Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, lord of the hermits, king of the sages, and the World's Freshest Man. I come to you today fresh off another correct prediction. I noticed that an astute reader of my work last week pointed out that a theme was beginning to take form, and that this column had become "RaiderDamus predicts the Raiders to lose". To that I say, this is not a goddamn weekly homer article. This is RaiderDamus seeing the future, and the Raiders are 0-7. If you want homeriffic nonsense, go to the Fanposts. That is what they are for.
For the record, RaiderDamus is 6-1, and that one loss is because the Great Beyond made the mistake of believing in the Raiders after their beatdown of the Seahawks. So I've consulted yet again with the Great Beyond, and here is what he has to say about this game.
"You again? Are you sure you want to keep doing this to yourself? Well, here we go. The question everyone wants answered is, of course, "What the hell is a Seahawk?" Well I'll tell you. There is no such thing as a Seahawk. The term 'seahawk' is just one of the many nicknames for a seagoing bird called the osprey. It eats primarily fish, so you should feel lucky you don't root for the Dolphins.
However, during Seahawks home games they have a large bird fly around the stadium during the pregame. This bird is also not a seahawk- it is an augur buzzard, and it does not like the sea. It prefers to live in mountains or grasslands in Africa, as it is not native to North America.
So to the Seahawks and their fans, I say this!
The Seahawks were established in 1974 and have been good exactly twice: 2005 and 2013. In 2005, they went to a Super Bowl and had it cruelly robbed from them by referees who were clearly on the take from Pittsburgh and their boorish franchise, whose goal is to turn the NFL into the Big Ten. Seattle was the victim of some calls so bogus, you'd think they were the Raiders. However, in 2013 they rose up and devoured the hapless Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, and for that we give them heartfelt thanks. If there's one thing Raider fans like to see when the Raiders are bad, it's sad Broncos fans.
With that said, the Seahawks are playing like garbage this season. They got beat by the Chargers and the Cowboys, and barely squeaked by an awful Carolina team last week. They have no playmakers at receiver after jettisoning Percy Harvin, and Marshawn Lynch is one altercation with management away from getting shipped out of town like he was in Buffalo. Their defense is still alright, but nowhere near what it was last season. When a team wins the Super Bowl, it loses its depth because its players get signed away by teams desperate to replicate a winning formula. That's precisely what has happened to Seattle.
The Raiders trounced Seattle in the preseason. Derek Carr was a golden god that day and sent Matt Schaub back to the dark shadows from whence he came. In order for the Raiders to keep this game close, Carr will have to be even better than that. Without an adequate running attack, whcih Oakland had that day with Latavius Murray, I don't see it happening.
Seahawks win, 31-10.