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RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs Browns

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What does the Great Beyond have to say about the upcoming game in Cleveland?


Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, who nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who personally wet myself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

I come to you today having accurately predicted the Raiders' loss to Arizona, although I predicted a ten-point loss when, in fact, Oakland lost by eleven. So I'm not perfect. However, this is another week and I've once again consulted the Great Beyond to reveal to myself and all of us just what will transpire on Sunday in Cleveland.

"Oh, you're back. I see the Raiders are playing the Browns this week. That gives me an opportunity to do one of my favorite things; rip on Cleveland. You see, there's no more cursed place in America than Cleveland. It has ripped the heart and soul out of many a fan who would otherwise have happiness in their life. They would achieve this happiness, naturally, by moving away from Ohio.

No professional sports team in Cleveland has won a title since 1948, when the Indians defeated the Boston Braves in the World Series. Their best chance to win another title was 1988, when Browns RB Earnest Byner fumbled on the 1-yard line trying to tie the AFC Championship Game against John "I'm A Hoers" Elway and his Denver Broncos. The Broncos would win the AFC but get crushed by Doug Williams and the Redskins.

Another chance to win a title came in 1995, when the Indians had one goddamn job, which was to make sure that Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux and their Magical Expanding Strike Zone would NEVER win a World Series title. They, of course, failed at this and the Braves won. Everybody groaned. Stupid Cleveland.

Yet another chance to win a title came in 2007, when LeBron James and nobody else in particular faced off with the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA Finals. The Cavs had a chance to end the Spurs' run of boring basketball play that has set the sport back some fifty years, but instead got swept four games to nil. James, Kevin Love, and Kyrie Irving headline this year's Cavaliers squad, which will probably also lose to the Spurs in the Finals because basketball is stupid.

It's remarkable that I have reached this far in deriding Cleveland without mentioning that in 1969 the Cuyahoga River, which runs directly through Cleveland on its way to Lake Erie, caught fire. Yes, you read that correctly. Cleveland once treated a body of water with such disdain and neglect that it caught fire, which technically is the opposite of water. At the time, the stretch of river connecting Akron to Cleveland was so polluted that it was utterly devoid of fish. Even marine life wants nothing to do with Cleveland.

Cleveland is also notable for being the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is a complete misnomer. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame includes Madonna, who does not play rock and roll, as well as the Dave Clark Five, who are not famous. The RRHOF also does not include Journey, Deep Purple, Yes, Black Flag, or Iron Maiden. It should really just be the "Hall of Bands Rich People Listened To As Kids".

On to the Browns themselves, who have made performance art out of disappointment. The Browns have fans almost as dedicated and longsuffering as Raiders fans, so respect to those folks. However, the Browns' mascot is a bulldog, which really has nothing to do with the color brown, and their helmet is orange, which is also not brown. I understand the team is named after Paul Brown, but for goodness' sakes, make an effort. The Browns' mascot should just be a turd, as it represents the Browns brand succinctly.

The Browns actually have a good defense featuring middle linebacker Karlos Dansby and corners Joe Haden and Buster Skrine along with safety Donte Whitner, and they had a passing game until Josh Gordon smoked some wacky tabacky and then, after being in trouble for that with the NFL, hung around some other people who smoked weed. Secondhand weed is a thing, dude. Time to get some new friends.

Now the Browns' passing game consists of Brian Hoyer trying not to fall over while he chucks the ball to the Browns' wideouts, of whom only Travis Benjamin is worth a damn.

The Browns run a lot, with a talented stable of backs including Ben Tate, Terrance West, and Isaiah Crowell, who is notable for having been kicked off the Georgia Bulldogs football team. Let me tell you, it is damn hard to get kicked off a Mark Richt team. He puts up with just about anything. If Crowell would have just taken money for autographs instead of carrying around a loaded gun without registration, he'd have been a first round draft pick.

In this game, the Browns will run the ball and the Raiders will probably look surprised. "Running the ball?" they will say. "Is that allowed?" They will probably look at the ref for some sort of answer while Ben Tate runs right past them. "I don't remember seeing this on film," they will mutter to themselves as the Browns celebrate in the end zone.

You see folks, in order to stop the run, a team needs effective defensive tackles and a middle linebacker. The Raiders have none of those things, and Miles Burris does not count. I'm pretty sure he holds his playbook upside down when he studies it. You'd think one of the coaches would help him out, but Burris is a proud, independent black woman who don't need no man.

I expect this game to look an awful lot like the Cardinals game. Browns win, 27-13.