Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the excellence of execution, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, if you smell what I am cooking. This week RaiderDamus comes to you fresh off a much needed bye week and fresh off yet another correct predicition of a Raiders loss (which has become somewhat of a theme in the career of RaiderDamus) although it was not nearly as lopsided as predicted. The Raiders missed two field goals and threw a pick-six in a game they lost by six points, and did not allow an offensive touchdown to the Broncos. That's progress even though it didn't result in a victory. The Raiders did enough to win, but also did more than enough to lose. They used to just do one of those things.
The really glorious part of the last two weeks has been witnessing the complete implosion of Peyton Manning, who leads the league in interceptions thrown to Charles Woodson as well as interceptions in general. He should probably have retired before the season started, but seeing him hang on desperately because the Broncos' only other option is Brock Osweiler is utterly delicious.
And so I am here to tell you the future, but I cannot do that alone. To that end I have yet again contacted the oracle known as the Great Beyond for insight into the upcoming Raiders vs. Chargers game. Here is what the big guy in the sky had to say:
"I see the Broncos game was not quite as deplorable as thought, but you guys did all need your hard liquor at the end there, right? Luckily I get all the mead I can drink up here. The Raiders played well, but still lost. That happens sometimes. At least you're not the Colts, who were a trendy Super Bowl pick but it turns out they are absolute ass in a bad division.
So who you got this week? The Chargers? Again? Man, I tell you what. If I were in corporeal form I would do nothing but hang out in Southern California and eat Mission style burritos all day long. Those things are incredible. A lot of the time I make fun of whatever shithole city the Raiders' opponent comes from, but I can't do it here. San Diego might be one of the greatest places on Earth. There has recently been a severe drought affecting California, but nobody in San Diego noticed because it never rains there anyway.
The easiest jobs in the world are:
1) Vanna White. Her skillet is restricted to touching rectangles that have become illuminated and clapping. It used to be that she would actually turn the tile when the letter was guessed correctly, but now she doesn't even do that.
2) Weatherman in San Diego.
"What's the weather like this week, Todd?"
"Nice! Back to you."
The people of San Diego are also lovely. There is a diverse mix of whites, blacks, Hispanics and Asians. This not only ensures that the food in San Diego is always fantastic and also creates law enforcement jobs by guaranteeing there will be an absurd amount of crime and gang violence. Ahh, capitalism.
The problem with the good people of San Diego is that they are not sports fans. If you've ever driven to San Diego from Arizona along I-10, you will not see baseball complexes or football fields. What you will see are hundreds of horse ranches. These people love horses and do not give two solitary shits about football. If any of you gentlemen have ever dated a girl who is really into horses, you will attest to the fact there is no crazy quite like horsewoman crazy. They are a special type of nuts.
San Diegans either like horses, cooking, or surfing. There's nothing wrong with that, but they do technically have two major pro sports teams. The San Diego Padres kind of exist, but they are like the Chargers in that the few damn years they were good they ran into one of the best teams ever. The Padres lost in the World Series in 1984 to the Tigers and in 1998 to the 1998 Yankees, who were in the middle of winning four straight titles. Bad luck there. The Chargers made the big game once, losing the Super Bowl to the 1994 49ers, which is one of the very best modern teams money could buy and then brutally cripple the team's salary cap for the next ten years. The score of that game was 49-26, but it was not nearly that close.
The Chargers are also well known for wasting the career of Hall of Famer Dan Fouts, who is widely regarded as the finest quarterback never to sniff the Super Bowl. One could make a case for Warren Moon as well, and that one would be Frank Reich. Philip Rivers may yet be considered for that title, because he is just good enough to win most of his regular season games but never good enough to beat a really great team in the playoffs. He's a lot like Alex Smith in that sense.
The Chargers are a franchise that has totally adopted Rivers' personality. They are good but not great, they are finesse over toughness and discipline, and they whine like a fat kid getting dragged unceremoniously out of a Baskin Robbins before he gets to order. "Ohh, we don't have a new stadium! We're going to move!" The Raiders think that is really precious, San Diego. There are Texas high school football teams with better stadiums than o.co Coliseum.
So for the remainder of this piece, we're going to make fun of Philip Rivers because he deserves it.
While Rivers did have one of the best passing days of all time last Sunday, ball security is not exactly a big part of his game.
Rivers also has a tendency to be a bit of a grumpypuss on the field.
However, he can also be excitable as well.
But sometimes he feels the need to play more aggressively and really add some teeth to his game.
Hey Phil, do you think this article is funny?
Raiders win, 30-27."