Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, keeper of the Sacred Words- Ni, Peng, and Niii-Wom. I come to you today ashamed of my lack of belief in our beloved Raiders, who beat the collective ass of the 49ers last week. Derek Carr, praise be unto him, was flawless against a mighty Niners defense and carved them up like a Christmas ham. He truly is the future. Marcus Mariota has won all the awards there are to win, but the Raiders shouldn't even consider another quarterback for a long time.
So I have once again consulted with the Great Beyond, and here is what he has to say to you all.
"Why hello there! I'm sure you're pleased as punch that I was wrong about the Niners game. Some things are obscured even to me in the afterlife, such as just how awful the Niners have become. Jim Harbaugh is the same as he ever was, but his team is aging and their best linebackers are injured. It's a boiling cauldron of suck soup. He might well want to coach a young, hungry team with some talent, like the Raiders. I know Michigan wants him to replace that walking tub of pizza sauce Brady Hoke, but if Harbaugh goes there he will have a thing called "expectations". Raider fans will have no such problem and will just be happy to have someone competent at the helm, whomever that turns out to be.
However, in winning this game the Raiders dropped to fifth in the draft order. Grape job, guys. Winning any week is great, but the Raiders have been the worst team in football for a decade now and the one #1 overall pick they had was the worst #1 overall pick of all time, Jamarcus Russell. That's Warriors-like drafting right there. Tim Duncan? Nope. LeBron James? Nah. Joe Smith? Ding ding ding, you're the big winner!
So the Raiders will probably end up around #4, where they will get a very good player who can help them very much, just not the bounty that the #1 selection might have brought. Oh well. It's not the end of the world. Khalil Mack was taken fifth overall last year anyway, so it's not like the Raiders can't get better even like this.
But as for this week.... oh no. The Chiefs again? I gotta talk about the Chiefs again? It was bad enough last time. They're just so boring, there's nothing to say about them. They're not interesting, they're not fun to watch, they're not good or bad enough to make proper discussion. What can I even say?
I know what I can say. I know who the Chiefs' next quarterback will be. If you think really hard, the Chiefs have a pattern to their quarterback position. Many years ago, the Niners wanted to start Steve Young, so they traded Joe Montana to Kansas City. Then, in succession, the Chiefs acquired Elvis Grbac and Steve Bono. Currently they employ Alex Smith. So, logically, the next quarterback of the Chiefs will be...
Think about it. In 2018, Alex Smith won't be able to throw a frozen turkey through a pane of glass and won't be able to run better than Stephen Hawking on Valium. Andy Reid, who is already old, will retire to the Arctic and return to his ancestral home and raise a harem of fine-ass female walruses. Dem tusks, yo.
So the Chiefs will hire some hotshot new head coach who is just as boring as the rest, like Bo Pelini or Gary Andersen or Bret Bielema or something and he'll say, "You know what we need? We need a quarterback who can scramble and run, but we will mold him into a pocket passer like the great Jim Sorgi!" and they will send a third-round pick to San Francisco for Kaepernick, who will come to K.C. and become what every other quarterback becomes in K.C., which is Matt Cassel.
Here's a piece of advice, Chiefs. If you want Len Dawson, you should probably draft the next Len Dawson. Here are the last five quarterbacks drafted by Kansas City- Aaron Murray, Ricky Stanzi, Brodie Croyle, James Kilian and Pat Barnes. Do you see a starting-caliber quarterback in that group? I sure don't. None were taken with a pick higher than the third round.
The Chiefs will always be what they are, which is mostly okay. They may have a season or two where they are dreadful or excellent, but they will usually be 8-8 or 9-7. They will never draft a superstar quarterback because they obviously don't value the position enough to draft it over line positions and they don't want to pay that sort of quarterback what he will be worth. Until they draft a superstar quarterback, they will never take that next step. Alex Smith is good, but he's hardly a superstar. Andrew Luck is a superstar, and we all saw what he did to the Chiefs in the playoffs last year. That will always happen to them. It is the bed they have made for themselves. They will lie in it until the end of time.
As for this week, the Raiders have yet to show they can win on the road and they have yet to prove they can win two games in a row. Arrowhead is a tough place to play and the Chiefs will be out for revenge about the loss to Oakland earlier in the year. I think they will come out inspired, as passionate as a team this boring can be.
Chiefs win, 27-23.