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RaiderDamus' Thanksgiving Foretelling: Raiders vs Cowboys

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What does the Great Beyond have to say regarding the Raiders' feast or famine on this Turkey Day?

Tom Pennington

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the man who puts the "furk" in "tofurkey". This Thanksgiving Day, as is traditional and right, I will emerge from my cave with a spear and hunt the fattest, mightiest Tofurkey I can find. I shall slay him by mine own hand and carry him back to my cave where I shall roast him over an open flame. Thanksgiving is the day wherein we traditionally thank God that we have delicious animals with which we traditionally engorge ourselves until we traditionally remove our pants. Thanksgiving is not over when we are full, it is over when we hate ourselves. I say to you, if God did not want us to eat animals, He would not have made them out of meat.

The Raiders play the Dallas Cowboys this week, in one of the two traditional Thanksgiving Day football games. The Lions play in the other, which I'm sure was the Pilgrims' way of playing a traditional Thanksgiving Day joke on those who would come after them into this fine country. The Cowboys are "America's Team", which is a phrase meaning "Team that 15% of America loves and the other 85% thinks is literally the devil". The Cowboys are "America's Team" in the same way that the St. Louis Cardinals are, which is to say, please go home you are annoying and nobody likes you.

It is a fact that the only other team which inspires so much hatred amongst football fans who are not actually fans of a direct rival team as the Cowboys is the Raiders themselves. Everybody hates the Raiders except Raider fans. That is how God and Al Davis intended it. The Raiders are not supposed to be liked. The Raiders are intended to be feared and despised, degraded and dismissed, brushed off and disregarded. There is little that will make the fans of a normal, wholesome Middle-America team more incensed than losing to the Raiders. That is traditional and as it should be.

There is very little that would make your average douchy Cowboys fan angrier than losing to the Raiders. These guys know that they are probably fighting a losing battle trying to keep up with Philly in the NFC East and a loss to Oakland will have them reaching for a bottle of whiskey faster than you can say "Brokeback Mountain". These folks are staunch believers that Jerruh Jones and Tony Romo are the root of all evil. The only problem with Jones and Romo is that they do just a good enough job that the Cowboys will never be able to draft a quarterback who can eventually be better than Romo. So down the rabbit hole they go, in a vicious cycle of futility and imagined grandeur that results in Romo getting a massive contract extension and the rest of the league collectively laughing their butts off.

That's the issue with Dallas, and it has been for Romo's entire tenure. They are always good enough to win any game and always inconsistent enough to lose any game. A random number generator that gives you a number between six and eleven is just as likely to give you Dallas' win total for any given year as any "football expert" can do. When that number is close to eleven, Cowboy fans are gleeful and proclaim the invincibility of the team. When that number is closer to six, the Dallas fans call for everyone's head with a vitriol that would make an Alabama Crimson Tide fan blush. The Cowboys have "passionate fans", which is a phrase meaning "reactionary dickbags".

It's important to remember that without Tony Romo the Cowboys just aren't any good. Quincy Carter had a team with about the same level of talent as the current Cowboys and it was a disaster. Romo is truly one of the top ten quarterbacks in the league and those ungrateful schmucks in Dallas are lucky to have him. Put Tony Romo on the Raiders and that's a playoff team. The Raiders don't have Romo, but they do have Matt McGloin, who appears to have much the same level of awesome minus about four inches of height. What McGloin lacks is a Dez Bryant type talent at receiver, which is something I hope the Raiders rectify next spring. Many positions on the Raider team have been hit hard by injury and are playing at a level lower than we expected. The wide receiver position is suffering from a profound lack of talent.

On Sunday the Raiders faced Ryan Fitzpatrick who played the greatest game I have ever seen out of his useless behind. Unfortunately for the Raiders, that's how Tony Romo plays on a regular basis except for the fourth quarter where he regularly chokes away the game, like what he did against Denver earlier this year. If the Raiders can keep it close till the end of the game, Dallas may give them the game. However, I don't believe they will be able to do so.

This game won't be a smorgasbord of goodness cooked up by Papa McGloin and crew. It will be the cold leftovers of the same turd buffet we had on Sunday.

Cowboys win, 31-16.