Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the man who holds the world record for most Polish sausages consumed out of sheer sorrow during the 2014 NFL season. I come to you today triumphant, having correctly predicted the Raiders' triumph in Cleveland over the Browns. The Browns, as always, get a gold star for trying, but the Raiders get the victory. This week they will travel to the hostile confines of Soldier Field to take on the worst team in football, the Chicago Bears.
I consulted the Great Beyond to find out the outcome of this game, and this is the message that came through.
"Hello and welcome to Bill Swerski's Superfans, I am Bob Swerski, filling in for the Great Beyond who is recovering from the latest in a long series of massive heart attacks. We are here live at Ditka's restaurant deep in the heart of Chicago, and we're here to talk about the Raiders' upcoming game against a certain team, from a certain Midwestern city, which come next April will undoubtedly hold the number one pick in the NFL Draft and finally get to jettison the apathetic slug known as Jay Cutler. I speak of course about, DAAAAAAAAAA BEARS.
With me as always are my friends Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, and Todd O'Connor. Todd of course is quite deceased at this point, having suffered his twenty-sixth massive heart attack. Now as we all know, Da Bears are dead last in all power polls of any repute whatsoever, but are number one in our hearts- especially Todd's.
As a lifelong aficionado of Da Bears, I can safely say that I know exactly what needs to be done to put Da Bears back on track. Firstly, the team must separate itself from the laziest, snottiest, most spineless quarterback in Bears history, Jay Cutler.
Even the quarterback of a certain 1985 team from a certain city in Illinois, despite his multiple concussions, would be a better choice than Cutler at this point. I speak of course of Super Bowl champion and the greatest quarterback of all time, Jim McMahon. MC-MAAAAAAAAAHON.
So our Bears come into this game having lost three straight games, and that includes their fourth straight loss to the Packers and their eleventh loss in the last twelve meetings with the Pack. Todd, are you okay? It looks like recollecting the recent history between those two teams has caused Todd to have his twenty-seventh coronary, but since he's already dead it's not going to hurt anything.
But it remains true that the only way to fix Da Bears' problems is to start at the top. Da Bears hired a coach away from Denver in the offseason, a man who rode the coattails of Peyton Manning for two years with nothing to show for it, John Fox. If Da Bears were smart, they would look to a certain coach from the past, who led a certain 1985 Bears team to an epic destruction of the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
This man is of course, Coach Ditka. Surely Da Bears have enough capital to hire him and his glorious hair away from ESPN and put him back on da sidelines where he belongs. He wouldn't tolerate Jay Cutler's lack of heart or his defense giving up a billion points to teams which could not hold the jockstrap of the 1985 Bears. It is without question that Coach Ditka would lead Da Bears back to the promised land, and the NFL would have no choice but to switch the Super Bowl from whatever Polish sausage-less sunny Southern town it was being held in and have the game at Soldier Field so that Ditka could hoist the trophy in front of his adoring home fans. The denizens of New Orleans or Miami do not deserve to see such a sight.
Now it's a well-known fact that Hurricane Joaquin is bearing down on the East Coast at this very moment. However, it's a lesser-known fact that 'Joaquin' is Spanish for 'Ditka'. This hurricane is going to smash against the eastern seaboard and try its level best to make it so far inland that it will inundate Chicago with a deluge not seen since the Flood of Noah. This is the only way Da Bears will escape the Raider game without a loss.
If Jay Cutler mercifully cannot play in this game, it will be up to Jimmy Clausen Pickles to try to attack the Raiders defense. Clausen sounds like something you should put on a Chicago dog, not something that should be playing for Da Bears.
However, despite all the factors going against Da Bears this week, I foresee a low-scoring affair. The Raiders will barely squeak this one out in the presence of 61,500 Bears fans, all of whom will be wearing paper bags over their heads.
Raiders 437, Bears negative 12.