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RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling Week 1: Raiders vs Chargers

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FINALLY.... RAIDERDAMUS HAS COME BACK TO SILVER AND BLACK PRIDE! You know, everywhere RaiderDamus goes people stop him on the street. "RaiderDamus," they say, "When are you coming back? When will we know what happens to our beloved Raiders? Also, are you available for parties?" Well folks, RaiderDamus is back and he has brought with him visions of the future. The Great Beyond has been very forthcoming this week about what will happen in the Monday Night game that nobody east of El Paso will watch because they have to work Tuesday morning. Assuming you are not too drunk to watch the game, here is what has been revealed to me.

This preseason has been unkind to say the least for the San Diego Chargers. Running back Ryan Mathews suffered a broken clavicle, left tackle Jared Gaither has serious back problems, and WR Vincent Brown broke his ankle. If you will, remember the reasons the Raiders lost their Week 17 matchup against the Chargers. Their names are Vincent Jackson and Chuck Bresnahan, Stanford Routt and Hue Jackson. What do those people have in common? None of them will be in the Coliseum on Monday Night.

But you know who will? Ice Cube. I hearken back to Mr. Cube's 30 for 30 movie on ESPN, which basically consisted of Cube and Snoop Dogg walking around the LA Coliseum for an hour talking about how great the Raiders are. It was the best 30 for 30 produced, for that reason alone. Cube has come a long way since the Raiders moved back to Oakland, from making brilliant records such as Straight Outta Compton to making fifteen sequels to Are We There Yet and shilling for Coors Light. Even the singular spokesmanship of Ice Cube is not enough to save Coors from its proper place as the World's Crappiest Beer. Even so, with Cube on our side, how can we lose?

Short answer: We won't. Dennis Allen is our coach now, people. We all have to realize what a humongous turd John Fox is, and the only reason a team with Tim Tebow as its quarterback won the division was the sheer genius and talent of Dennis Allen. As if the Chargers didn't have enough problems, with Phyllis Rivers completing passes to the other team and Ronnie Brown- pause for uproarious laughter- starting at tailback for this game and their offensive line being a complete shambles and their receiving corps consisting of Malcom Brown (spell your name right, son) and one of those wavy-arm inflatable tube men. Now the Raider defense is healthy and organized and no longer playing straight man coverage. They are going to terrorize Philip Rivers and make him wish he still had eligibility at NC State.

The Chargers won't be able to run the ball. Book this. Did you see the Cowboys game in Week 1 of the preseason? They had like three rushing yards in the first half. Did you see the game they had against the Giants a couple days ago where they ran the ball up and down the field? Yeah, it's like that. I'm certainly not saying our defense is better than New York's, but I'm saying Ronnie freaking Brown isn't going to gash us for huge gains in this lifetime.

The only thing we and Dennis Allen really have to worry about is Antonio Gates. He is the consummate Raider killer and always has huge games against us. As he is San Diego's only real offensive weapon, he will be targeted early and often. The Raiders will not be able to shut him down totally, and he will score once.

As for the Raider offense, we have to remember that the Charger defense su-u-u-ucks. Darren McFadden is going to find all sorts of giant holes to run through and open spaces in the flats to catch passes. He will catch three passes and he will score two touchdowns.

Carson Palmer also will have little trouble this game. The Chargers have exactly one healthy playmaker on defense, Quentin Jammer, and he can only cover one guy at a time. With all our currently healthy receivers and the ghost of Jacoby Ford, Palmer will shred the Charger D like he was preparing cheese for tacos. I myself may enjoy a taco during the game, in commemoration of what Palmer is going to do to the hapless Chargers.

As if that weren't enough, here's one more reason the Raiders will win: Norv Turner is still the coach of the Chargers. Let us bow our heads and give thanks for that.

Raiders win 31-16.