhere will be the victims.

No. 18: JaPizza the Hut


While appearing on Oprah, JaMarcus Russell will suffer through an never ending coughing fit. Oprah will offer Russell some cough syrup, and Russell will break down in tears and say, "Don't you get it! That stuff doesn't work for me anymore!" 

Oprah's couch will then crumble under his immense weight. Later that night that JaMarcus Russell will feed himself his own demise.

That's right. He is going to eat himself to death.

No. 17: Two Heads Are Better Than One


Jose Canseco will once again warn the world of a steroid problem. This time it won't be by choice.

As a result of the many different chemicals Canseco took to add bone and muscle mass, he is going to sprout a mini head out of his head.

His new head will be energetically behind the use of HGH–his original head will be busy trying to eat his new head.

No. 16: Not Again!


Brett Favre will come back and play in the NFL. This time he will wait a couple of years before launching his comeback. Here is a snippet of the upcoming press conference:

Reporter: Brett, you've been out of the game for three years. Why did you decide to come back now?

Favre: I'm not going to lie to you guys. I need the money.

Reporter: Come on. You've made over $100 million dollars in your career.

Favre: I'm serious fellas. I am broke. Do you guys have any idea how much it costs to send picture messages during peak hours? Those things add up quick!

No. 15: Genius Is As Genius Does


Kanye West will release an album of fart noises set to rhythms. It will be named album of the year, and it will earn Kanye a lifetime genius award.


No. 14: Too Much Of a Good Thing


Tragically, Jared will be stricken with the yet unheard of tybiriculosis ultinitis—or what will come to be known as Jared's Disease.

At the press conference, where Jared tearfully announces that he has this terrible new disease, he will memorably tell the public, "I never should have eaten a fast food sandwich every day for 40 years."

Apparently it was in the preservatives.

No. 13: It's a Wig


After revealing that it was never real hair on their heads, Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews build a fortune 500 company with a name inspired by their Alma mater: Trojan Wigs for Men.

Their slogan? Trojan—the name you trust when you want to cover your head.

No. 12: Biggest Loser


The saga of Michael Phelps will have a semi-happy ending as they are able to air lift him from his bed and out a hole in the roof of his house to get him to a much needed lap band surgery.

After retiring from swimming and facing a slowing metabolism, Phelps will go onto gain 1,103 pounds as a result of his 12,000 calorie-a-day diet.


No. 11: Contact



At some point the Raiders will get swept by the Chiefs...due to forfeit.

The Chiefs will be the only team left after aliens invade the U.S., and Kansas City is the only place they didn't want to take over.


No. 10: Oh What a Night



M. Night Shyamalamalamadingdong (sp?) will be a part of a good movie again.

Sure, it will be as the guy who gets the sandwiches for the people making it, but at least he will be contributing to something.

His dialog will still be insufferable. 

"Here is that sandwich you have recently ordered. Oh wait and look! It is not a sandwich at all, but in reality a ham burger!"


No. 9: Countdown Mavericks



Being out of work and having lots of new found time can lead to life changing decisions. In a move that shocks the wings on both sides, and a united reality TV audience, Sarah Palin and Keith Olbermman will be wed.

Here is a snippet from their soon-to-be famous honeymoon interview:

Sarah: Gosh darn it, I am just glad to be Mrs. Sarah Olbermman.

Keith: I was amazed she'd even talk to me after all the mean-spirited things I said about her.

Sarah: I had no idea what he was saying. I guess we both like to make up words.

Keith: Those were real words, Sarah.

Sarah: You are so funny, Keith.

Keith: What can I say? I am in love. Sarah has really helped me not be such a bitter windbag.

Sarah: We are going to get a house with an even better view of Russia!


No. 8: How Do You Like Them Apples?


Before the Raiders lose to the AFC West again the Broncos will cease to exist. After a few wildly successful drafts John Elway will trade the Broncos best players for the rights to Al Davis's original pair of sweatpants.

When the question "why?" is asked he will simply look at his Raiderette wife and say, "Once you go Silver and never go back."

Elway will then put on a Raiders jersey, and the heads of every Broncos fan will explode like they are in scanners.

No. 7: Starbucks Scandal



Starbucks founder and CEO Howard Schultz will be arrested after it is discovered his unique blend of coffee is really a high-potent and addictive mix of drugs.

Schultz: How else was I going to get people to pay $7.50 for something they could get for a buck?

His punishment? Herr Schultz will be forced to never leave the comfy confines of Oklahoma City.

No. 6: Paradise City


Slash and Axl will set aside their differences and settle their contemptuous feud that has kept apart one of America's great rock bands.

They will also have time to release new albums—lots of them.

No. 5: Death To Slacking



Speaking of Axl Rose making albums.

Before the Raiders lose in the West again the world will be graced by three albums a piece by the Beastie Boys, Dr. Dre and Zack de la Rocha.

J.D. Salinger will reveal his death was a hoax and the publish two novels.

No. 4: San Diego Charlies



After making billions of dollars on his book of Sheenisms, Charlie Sheen is going to buy the San Diego Chargers. The first time they lose he will demand that players take the potent drug known as Charlie Sheen. To prevent the Sheen from making their face melt off and their bodies explode he will give all of his player's a blood transfusion—with tiger blood of course.

When they lose again he will trade the franchise for crack, and tell everyone he was sick of a team that wasn't winning.

No. 3: Not That There's Anything Wrong with That


Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey will still not be gay.


No. 2: Redemption Song


After millions of dollars of plastic surgery and under the alias Reid Cartman, Steve Bartman will win the mayoral race for Chicago.

He will then institute and launch the greatest 8-step program in the history of politics. In two short years he will turn Chicago into the most glorious Utopia in the history of man.

Cartman's approval rating will be an unprecedented, and only possible in ballot stuffing Chicago, 193 percent.

Hungry for redemption from his fellow Chicagoans, he will reveal his true identity...and instantly and violently be removed from office.


No. 1: Déjà Vu All Over Again


Before the Raiders next AFC West loss dinosaurs will walk the earth, people will emerge from apes, Columbus will "discover" Native Americans and tell them they are Indians, and Abe will set the country right. Because...

The Raiders next loss in the West will be their first one. That's right—it will be on September 16th, 1960.

This AFC West dominance will stretch 'til the end of humanity as we know it, and we'll have to wait for this whole big crazy ride to restart in a cosmic pulse of eternal recurrence.