clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos: Prognostication Pulse

Gather 'round friends and fellow followers, I bring news from the great one. I was nervous. I had not heard word from the great one. Then a stray cat dropped off this scroll on my doorstep. Behold, the wisdom of the wise one.

For those of you that need a reminder, or weren't here last year RaiderDamus, also goes by the name RDreamer, and he basically picked every game exactly right last year.

Ahoy, Raider fans.

It's been a long off-season. The lockout lasted so long, all signs pointed to No Football, which would have left you all without the wisdom of RaiderDamus. What a shame that would have been! But now we are back, and RD has a bodacious buffet of bullet points breaking down how the Raiders will blast the Bronco buffoons into bilge-water. Alliteration is your friend, folks. Learn it, live it, love it.

RaiderDamus sees the Vegas lines, and he scoffs. Ha ha! he says. Pish posh. The Broncos are favored by three. Fuff fuff, It matters not. These are largely the same teams as last year, when the Raiders defeated the Broncos by a combined score of 98 to 37. The largest changes have been peripheral, as both teams have new head coaches (in the Raiders' case, simply a coach who has changed jobs), and the Raiders have lost Nnamdi Asomugha (we beat Denver without him anyway) and the Broncos have two different defensive ends than they had when we faced them last year, as Elvis Dumervil has returned from horrible injury and Von Miller now joins the team. However, Brian Dawkins and Champ Bailey were old last year, and now they are REALLY old, and may try to wander off the field in search of their blood pressure medicine. "No, Mr. Dawkins, it isn't time for that yet. You can take your pills and watch the Father Dowling Mysteries when the game is over." Brian Dawkins fucking LOVES Tom Bosley.

How will these changes affect the play of the teams? Probably not all that much. Nnamdi was a REALLY good player, but so is Stanford Routt. The real drop-off here will be in going from Routt as CB#2 to Chris Johnson. That worries me, but Denver's #2 WR is.... umm.... well, I like that Eric Decker kid, and Eddie Royal killed us a few years ago, so they have options. What will NOT happen here is a situation like the Jay Cutler Game where we give up 1,500 yards through the air and embarrass ourselves in front of God and everybody. Not happening.

Do you know why? I do. Rolando McClain. He will be the difference in this game. He will have several key tackles, and possibly an INT. He will also do the world a favor and shave Kyle Orton's neck-beard. Richard Seymour and Tommy Kelly will gobble up so much attention from the Broncos' below-average offensive line, McClain may roam as he pleases. Ryan Clady is a golden god and will probably neutralize Matt Shaughnessy, but our defensive line is vastly superior and will make life easy for our secondary.

Don't get me wrong, this is not a cake walk. Stanford Routt will do a good job on Brandon Lloyd, but Lloyd is very good and so is Kyle Orton, and the two will hook up for one score. Just one. Willis McGahee will score the other Broncos TD. Moreno will be a non-factor, save one long run wherein he will be pushed out of bounds inside the five, leading to the McGahee score. This will be a Walter Payton/Fridge Perry situation, wherein Moreno will get pissed and his fantasy owners will be fucking FURIOUS.

Jason Campbell will have a pretty good day. 230 yards and a TD, possibly a pick, but he will consistently move the ball and extend drives with his mobility and short-yardage accuracy. Jacoby Ford will catch a TD pass, and may return a kickoff for a TD. Chaz Schilens will not get hurt in this game. Maybe. Signs are unclear on that. Chaz Schilens' bones are made of Pocky. That is not a joke, it is a medical fact. Derek Hagan will make several key catches and establish himself as our best possession receiver. DHB will be invisible, and will use this to infiltrate the Bronco cheerleaders' locker room during halftime. He will be joined by Bill Belichick, who is secretly taping the cheerleaders for game-plan purposes and to boost Patriots team morale.

The running game is where the Raiders shall dominate (Note how I use the word "dominate" as a verb and not an adjective. A dominant team shall dominate the competition. Please, folks, learn to use these two words correctly. Only you can prevent forest fires). Darren McFadden, Michael Bush, and Taiwan Jones will carve up a suspect Bronco run defense for well over 200 yards and three TDS. One by McFadden and two short-yardage scores by Bush. Taiwan will break a few big runs, but will not score.

The Raiders will beat the Ass on Monday, 31-20.