Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, the pure at heart, the meek, the merciful, the peacemaker, and the poor in spirit. I come to you today positively shocked, but pleased that the Raiders were victorious over the Bills, who have ridden the Kyle Orton Mediocrity Express to its inevitable conclusion, which is Purdue Town. Nobody wants to end up in Purdue Town. It is a lonely, desolate place with naught but weeping, gnashing of teeth and an abundance of ranch dressing.
So I have once again consulted with the Great Beyond, who is wise above all others. He has shown me the way, and it is revealed thusly:
"You're back! I see I was wrong last week. Well how about that. A coach named Doug couldn't get it done. Has there ever been a great American named Doug? Doug Funnie doesn't count, as he is a cartoon character. Doug E. Fresh is from Barbados. Douglas Adams was British. The closest we have is Doug Flutie, who achieved his greatest success in Canada, where everyone is named Doug. My point is, never trust an American named Doug. They will let you down.
This week, the Raiders travel to Denver to face their Most Hated Rival, the Broncos, led by Peyton Manning. He was awful against the Bengals last week, and got pummeled so badly that his forehead grew even more pronounced. becoming an eight-head. He can no longer hide his true form using his helmet. Manning now looks like this:
Everyone now knows his deep, dark secret. Manning is from France.
But in the Spirit of Christmas, I would like to take you all on a little journey to the Manning Family Christmas, held as always at Archie Manning's mansion in New Orleans.
On Christmas morning, the Manning brothers pull up to their father's house. Peyton is driving a Buick because of course he is, and Eli is driving a Toyota Prius with his wife because he still has his Learner's Permit. Eli gets out of the car, and the sounds of Kenny G are heard blasting from the car stereo, which is powered by hamsters.
Eli: Hey, Peyton. Looks like Dad has valet parking this year.
Eli tosses his keys in the direction of the valet. The keys are intercepted by a red-tailed hawk and returned for a touchdown. Eli makes a face like this:
Eli: Aww, not again. Coach Coughlin is gonna have my ass in film study this week.
Peyton: That's why you have to be precise, like me. Precision you can only get in a Buick. Wouldn't you rather have a Buick?
Eli: Geez, bro, I'm not even fifty years old yet. Let's go inside.
The brothers walk up to the door and knock. A small porthole opens up and a figure leans out through it.
Doorman: What do you want?
Peyton: We're here to open Christmas presents.
Eli: And we know that's you, dad. That costume sucks.
Doorman: Nobody sees the Great and Powerful Archie Manning! Not nobody, not no how! Go away and come back tomorrow!
Eli: But today's Christmas! Abby promised me I could open my Nintendo!
Doorman: Well that's a horse of a different color! Come on in!
The door opens. Eli and Peyton walk into the house, where they come upon Archie Manning seated upon a ridiculous-looking throne.
Archie: I am the king of Christmas and College Football!
Peyton: Dad, you quit the College Football Playoff Committee before it even started.
Archie: Those miscreants wouldn't let me put the Saints in the Playoff! That sniveling brat Oliver Luck will be shocked when he can't put the Colts in, and Condi Rice will have her mind blown when she finds out she can't have Jameis Winston waterboarded!
Peyton: Can we just get on with the presents? I have to get home and watch the Heat and Cavs on DirecTV.
Eli: I can tell time! Look at my watch by Kitty-zen!
Eli: Here, Peyton, you open yours first.
Eli tosses a Christmas present at Peyton. It is intercepted by a mosquito and returned for a touchdown. The beating of the mosquito's wings cause a stiff breeze to impact Peyton, who falls down for a loss of six yards.
Peyton: Ouch! Glad I'm not too hurt. But if I had been, Nationwide would be on my side.
Archie: You're both a disgrace. I should have changed my name to Womanning.
Peyton: Let's just move on to dinner.
Archie: Yeah, I'm gonna grill up some-
Peyton Manning: Screw that, I've already had this party catered by Papa John's and Gatorade. Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa John's.
Eli: And Dunkin' Donuts!
Peyton: And by Carl's Jr. Fuck you, I'm eating.
Eli: Wait, Peyton, you don't have an endorsement deal with Carl's Jr.
Peyton: Nope, but if I say their name in public enough they'll send a naked Paris Hilton to my house with a cheeseburger.
The Manning Family chows down on Papa John's pizza and Gatorade. Before they succumb to the inevitable gut-wrenching gastrointestinal ailments, they all join hands for a Christmas carol around the tree.
Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores
Welcome Christmas Come this way
Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day
Peyton: Merry Christmas, and God bless us every one! And remember, kids...
So there you have it folks, just another typical Christmas in the Manning household. But what about the game on Sunday? Well, the Broncos are playing like hot garbage and will almost certainly lose the first playoff game they are in, but they have an awful lot to play for with a first-round bye on the line. Peyton Manning will certainly want that extra week off to rest his aching body, and he knows the weather will be bad because his trick knee is acting up again. After the season, Manning will take his Winnebago down to Yuma with the rest of the snowbirds and spend the winter selling game-used memorabilia at the flea market.
Can the Raiders win a game on the road, especially coming off a victory? It's been a long time since they won a road game or back-to-back games. I see Denver taking this one, but I could also see the Donks completely falling apart and limping into the playoffs. My heart says Raiders 35, Broncos 31 but my head says...
Broncos win, 42-30."
I hope you all have enjoyed this season's worth of Raiderdamus' Friday Foretelling! It really is a joy for me to write and converse with all of you about the games. One of these years I want to do more than sixteen games worth, so please make the playoffs, Raiders!