clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Fortuitous Fortunes: RaiderDamus Delivers Good News

Greetings Friends and Fellow Followers—RaiderDamus has brought us tidings of joy! And the big D is already in mid-season fortune telling form. He nailed the Broncos 20, but overshot the Raiders by eight. I attribute this to Tim Tebow's angelic presence in Damus' dark arts.

Anyway jump over for a glimpse of the future, and lay your own prognostication in the comment threads....

Ahoy, Raider fans!

It is I, RaiderDamus, fresh off another correctly predicted Raider victory. All the Bronco meathead fans doubted me. Rodney A doubted me. He is a fool, and he lost a bet, and he still hasn't written the essay he promised. Where are you now, Rodney? Perhaps the fates will dictate something for you. The fates were kind to RaiderDamus, as he correctly predicted the Broncos would score 20 points last Monday, and would also lose. I doubt the fates will be so generous to one such as you.

RaiderDamus, the prodigious pundit of prognostication, has foreseen this week's Raiders/Bills game. Well, mostly what the fates have shown me is one drive in particular, in which the Raiders run the ball, and run the ball again, and proceed to run the ball a third time. They gain a grand total of eight yards on these three plays. The Raiders then punt the ball away. "Oh no!" I think. "The Raiders have no imagination, they are rushing into a twelve-man front!" I suspect the Bills may attempt to play the old 4-4-4 defense. That is the only way they will stop Darren McFadden. But my apprehension is for naught, as the vision I was given includes something I had heretofore ignored: the score of the game. It is 21-6, Raiders. "Oh ho!" says I. "Coach Jackson is no dummy, he is merely trying to grind the clock."

Normally, when the Raiders head east to the eastern portion of this country, they are less than stellar. This is probably because the eastern portion of this country sucks and is lame (my apologies to that lady Raider fan living in Virginia, who I am certain is both beautiful and talented), and it sucks the very essence out of the team. Not so for Sunday's game. The Raiders (the ones who are healthy, anyway) will be fired up for this game, knowing they have a shot at securing first place in the division and an un-ignorable 2-0 record. People have been talking up the Bills this week, because of the shellacking they put on the Chefs, but we must remember the Chefs #1 are terrible and #2 lost Eric Berry on, like, the first series of the game. It's not really fair to make any assessments of either the Chefs or the Bills from what took place during that particular game, except for the aforementioned Fact Number One, that the Chefs are terrible. I shall mention it again, for my own amusement: The Chefs are TERRIBLE.

It also bears mentioning that the Bills' starting right tackle is Erik Pears. Let me pause here while I go laugh for a while. Haw! Haw! Hoo hoo, that is rich. It is time for a picture. I am sure Mr. Langford can make this appear as an image on the board using fancy-schmancy SBN technology, so here's the link:

This picture sums up my feelings on Erik Pears attempting to block Lamarr Houston/Kamerion Wimbley on a regular or semi-regular basis.

In this game, Derek Hagan shall score a touchdown. Fred Jackson will also score a touchdown. Stevie Johnson will not. Ryan Fitzpatrick will spend much of the game on his rear end and/or running for his life. Roscoe Parrish will score a touchdown on a return, but it will be negated for some stupid-ass penalty. Nick Miller will do something foolish. All in all, we Raider Fans must remember that the Bills picked third overall last year, were terrible, and really haven't improved their personnel except for Marcell Dareus. He is a very good player, but we have already seen what happens when a team's primary threat is a defensive lineman. We will completely dominate the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. If this game were being played in, say, November in the snow, I would be concerned, but Google informs me that the weather on Sunday in Buffalo shall be seventy degrees and sunny. The Raiders will feel right at home.

And thus shall it be. Final score: Raiders 24, Bills 13.

I also want to add, the Patriots are going to be playing in front of a massive host of very drunk people, and will slaughter the Chargers to the tune of 45-23. First place, here we come.