clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Jets

New, comments

With the Raiders 3-3, they face a serious test at home Sunday against a legitimate playoff contender in the New York Jets. What will become of our heroes this weekend? The Great Beyond will reveal everything!

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the based seer, the truth, the answer, and the World's Freshest Man. I come to you today fresh off yet another completely accurate prediction, wherein the Raiders defeated the San Diego Chargers by a thinner margin than they deserved. RaiderDamus was concerned when Oakland opened up a thirty point lead, but as is the Raiders' custom they let the other team back into the game before clamping down.

So yet again I summon up the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful Great Beyond and beseech him to reveal to us all what will befall our favorite team this Sunday. Here is what the Great Old One has to say:

"Well well! Things are looking up in Raiderland. Soon enough, Raiderland will be Los Angeles, but for now the good people who can still afford to live in Oakland have something to cheer about. Who you got this week? The Jets? Oh, dis gun be good. We can make fun of the Browns and Jaguars of the world all we like, but it wasn't too long ago the Jets were the absolute dregs of the league. For years and years and possibly even to this day, the Jets have been harried by poor personnel decisions and impotent front office executives. I know they were professionals doing the best they could do. I'd love to see things from their perspective, but I am not sure I can stick my head that far up my ass.

While the Jets' front office most certainly sucks, the only thing worse than the Jets is Jets fans. For years and years, the Jets' home faithful was led at their stadium by an upstanding man named Fireman Ed.

This is how Fireman Ed always looks, and it is impossible to tell whether he is pleased or angered by whatever it is the Jets are doing. My point here is as follows. Ed used to come to all the games and lead the stupid-ass chants of "J-E-T-S" (which was his way of reminding people who went to New Jersey public schools how to spell Jets) until he abruptly retired, citing 'unruly behavior' by his fellow Jets fans.

If Fireman Ed (a man who gained his nickname ostensibly by dealing on a regular basis with buildings which were actually on fire at the time) thinks your fanbase is unruly, you have a serious problem. You may not be Cleveland or Philadelphia, but you ARE New Jersey, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. This is the equivalent of Darth Raider or Violator not coming to Oakland games anymore because they felt unsafe. This would be like if Barrel Man stopped going to Broncos games because people kept dumping ice into his barrel, rather than no longer going to games because he died.

You can say a lot about Jets fans. You can say they are loud, boorish cretins who do nothing all day but comb their hair, masturbate to pictures of Derek Jeter and tell everyone they know about Crossfit. You can say they are meatheads of the highest order, people so brutish they think the Wonderlic is a sex act. But you can never say about them that they do not know football. I say this because every NFL Draft, the Jets fans show up en masse to boo or cheer whomever it is the Jets take. Years ago, the Jets drafted approximately four hundred and seventy-three first round busts in a row and the Jets fans booed every single fucking one of them.

There is a famous clip of a Jets fan at the draft, who looks suspiciously like Jeff Fisher, defending the Jets drafting some derelict over a future Hall of Famer by saying "maybe the Jets know something we don't". Well guess what, buddy. The Jets NEVER knew something you didn't, because they were a bunch of dipshits. Football fans always think they could do a better job than those goons running their team, Jets fans were correct about this. If the Jets had simply drafted who the fans wanted, they would have won five Super Bowls in the 1990s alone. The entire job of the Jets front office could have been done via poll of season ticket holders.

In recent years, however, the Jets have been on a real roll of success. They have drafted extremely well in the last decade, picking up good players like Sheldon Richardson, Leonard Williams, Calvin Pryor, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Nick Mangold, Darrelle Revis, Muhammad Wilkerson and Dustin Keller. The worst pick they've made was the one that set them back the furthest- Mark Sanchez. Here is Mark Sanchez's career highlight:

This will never EVER get old. I don't care if this play did directly help the freaking Patriots. This is literally the worst play in NFL history and yes I am including the recent fake punt attempt by the Colts.

While I am concerned that the Jets' recent run of success in drafting could lead to them finding more success on the field, I am not concerned about the Jets winning the title. This is because the New York Post, which is about as trashy a tabloid as you will find west of the Sun in the UK, would be able to print the headline "SUPER BOWLES" which is the absolute zenith of lazy journalism handed to them on a silver platter and God Himself would have no choice but to intervene to ensure that the Post is never ever allowed to do this.

The Jets fired Rex Ryan because he was a loudmouth asshole who did not win. The media gets tired of that after a while, so they all called for his head which was delivered to them like Salome receiving the head of John the Baptist. Instead they got Todd Bowles, a man so nondescript and generic that I cannot possibly make fun of him. I do not believe he actually has a personality. This is perfect for New York, because as long as he goes 9-7 (which he will, every year) the media will have fuck-all to say about him. The Jets have zero chance until Tom Brady retires and everyone in New York is painfully aware of this, regardless of who the Jets' coach is. They could hire the rotting carcass of Vince Lombardi and he would be a five-point home underdog to the Patriots.

I don't know what the hell's going on out here either, Vince.

As for this game, the Raiders' march toward the playoffs begins right here. The Jets are a seriously good team this season, and will remain so until they put Geno Smith back into the starting lineup. Their defense is fantastic and their offense isn't making mistakes. Super Bowls have been won this way (Baltimore 2000, Tampa Bay 2002). Not saying the Jets will win anything this year, but they are actually doing the things their team was designed to do. They are running the ball with authority and stopping the run better than anyone else.

Their problem will be that Oakland is second in the league in rush defense and if any team besides the Patriots and Packers can throw 45 times in a game and actually win, it's Oakland. The Chargers do this anyway and still lose.

I would not be surprised to see the Jets come out flat after their hard fought game with New England, but the Raiders often come out flat after a win. The Raiders absolutely can win this game and probably should, but the Jets are really tough. I'm not ready to predict a Raider win in a game like this until they show they can actually win a game like this against a good team. This game is as close to a toss-up as you can get. If you're betting, take the Raiders as even if they lose I see them covering the spread.

Jets win, 24-23."