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RaiderDamus' Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

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In this early edition of the Foretelling, what does the Great Beyond have to say about the Raiders vs. Chiefs game on Thursday night?

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Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, the mogul, the magnate, the spearhead, and the real reason Vladimir Putin left the G20 summit early. I come to you today fresh off yet another flawless victory, correctly predicting yet another Raiders defeat. The score was lower than predicted, as the defense really played hard, but the offense forgot to get off the bus. Maybe one of these days both sides of the ball will play well at the same time.

I have once again consulted with the Great Beyond regarding this game, and here is what he had to say.

"You're back! I checked the schedule and the Chiefs are up next. Well, this is going to be rough, because nobody including me has anything meaningful to say about the Chiefs. They are the most boring team in sports. They have a Native American name, but nothing offensive like Redskins, and no horrible caricature like the Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo. In fact, they seem apologetic about the while 'Chiefs' thing, insofar as their mascot is this thing here:

This is not a Chief or a native American of any kind, it is instead a wolf named- get this- "K.C. Wolf". They could have named him something totally awesome like 'Nutcruncher Humperleg' or 'Bloodspatter McGuffin' but the Chiefs are so boring they literally went with (name of city) (name of animal). Really, Chiefs? Are you even trying? Also, like many residents of Kansas City, the mascot is badly cross-eyed.

I never know if the Chiefs are going to win a game or not. A lot of teams, you can look at their schedule and pick which ones they might win or lose. Not so with the Chiefs. They have the capacity to win or lose every single game on their schedule, no matter the opponent. They could beat Denver one week and lose to the Browns at home the next week by 20 points. There are almost certainly parallel universes wherein the Chiefs have never won a game, and ones where they have never lost a game. They are so remarkably inconsistent I'm shocked there aren't any Chiefs on the men's US National Soccer Team.

In addition to their boring mascot, their uniforms also are stupid. Their colors are red and white. Not only is this pretty Power Rangersy, it's also the color scheme of the team the Chiefs most resemble: the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

Think about it. If there's one thing both Chiefs fans and Huskers fans want, it's for it to be the mid-1990s again. Back then, the Chiefs had the perfect coach for them- Marty Schottenheimer, who was the platonic ideal of a Midwesterner in that he paid the bills and put food on the table but was ultimately scared of real success. The Chiefs also had Joe Montana, Christian Okoye, Neil Smith and Derrick Thomas, giving them one of the best Tecmo Bowl teams around. And, as is Midwestern custom, they took all that talent and funneled it into mediocrity as to not get too full of themselves.

Nebraska, meanwhile, had future ESPN talking neck Trev Alberts, future Green Bay Packer Ahman Green, future "Where are they now" candidate Tommie Frazier, and future convicted felon Lawrence Phillips. They played Real Man Football under Nebraskan god-coach Tom Osborne with dominating offensive lines and defenses, and ran pure option. Of course, nobody runs pure option in the NFL because as soon as a defensive player graduates from college he is immediately magically able to properly defend the option, but Nebraska ran it to perfection on the way to multiple national titles in their heyday. They, like the Chiefs, have not since been able to replicate that success (part of the reason for that is that one of the men they hired after the retirement of Osborne was Bill Callahan). Also just like the Chiefs of today, the Huskers never threw to their wide receivers. They are decoys, like an injured Randy Moss.

Nebraska's mascot is also stupid and tacky, but at least it is honest. There are no wolves in Kansas City, but you can find a ton of people in Nebraska who look exactly like this:

The one thing Chiefs and Huskers fans do have in common is that they have a great passion for football. It's not like they have a choice though. There is fuck-all to do in Kansas City or Nebraska except watch football and cook. I will not besmirch the good name of Kansas City barbecue, because it is delicious and has done the Raiders a favor by claiming the lives of many a noble Chiefs fan. Nebraska food is all corn-based, and that's why Lil' Red here has Type 1 diabetes and gout.

As for the football game, the Chiefs do have some talented players and don't beat themselves. We've seen pretty clearly this season, that's more than enough to win in Oakland.

Kansas City wins, 26-13. That's great, but who are the...