Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the new kid on the block, the ninety-eighth degree, and the man who makes the homies say "hooo" and the girlies wanna scream. I come to you today fresh off yet another totally accurate prediction of a Raider loss, They probably should have won the game, but they did not. As Roger Goodell is a wise and just ruler, the Raiders are rewarded for their efforts against the Super Bowl winner by facing the Super Bowl loser the following week. To make the game even more fun, the Broncos were demolished by New England last week and will be out for blood. Let's see if they can get that blood from the turnip that is the Raiders.
So I consulted, as is my custom, with the Great Beyond concerning this game and this is what he had to say.
"Oh, you again. I see the Raiders fared a little better than I expected last week. That's progress! Or maybe not, maybe it's just that Seattle is terrible now. Either one's possible. In any case, here we are with a game against Denver coming up on Sunday. You know the funny thing about Denver, that city had a perfectly fine airport (Stapleton) in the 1980's but in 1995 opened Denver International Airport, a year and a half behind schedule and 1.6 billion dollars over budget. Just another Saturday night in Denver, that one is.
However, the weird thing about Denver International (DIA) is that it has some really weird art- murals and sculptures that are really creepy, in addition to the never-ending excavation for underground things the public never sees. Being the all-knowing oracle that I am, I can reveal to you all today the actual nature of these murals. The answer will shock and amaze you.
Firstly, this mural. In 1977 the Denver Broncos won the AFC over quality teams from Oakland, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore. However, in the Super Bowl they were crushed by America's Team, the Dallas Cowboys. This would be the first of Denver's many, many Super Bowl losses. The mural above depicts, of course, America, where in 1977 everyone loved the Cowboys according to NFL Films. There are not one, but three pictures on the mural over Pasadena where the game was played.
In 1983, John Elway was drafted by the Baltimore Colts first overall but was subsequently traded to Denver after Elway pulled an Eli Manning and refused to play for the team that drafted him.
This statue just outside the Denver Airport depicts John Elway in his true form. You see, John Elway is actually a horse and did not want to play for the Colts as it might compromise his secret identity as a Stanford quarterback who could not beat Cal to go to a bowl game. It's hard to see from this angle, but this horse's penis is actually in the shape of a trombone player.
Next up is this mural depicting a man with a gas-mask, rifle and a sword, which to Raider fans might resemble Violator but that many other folks think represents war and pestilence. Contrary to their belief, the man in the mural is actually Lawrence Taylor, who was NFL MVP in 1986 and helped the New York Giants dispatch Elway and the Broncos in the 1986 Super Bowl by a score of 39-20. Beneath Taylor's mighty booted feet, small children cower in fear, just like in real life.
This little ditty is allegedly entitled "Peace and Harmony with Nature", which is obviously a crock of shit. There is no peace or harmony anywhere in this picture. What it actually represents is the Broncos' 1987 season. You may notice on the far right the Buffalo Bills' mascot, trussed up on a plaque like a sport trophy. You may also notice in the middle of the painting a person of African descent with what appears to be a red helmet or, even, a medieval halo as you might see in works depicting a saint or angel. This figure is former Redskins QB Doug Williams, who set the Broncos' season on fire with a 42-10 drubbing in Super Bowl XXII. That fire can be seen quite clearly in the background.
The mural above is supposedly named "The Children of the World Dream of Peace". I am here to tell you, the children of the world don't dream of peace; they dream of ice cream, Pokemon and of being Batman when they grow up. This particular mural actually depicts young Broncos fans gathered around a small black-and-white television in 1989 watching the Broncos in the Super Bowl for the third time in four years. Surely, these little ones believed, John Elway could not lose again. This piece really should be titled "The Children of the Greater Denver Area Dream of Having their Asses Kicked by Joe Montana".
As the airport was completed in 1995, there are no murals of the Broncos' horrific and hilarious Super Bowl defeat last season. However, I guarantee when Denver runs out of underground New World Order bunker space and has to build a new airport, there will be.
While the Broncos may well be the worst Super Bowl team outside of Buffalo and Minnesota, the Raiders aren't really a match for them this week. All these games against really great teams may suck now, but in terms of player development and competition it can only be good for players like Derek Carr and Khalil Mack and D.J. Hayden down the road.
Broncos win, 37-17."
Wow, wasn't that great! So good of the Great Beyond to tell us his opinion of the Denver Airport murals. However, I happen to know the murals actually are a secret map to
THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.