Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, Grand Poobah of the Bedrock Water Buffaloes. I come to you today vindicated, correctly predicting a loss for the Raiders in Kansas City. Apparently you all forgot that the Raiders haven't won a game on the road in a very long time, and that Kansas City is an extremely hostile environment. That will show you. I've heard it said that 'trust' means giving someone the power to destroy you, and believing that they will not. Well, I love the Raiders, but I do not trust them. They have destroyed me over and over again.
And so in light of Oakland's upcoming game against the inexplicably good Buffalo Bills, I have once again consulted the Great Beyond regarding the outcome of the game. Here is what was related to me:
"You're back! You're certainly a glutton for punishment this season. Well, no matter. I see the Raiders are playing the Bills this week. Boy, have I got a story for you! It's one we love to tell up here in the afterlife, and I know you'll get a kick out of it. I am sure you are all familiar with the Biblical Book of Job. If you're not, here's the gist of it: There is a man in ancient times named Job who is a good friend of God and God treats him with favor. Satan, who is the Devil, takes notice of Job and says to God, "I bet he wouldn't like you so much if you weren't quite so nice to him." God says, "Wanna bet?" and so the Devil proceeds to ruin Job's life to prove to God that Job is only in it for the favor and really doesn't care about God at all. Job loses his livestock, his children, his wealth, and his house and is eventually stricken with great boils and sores all over his body. Still throughout this Job stays faithful to God, God gives everything back to Job with interest and the Devil looks like a total dick. The end.
However, what you may not know is that there's a modern-day Job. His name is Jim Kelly.
One day, God was sitting on His throne in Heaven when Satan walks into the room. Satan is a Miami Hurricanes fan and he looks like this.
Satan: Hey, God. There's this kid who goes to high school in Pittsburgh, named Jim Kelly. I want him to go to The U. They have hookers and blow.
God: That's great, but Jimmy wants to go to Penn State. In fact I've made sure my friend Joe Paterno offers him a scholarship.
S: Oh yeah? Well I have a friend on staff there too.
Penn State offers Jim Kelly a scholarship as a linebacker to play under Jerry Sandusky. Jim Kelly attends the University of Miami instead.
G: Well that sucked. I'll make sure Jimmy has a great career at Miami.
Jim Kelly has a great career at Miami.
S: Hey you know God, I bet Jimmy there only likes you because you're so nice to him. I happen to know he hates cold weather. You know who needs a quarterback this year, which is 1983? The Buffalo Bills! Ha ha!
Jim Kelly is drafted against his will by the Buffalo Bills. He nopes the hell out of that and joins the USFL, playing for the Houston Gamblers. He throws for a billion yards in two years before the USFL folds because it was run by other friends of Satan like Donald Trump.
G: Looks like Jim is with the Bills now. I'll send him to the Super Bowl.
S: Scott Norwood.
G: I'll send him to another one.
S: Mark Rypien. I am so clever.
G: This is silly. I'll send him to another one. Dan Marino had his shot.
S: The 1992 Cowboys, led by former Miami coach, Jimmy Johnson. I gave him that thing that lives on his head and looks like hair.
G: Getting tired of this now. One more time.
S: 1993 Cowboys.
G: Well, I guess that's it. Jimmy will never win a Super Bowl. At least he can retire in peace.
S: Guess again. I gave his son ass cancer or something.
Jim Kelly's son tragically dies at the age of eight from Leukodystrophy, also known as Krabbe disease. Jim Kelly sets up a charity in his son's memory and helps a ton of other kids. He also sets up a football camp for healthier kids.
G: See, Satan? Jimmy has stayed strong through everything that has happened to him. You're a dumbass.
S: Sure he can handle his son being sick, but what if he got cancer himself?
Jim Kelly contracts carcinoma
G: That's enough of that. /waves hand
S: One more thing before I go.
Jim Kelly contracts MRSA in his bones
And so that's where we are today. Not only has Jim Kelly been through a lot in his personal life and playing career, he has also spent his retirement in upstate New York where I'm certain he has had to watch a lot of Bills games since his retirement. He's seen the team go through quarterbacks like toilet paper, and many of them of the same quality as toilet paper. They've gone through Todd Collins and Doug Flutie and Rob Johnson and J.P. Losman and a virtual "who's that" of mediocre quarterbacks. And then just last year they drafted the incomparable E.J. Manuel, who is incomparable because I can't remember a quarterback being overdrafted to that extent.
Right now, though, they are starting noted neckbeard and all-around uninspiring choice Kyle Orton, who may not have the biggest arm in the world, but as any Purdue fan/abusive drunkard can tell you, he knows how to win. By that I mean he knows how to not lose, unless of course losing means letting Tim Tebow start a football game. Last week they beat what many think is the best team in the NFL, the Packers. Their defense has been surprisingly good, led by cornerback Stephon Gilmore, defesnsive tackle Marcell Dareus and the ghost of middle linebacker Kiko Alonso. Alonso, despite not playing at all this season, has more tackles than Miles Burris.
This one will be a battle. Buffalo is fighting to get a Wild Card playoff berth in the AFC. The Raiders are fighting to get the seventh overall draft pick instead of the third. Considering the Raiders will probably be starting a can of Ro-Tel diced tomatoes at outside linebacker in the absence of Sio Moore, I give the advantage to the Bills, though I wouldn't be surprised to see the Raiders pull the upset at home over a team that really isn't as good as its record says it is.
Bills win, 23-19.