Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, a legend in my own time, a legend in my own mind, and the owner of the NFL's longest winning streak. I am now A Sage Named RaiderDamus. You gotta say the whole thing, like A Tribe Called Quest. I come to you today fresh off my most impressive prediction of the season, having accurately guessed the Raiders would score 17 points, and missing the Broncos' total of 41 by a mere four points. You better recognize.
Anyway, once again I have consulted with my close and personal friend, the Great Beyond, who has a few words he would like to say about the upcoming game.
"Ahh, I was expecting you. I took a look at the schedule and it seems the Raiders are heading down to San Diego this week. That can only mean one thing. This prediction has to be given by San Diego's most trusted source of information. That source is, of course...
/applies large fake moustache
Good day, San Diego! I'm Ron Burgundy, and I am here to blow all of your tiny little minds. You know, San Diego is Spanish for "a whale's vagina" and it's just so fitting, what with San Diego's quarterback, a certain Mr. Philip Rivers, being the largest vagina outside of certain humpback whale pods roaming the warm, crisp waters of the Pacific Ocean. Rivers' scent is pungent, like the salty air of his namesake. As a local celebrity, I have met Rivers on many occasions, and I've been meaning to tell him, he should probably take a shower. Either that, or try some cologne. I hear Sex Panther is a great way to cover up one's personal musk.
And even though I am San Diego's most recognizable citizen, I do have some friends I'd like to enlist to help me tell the story of this upcoming game. First, with the weather, here's Brick Tamland.
BRICK: I'm Brick Tamland, and I enjoy the taste of butter. I also like a nice pair of slacks, and I am wearing two pairs of them right now. Underneath the slacks are a comfortable pair of boxers purchased for me by my mother.
In San Diego this weekend the temperature will be in the high seventies. It will be in the low forties in the northwest, and the mid thirties in the Middle East. And as I look at my map...
Ron, where's my map?
RON: Look at the monitor, Brick. There's the map.
BRICK: Ron, where did my legs go Ron? How am I standing?
RON: Can somebody help Brick, for God's sake? Anyway, moving right along, I'd like to enlist the services of everyone's favorite sportscaster, Mr. Champ Kind.
CHAMP: Well thanks a lot, Ron, and first let me say WHAMMY! Everyone here in the greater San Diego area knows that the Chargers can't be beat, unlike all those stray dogs in Tijuana I met last week. I tell you what, there's nothing better than drinking a jar of shine, wearing nothing but this here cowboy hat and taking a five-iron to a pack of underfed pit bulls that someone threw over the border fence. After that I woke up in some Filipino family's den and they would NOT stop screaming.
I'm especially impressed with San Diego's defense, led by middle linebacker and all-around tough guy Manti Te'o. Yeah I know he isn't playing due to a foot fracture, but he's there in spirit. I tell you what, I could nurse him back to health with one of my patented foot rubs. I'm pretty sure he's single, he has a habit of his girlfriends not being who they say they are. But who hasn't made that mistake? Why, the last girl I was with I met online, and she turned out to be Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.
RON: Well thanks a lot Champ, that was very informative. We here at San Diego Action News have an officlal prediction for the game, and it's Chargers 30, Raiders 16.
You stay classy, San Diego.