Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, the man who floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee, the man who can't be beat, and the baddest man on the planet. Today I come to you pleased that I was wrong about my prediction of a Raiders loss, and ecstatic that the Raiders kicked the Jets' ass up and down the field last Sunday. But it's time to move on to the next game, so without further ado, I present to you once again the Great Beyond in all his verbose glory.
"I see the Raiders proved they can win a game against a good team! And not only did they win, they completely dominated without giving quarter or leaving any question whatsoever as to who was the better team. It's great to see them do that. Who you got this week? The Steelers? Oh, man. Here we go.
The Raiders have always prided themselves on being the tough guys, the outcasts, the misfits. The Cowboys have always been the glamour team of the league, the Hollywood superstars, America's Team (because America is Texas if you ask anyone from Texas). The Steelers, however, are a team that gives their obnoxious fans an identity by portraying an image of a blue-collar team that does things the 'Right Way'.
The problem is that the Steelers are just as big a bunch of thugs and miscreants as anyone else. James Harrison, who is currently a starting linebacker for the team, once got into a knock-down drag-out fight with his girlfriend over whether to baptize their son. Owner Art Rooney had the audacity to defend him for his actions. If there's one thing holier-than-thou people LOVE to do, it's fight over religion.
Add to this the fact that all of the Steelers' 1970s Super Bowls were won on the back of a team juiced out of their mind on steroids and one that STILL had to cheat to win, and the fact that the three quarterbacks they currently employ are:
1) A rapist who drunkenly crashed his motorcycle
2) A convicted dog murderer who founded and ran a large dog fighting ring
3) Named after a former Cowboys head coach
You can see how their reputation somewhat falls apart here. Yet they continue to portray themselves as the one true beacon of hope and joy to their fans, who can usually be seen wearing XXXL Steelers pajama pants and eating a triple cheeseburger with a Diet Coke. They are, in fact, the St. Louis Cardinals of football, doing things with class and worthy of your respect.
CARDINALS FANS: We're the classiest organization in sports. We will outwork everyone and do things the right way, the way our grandparents did it, with blood sweat and tears and without resorting to drugs or foul play. If you don't like it, deal with-
/Mark McGwire hits 70 home runs hopped up on Andro
/Oscar Taveras drunkenly drives himself and his girlfriend off a goddamn cliff
The only real difference between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Steelers is that the Cardinals can play defense too.
It's strange how Pittsburgh tries to look like a blue-collar town, because blue-collar means you have a job. Pittsburgh's economy has totally crashed due to the steel industry collapsing (see: Ohio) and the team really should change their name to the Pittsburgh Plastics.
Speaking of the steel industry, Andrew Carnegie bought the Homestead Steel Works (just east of Pittsburgh) in 1882. In 1893, the workers union decided to strike because despite the success of the plant, Carnegie wanted to reduce their wages. Carnegie decided to show his support for the striking workers by hiring the Pinkerton Detective Agency to invade the town and shoot the steel workers. This did not go as planned, and while six workers were killed, the townspeople collectively beat the shit out of the Pinkertons and threw them out of town. Today we know the Pinkertons as the Federal Bureau of Investigations.
There is a "food item" in Pittsburgh called the 'Pittsburgh rare' steak. It is just like Mike Tomlin- black and fiery on the outside, cold and dead on the inside. Living in a town full of people who jerk off to video of Chuck Noll stoically gazing off into space and Bill Cowher berating an official like Sgt. Slaughter yelling at the Iron Sheik will do that to a man's soul, especially when those people call for your firing every time you lose a game even though all your good players have retired and your team hasn't drafted a good defender since Jason 'Disney' Worilds.
Tomlin has done an exemplary job given the absolute shitshow he has in Pittsburgh today. Mr. Gray Dick at quarterback lumbers around in the pocket like a bison trying to juke a rifle bullet and the once-vaunted Steel Curtain defense is more like a Venetian blind. The offensive line is a joke and their starting center was lost for the year back in preseason with a knee injury. Speaking of knee injuries, Le'Veon Bell is also out for the year with a knee injury. Can you get busted by the league for smoking pot if you're on IR? Bell will probably find out eventually.
Roethisberger has won two Super Bowls. Do we call him Super Bowl-winning quarterback Ben Roethisberger? No. He has gone to three Pro Bowls. Do we call him Pro Bowl quarterback Ben Roethisberger? No. But you expose yourself to one lady in a bathroom stall, and suddenly you're Ben Rapelisberger. Ben felt he had to do this though, because he made a pass at the girl but it was intercepted and run back for a score by the Bengals. Seriously, Big Ben is a piece of garbage and I hope Khalil Mack puts his ass into that swamp they call a field there at Big Ketchup Stadium. (RD note: recently I did a Google search for Heinz Field turf. I accidentally typed in Heinz Field turd. The results did not change in any way)
Literally the only thing the Steelers have going for them is their receiving corps. Antonio Brown is the best receiver in football and Martavis Bryant is a star in his own right. The Steelers will in no way be able to run against the Raiders any more than the Jets did and if the Steelers are to have any success it will be to target Brown 30 times and hope for the best. On defense, the Steelers have a dreadful secondary, and will have to rely on their linebackers including Ryan Shazier and the aforementioned James Harrison to generate pressure, as well as their stud DE, Cameron Heyward. Heyward is the son of former NFL running back and very large man Craig 'Iron Head' Heyward, whom I have it on good authority that RaiderDamus' mother once called "Ironwood Hay-head" because she hates the Rams.
None of this will work. The Raiders will bury the Steelers and their hopes of a title just like the advent of modern technology buried the steel industry.
Raiders win, 30-17."