Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, the man who is both too cool for school and too bitchin' for the kitchen. I come to you today, with good news and bad news. The bad news is, the Raiders lost to the Bears. The good news is everyone on the team got hurt, so the team was not and is not at full strength. If the team had been at full strength and still lost to Chicago, we would all still be drunk from last Sunday.
But now the Raiders move on to play Denver, who come from a place which is eerily similar to RaiderDamus' home in Outer Montana, yet somehow douchier with much less to do. Anyone in Colorado who is not somehow a Broncos' fan is probably a CU Buffs fan, and that lot is literally the worst group of people west of Dallas-Fort Worth.
Now I assume everyone here still wants to know the future, and to that end I have yet again summoned up the Great Beyond to ask him about the game on Sunday. Here is the message that came through.
"You came back! I thought that crapping of the bed against the Bears would finally drive you away, but I admire your persistence. Who ya got this week? The Broncos? Haven't you written like eight articles making fun of them? Well, no matter. With John Smellway at the helm of that franchise, there is always more to make fun of!
Let's begin with a little history lesson. Denver was founded in 1858 by singer/songwriter John Denver, who named the town after himself in a rare bout of hubris. Denver was founded as a silver mining town, but when the silver ran out it became little more than a Castle Black-style sentinel protecting the Rocky Mountains from the scourge of Kansas. Kansas, interestingly enough, also serves the same purpose.
The Denver Broncos began AFL play approximately 100 years later, and started off with some god-awful brown and yellow uniforms. Even though those terrible uniforms only lasted a season or so, you can still see them today being worn by the University of Wyoming. The Broncos changed their colors in 1961 to orange and blue, but somehow made their look even worse by adopting this helmet featuring a horse that clearly has hoof and mouth disease.
For most people though, Broncos history begins in 1982 when Stanford QB John Elway decided that not playing football at all would be preferable to playing for the Colts, and refused to sign with them. The league then conspired to screw the Raiders out of a trade for him, and allowed Denver to sign him. Whatever people today might say to bitch and moan about Roger Goodell, the answer is "Pete Rozelle" and they should shut the hell up. How many Super Bowls might the Raiders have won with Elway at the helm? Five? Six? We will never know.
So while signing John Elway was definitely the high water mark of Broncos lore, hiring him as general manager might be one of the lows. Not only did Elway run Tim Tebow out of town (a man who won a playoff game for Denver for the first time in a very long time), but he made the mistake of signing the wrong Peyton Manning.
Peyton Manning #1: Hi, I'm Peyton Manning and I have DirecTV.
Peyton Manning #2: Hi, I'm Sucks-In-The-Playoffs Peyton Manning and I have cable.
Peyton Manning #1: I make Rex Grossman look like Chad Pennington.
Peyton Manning #2: And I make Andy Dalton look like Joe Montana!
Peyton Manning #1: I get paid a lot of money to be a spokesperson for Papa John's.
Peyton Manning #2: And when I choose pizza toppings, I like to Pick Six!
Peyton Manning #1: I throw touchdowns to Marvin Harrison.
Peyton Manning #2: I throw touchdowns to Tracy Porter!
Peyton Manning #1: I can win the Super Bowl even in bad weather conditions.
Peyton Manning #2: Well I uhh
Now, farbeit for us to pick on Peyton Manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. After all, life has picked on him enough, what with never beating Florida while in college and losing the Heisman trophy to Charles Woodson and never having a decent defense with the Colts and basically having to do everything himself. It could be a lot worse for the Broncos. Without Manning, they would be starting Brock Osweiler, who is twelve feet tall and made of papier-mache and disappointment. Did you know "Osweiler" is German for "Mallett"?
As for this game, I understand that after the Bears loss expectations are pretty low here. However, I feel that a full-strength Raiders team matches up to Denver pretty well. Denver's defense is excellent but their offensive line is made of duct tape and prayer and they have not been able to run the football whatsoever. They have essentially made Manning pass the ball until his arm falls off every single game and have won all of them. That's not going to bite them in the ass in the AFC playoffs, no sirree. However, this week it might just be more of the same. The Raiders' secondary consists of Charles Woodson and players who should be on the Jaguars' practice squad. The Raiders' pass rush has been pretty good lately but Manning has such a quick release it isn't going to matter. This one may get ugly. Have your hard liquor on hand.
And if the Raiders win, you're welcome for the reverse psychology.
Broncos win, 38-19.