clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Jack Del Rio inspires 2015 NFL Head Coach wrestling Bracketology

New, comments

Jack Del Rio has let one USA Today sportswriter to design a head coach free-for-all tournament. Who would win?

This week in preparation for the Raiders' game against the Chicago Bears, Raiders coach Jack Del Rio stated light-heartedly that he'd like to settle the game by wrestling former boss John Fox at the 50-yard line. Now Jack may have meant that jokingly, but we here at The Internet are deadly serious about wrestling and about tournaments. This led USA Today writer Lindsay Jones to design this NCAA March Madness style NFL head coach Hunger Games tournament.

The bracket seeding is set up as follows:


1) Rex Ryan

4) Joe Philbin

3) Todd Bowles

2) Bill Belichick


1) Gus Bradley

4) Bill O'Brien

3) Chuck Pagano

2) Ken Whisenhunt


1) Tom Coughlin

4) Jay Gruden

3) Chip Kelly

2) Jason Garrett


1) Ron Rivera

4) Lovie Smith

3) Sean Payton

2) Dan Quinn


1) Mike Tomlin

4) Marvin Lewis

3) Mike Pettine

2) John Harbaugh


1) Jack Del Rio

4) Andy Reid

3) Gary Kubiak

2) Mike McCoy


1) Mike Zimmer

4) Jim Caldwell

3) John Fox

2) Mike McCarthy


1) Pete Carroll

4) Jeff Fisher

3) Bruce Arians

2) Jim Tomsula

I think an intriguing early match is Todd Bowles vs. Bill Belichick. I'm pretty sure ol' Bill will have videotaped Bowles' training regimen and Tom Brady will hit Bowles with a steel chair while the ref is distracted. Rex Ryan will easily submit noted pantywaist Joe Philbin with a bear hug. Belichick will proceed to have his valet entice Rex Ryan with her feet in the second round and Belichick will hit his finishing move, the Deflater to take the division. In the AFC South I see Gus Bradley and Bill O'Brien boring the crowd to a time-limit draw, while Chuck Pagano beats Ken Whisenhunt with a Rick Steiner bulldog off the top rope. Pagano takes the South.

In the NFC East, I see Tom Coughlin submitting Jay Gruden with repeated blows to the head and groin. Chip Kelly will defeat Jason Garrett with some sweet lucha libre moves, and then will defeat Coughlin in a beer-bottle-on-a-pole match. Kelly moves on.

In the NFC South, Ron Rivera gets past Lovie Smith because Smith does not know how to use any offensive moves, and just tries to defend and run away until he is counted out. Dan Quinn gets past an ailing Sean Payton, who has a bum shoulder which makes his offensive maneuvers ineffective. Quinn and Rivera have a classic Ironman match, culminating in Rivera getting a last-second pin after putting Quinn through a table. Rivera faces Kelly in the quarterfinals.

As for the AFC North, Mike Tomlin starts off by defeating Marvin Lewis with a vicious powerbomb. Mike Pettine faces off with John Harbaugh, but loses by DQ when the ref catches a Browns executive trying to interfere with the match. Tomlin then defeats Harbaugh in a slugfest, winning when former Steeler great Mean Joe Greene runs out and throws a bottle of Coke in Harbaugh's face.

Facing off first in the AFC West, Jack Del Rio has trouble with the girth of Andy Reid but finally manages to lift the big man for a bodyslam and finish him off with the Atomic Legdrop for the victory. Gary Kubiak defeats Mike McCoy when Peyton Manning interferes and drops the Pistol Neckbreaker on McCoy. Del Rio proceeds to finish off Kubiak with a Mean Mark-style Heart Punch, which he henceforth dubs the Donkey Punch. Del Rio moves on.

In the NFC North, Mike Zimmer has little trouble with Jim Caldwell, who finds it hard to beat anyone that isn't a jobber. John Fox grinds out a tough match over Mike McCarthy, ending the match with the Ditka Driver. Fox comes out victorious over Zimmer in a Loser Leaves the Midwest match. Fox advances to the next round.

As for the NFC West, Jeff Fisher uses the power of his Ravishing Rick Rude moustache to make short work of Pete Carroll, who tries an aerial attack when a ground and pound would have been more effective. Jim Tomsula apparently has never wrestled before and is submitted by Bruce Arians in about fifteen seconds. Fisher then defeats the aged Arians with a headbutt of the top rope. Fisher wins the division.

In the quarterfinals, Bill Belichick defeats Chuck Pagano with the Tuck Rule cradle piledriver and moves on to face Chip Kelly, who beats Ron Rivera with a flurry of offense, having no regard for his own personal safety. The Del Rio-Tomlin match ends when Mike Mitchell runs out to the ring in his Steelers jersey and decks Tomlin with some brass knuckles, ripping off his Steelers jersey to reveal a Raiders jersey underneath. John Fox makes it past Jeff Fisher when Fisher falls down just before he can pin Fox, allowing Fox to slap on an ankle lock for the victory.

The Chip Kelly vs. Bill Belichick match has a controversial ending. The two battle for nearly an hour, when finally Kelly puts Belichick in a Sharpshooter leglock. Before Belichick submits, however, Roger Goodell runs out and tells the ref to ring the bell. Belichick looks around incredulously, but the match is over. Belichick proceeds to demolish NFL video equipment.

Del Rio and John Fox finally meet in the semi-finals in a highly anticipated matchup. The finish comes when Jay Cutler knocks out the referee, but Del Rio throws him out the ring. Reggie McKenzie runs in and uses a Samoan Drop to weaken Fox, who runs into a Black Hole Slam courtesy of Del Rio. A replacement referee runs in and counts the 1-2-3 for a Del Rio victory.

The finals then pit Chip Kelly against Jack Del Rio, in a steel cage match. Kelly tries to attack the legs with his Figure Fourth Down Conversion leglock, but Del Rio powers out and hits Kelly with the Sea of Hands punch flurry and the Holy Roller flipping piledriver.  Kelly recovers, but Del Rio staggers him with a kick to the groin and then the Violator Backdrop. Del Rio climbs out of the cage to seal the victory.

So that's how I see it going! What do you guys think? Should Del Rio come out victorious over a large pool of sleep-deprived middle aged men?