Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, the man who floats like a butterfly and stings like a Japanese hornet, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, and the only man who is feared by Jack Bauer. I come to you today with a hopeful heart, ready to see our beloved Raiders take on the world and show that they are a hell of a lot better than what the talking heads think they will be. I am ready to see Derek Carr slice and dice the rest of the league with his Ginsu knife of an arm and for Denarius Moore to step up and become a true #1 receiver. I am ready for some football.
So I have made contact with the Great Beyond, and requested of him to deliver unto me a message, portending what will happen between the Raiders and the Jets this Sunday. Here is what I received.
"Oh hey there. You caught me during the Afterlife Club Roast of Kim Jong-Il. Hold on, let me deliver my last zinger.
‘Later in life, Kim here used a walking cane. But he didn't need any help walking. He just needed to be able to press the top elevator button to his penthouse when he was by himself.'
Alright alright, you have my attention. Who are the Raiders playing this week? The Jets? Oh, that's good. I got lots of material for this.
The Jets' quarterback is Geno Smth. When I first heard that the University of West Virginia had a quarterback named Geno, I thought to myself, "Well, Morgantown sure is being progressive, letting an Italian guy live there." Imagine my shock! But this is the school that had another black quarterback named Pat White, whose name couldn't be more Caucasian if it were Hollingsworth Q. Wonderbread.
Rex Ryan is a master at creating defensive practice drills. His favorite is ‘This Little Piggy'.
Eric Decker now plays for the Jets. He decided to stop catching passes from Peyton Manning in favor of Geno Smith. That's the worst decision anyone has made since this guy.
The Jets used to employ Plaxico Burress, who is the only man ever to be sent to prison for shooting himself. Where I come from, you don't get jail time for that, because you've already performed your community service.
The Jets will never win the Super Bowl again, because God hates the Jets. God hated the Jets in 1969 too, but ol' Spirit in the Sky REALLY had it out for Colts coach Weeb Ewbank, so the Jets were frankly the lesser of two evils.
The Jets' backup quarterback is Michael Vick. Woof.
I see the Jets signed the reanimated corpse of Chris Johnson as their new star running back. Good to see they, like Oakland, are gunning for that 2009 AFC Championship. If only they could have convinced James Harrison not to retire.
The Jets share a stadium with their big brother team, the New York Football Giants, whose mascot is not a giant at all, but the letters ‘N' and ‘Y'. This is to make them look like the Yankees, because all Jets and Giants fans are these people.
Now I know Jets coach Dr. Scholls is considered a defensive guru, and he's a very charismatic (read: fat and loud) guy, but he should have been fired years ago. I'm sure the University of Michigan would love to have him, and they have that lucrative Wolverine Boots sponsorship. How about you tattoo Brian Griese on yourself, Mrs. Ryan? (Guess what, Chiefs fans? You are now ‘charismatic'! Add that to your Farmersonly.com profiles.)
If this game were in Oakland, the Raiders would win. They have the next great quarterback in Derek Carr and a reasonably good defense for the first time in a decade to go along with a cromulent offensive line. Unfortunately, this game is played in the Eastern Time Zone, which may as well be the Bermuda Triangle because it makes the Raiders get lost. Nothing good ever comes of away games on the East Coast. Derek Carr will play well and will likely shred the Jets secondary, but the Raiders will find some way to derp this game away in the final minute or so.
Jets win, 27-24. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some water in Terrell Randall's momma's dish."