clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Rams

New, comments

In the old days, this was the Battle of Los Angeles. What does the Great Beyond foresee for this one?

Long Photography-USA TODAY Sports

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, a man who is man enough to admit when he is wrong. The Great Beyond and I were wrong last week about the Raiders losing, and I for one am happy to finally see the team prove me wrong. The Raiders finally put together a solid effort on both sides of the ball, and they totally dominated the Chefs. The game was not nearly as close as the final score would indicate.

This week, the Raiders take on the other team from Missouri, traveling to the charred remains of St. Louis to play the Rams. I contacted the Great Beyond once again to entreat him to portend the outcome of this game. Here is what the old one had to say:

"Ah, you're back! I see the Raiders got their first win last week, and may have found a running back in the process. Well, good for them. From what I understand the natives were getting restless over there. Well, on to this game.

What can I say about the Rams? They've been around for a long time, in their early years being the team of Merlin Olsen and Deacon Jones and later on the team of Vince "the Hulk" Ferragamo who actually led the team to the Super Bowl after the 1979 season. Unfortunately, he led them against the 1979 Pittsburgh Steelers, who proceeded to win their fourth Super Bowl.

The Rams didn't have much success in the unfortunately named NFC West, along with notable West Coast teams Atlanta and New Orleans, who were all turbobad in those days. Some years the Niners won the division by default. The Rams would become the team of Chris Evert Jim Everett, and then the savior of the franchise, the man whi would put the Rams back on the pedestal to which they had never become accustomed, Trent Green.

Yes that's right, Trent Green. In 2008, the Rams signed veteran quarterback Trent Green to a three year, $9 million deal. Over the course of that contract, the Rams would play in two Super Bowls, winning one. It was a pretty good deal for the Rams. I wonder whatever happened to ol' Trent.

I kid, of course. Had Trent Green actually played at all during that contract, the Rams wouldn't have sniffed the playoffs. Instead they turned to unknown former Northern Iowa quarterback and grocery clerk Kurt Warner, a man whose dedication to football knows no bounds. He eliminated all distractions, going so far as to marry a woman who looks like the gym teacher from Beavis and Butthead.

This would ensure that Kurt Warner would never want to pull an Urban Meyer and "spend more time with his family". What a guy. Kurt Warner is, all jokes aside, one of the greatest football players and men who has ever lived. You could all do to sacrifice as much as he does every day for the things you love.

The modern Rams are truly a shell of their former selves and a rudderless ship, under the cruel tutelage of Jeff Fisher who is coaching them as though his purpose is to exact revenge for the 1999 Super Bowl, where the Rams defeated Fisher's Titans on a goal-line stand in the final seconds. Fisher's career arc has been downward ever since. The Rams pinned their hopes on Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford (Boomer! Sooner!) but at his very best Bradford has been okay as a pro and has rarely been better than that. Now, Bradford has zero functioning knees and will probably walk like Charlie Bucket's grandpa if he ever walks again.

The Rams do have a pretty good defense, but are starting Shaun Hill at quarterback. Hill is also best described as "okay". The Rams have plenty of skill position talent, but they seem less than the sum of their parts overall. They have pulled off some impressive upsets this year though, In a division like the NFC West you have to do that.

Now, I'm not saying the Rams are responsible for the current tensions in the St. Louis area, but is it a coincidence the Rams are in St. Louis now and were in Los Angeles in 1992? Maybe. It is a very unfortunate and sad thing that has happened to the community in Ferguson, but nobody can ever bring back the ones we have lost. The only thing we can do is pour out a forty and tell some jokes. This is what we as a nation have done to cope with such tragedies as the Challenger blowing up, the OJ Simpson murder trial, and 9/11. So hide your kids and your wife, here are some jokes.

How many Ferguson protestors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they can't change anything.

Did you hear Ferguson stores are starting their Black Friday sales early this year? 100% off everything.

Have you played the new Ferguson drinking game? Stand still and take some shots.

I tried some of these jokes online a few days ago but they got shot down. Seems like a bunch of people suddenly got new laptops.

I saw a man jumped by five Ferguson protestors on TV. The car started right up! What nice gentlemen they were.

and for good measure, here's a Helen Keller joke.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse? No? Neither did she.

Well, that was cathartic. Anyway, as for the game, the Rams at home are a different beast than on the road and I think they squeak this one out. Rams win, 20-19.