Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, the man of the hour, the man with the plan, your MC, DJ, MD, DDS and Ph.D. I come to you today saddened by the Raiders' epic choke job at the hands of the Chefs, but vindicated in that the Great Beyond predicted the game correctly. I don't want to hear any shit-talk about the Great Beyond's predictive skills this week. You all thought the game would be a victory, but the Big Guy in the Sky knew better. We have lost a lot of games in a lot of ways in recent years, but Derek Carr forgetting what team he plays for is a new one. He says it keeps him up at night. He needs to move on, let us stay up at night wailing over it because we will all do that anyway.
Onto this week! The Raiders have a huge challenge on the road against their bitterest of enemies, the team that has owned them in the last few years, the hated and churlish Denver Broncos. I again consulted with Senor Beyond about the game and this is what he had to say to you all:
"Hey, wow, that Chefs game was a tough one to lose. Ouch. You know, the great quarterbacks all have bad days. Favre threw a ton of picks and holds the record, Tony Romo throws them like he's trying to get paid for it ("This Dallas Cowboys pick-six brought to you by Carl's, Jr".) and Peyton Manning has more picks this year than he has brain cells remaining. Still, the great ones also don't lose a game like that. However, Carr came back against the Ravens and the Titans so we know he can do it, he just didn't. He will get better. And he'll now have Crabtree for a long time.
So who you got this week? Denver? Again? Aww, man. I've already made fun of their stupid airport, their Super Bowl losses (none of which they've lost by fewer than 17 points) and Peyton Manning. How can I keep piling on? I have to, though, because you play them twice every single year. How boring. Well, this is what I do, so here goes.
So it looks like ol' Five-Head Manning has breathed his last puff of ice-breath on the cold winter's football field. It's a shame, because as fun as it was watching him carve up crappy defenses in the fall, it was even more fun watching him leave his talent on the bus in December because he had to play outside in chilly weather.
Note how red Manning Face is in the cold. Peyton looks like he's getting ready to rob a 7-Eleven in Hayward. His forehead is bulging with red veins, his knees are weak, palms are sweaty, there's vomit on his jersey, mom's chicken parmesan.
But now Denver turns to their "Quarterback of the Future", Brock Osweiler. I'm not sure if you knew this, but Osweiler is tall. He is so tall that dickhead Denver fans will often come up to him and say in a smarmy tone, "How's the weather up there?" implying that Osweiler's head is in an entirely different climate than theirs. This is an absurd statement, because Denver is a mile above sea level, and there is only one climate which is known as GOD HELP ME I CAN'T BREATHE
Osweiler is the new Joe Flacco. People constantly ask if Joe Flacco is elite. The answer is "LOLNO" because this year we saw what happens when the Ravens can't run or play defense. Joe could not save them. He threw a ton of picks and then cut out his own ACL to avoid having to play for the Ravens anymore. Broncos fans will call into Denver sports talk rado and ask, "can Brock Osweiler be elite?" and they will have made a mistake, because they called the Big Al and D-Mac show, and D-Mac aka Darren McKee is a Boston guy who looks like Mike Smith from the Trailer Park Boys, and he will respond "You know who is elite? David Price!" and then he will talk about the Red Sox, Bill Russell and Cam Neely for four hours while poor Al Wilson tries to find some bleach to drink.
D-Mac's features are too small for his face. He reminds me of Woll Smoth.
Osweiler is taking over from the legendary Peyton Manning, who has won as many Super Bowls as Brad Johnson. Joe Flacco took over for the legendary... uhh.... hold on while I look this up... Kyle Boller and the bloated corpse of Steve McNair. McNair was actually not dead when he played for Baltimore, but you wouldn't have known it by watching their games.
Okay I have to stop here and digress for a minute. I know we played Baltimore already but I didn't bring this up, and I just want to list here all the Ravens starting quarterbacks ever. This list makes the Lions' list look like the 2014 Ohio State Buckeyes.
Scott freaking Mitchell I shit you not
Jim Harbaugh yes THAT Jim Harbaugh
Wow. Raise your hand if you remembered that Vinny Testaverde started all sixteen games in the Ravens' first season. You win a prize, and that prize is you have no fucking life, loser.
Osweiler made a name for himself at Arizona State University, where he became known for having contracted every single sexually transmitted disease available on campus. He was able to collect them all because he is so tall they would all fit. In fact, there is a disease which is a mixture of herpes and the Hanta virus that he got from a particularly promiscuous co-ed; it was previously unknown and is now called "Osweiler A". Get your vaccines today if you're going to the game, we don't know if it's airborne.
As a quarterback at ASU, Osweiler was good-not-great but with all the physical tools needed to win some games in a conference that thinks defense is best left to the professionals. Osweiler has a cannon arm, but he sometimes made bad mistakes in college. By mistakes I mean he threw interceptions, not that he committed to Pitt and then transferred to Delaware. He has a leg up on Flacco in the Pitt department.
Let's fast forward a few years. Demaryius Thomas' contract takes up approximately 71% of the Denver payroll budget and the Broncos' defense is a shell of its former self. Von Miller has flown the coop. Demarcus Ware has died of consumption. Aqib Talib was lost fighting pirates off the Barbary Coast. Garrett Wolfe retired to run a dogsled team in Alaska. Peyton Manning has just come out with his fifty-third Nationwide commercial, which features him mainlining chicken parmesan directly into his femoral artery. CJ Anderson took a gig as Spinal Tap's drummer and spontaneously combusted. Brock Osweiler is there, throwing to somebody (probably Jerricho Cotchery) and getting sacked twelve times a game. Each time he falls, he makes a divot in the turf of Invesco Field and Bluecifer the Stallion of Hell kills a small child with its eye-beams.
This is your future, Denver Broncos. It is not your present, because currently you have constructed a fine team, but you have entrusted it to Gary Kubiak. Kubiak is an offensive genius, because he took Greg Olsen's playbook and added in dumpoffs to the fullback.
Kubiak is the man who took one look at Peyton Manning and said "You won a Super Bowl with your offensive system? Bullshit. Get rid of it. I'm going to install the one that made Andre Johnson so mad in one game he nearly punched Matt Schaub and quit on the team in the third quarter. But Peyton, this system is sure to get you knocked out of the playoffs in the first round so I'm sure you'll feel right at home."
John Elway has paid Peyton Manning eleventy billion dollars to lose in the playoffs to Joe Flacco and Russell Wilson. He will end up paying Brock Osweiler next to nothing to do the same thing, while paying Demaryius Thomas $TEXAS to run out of bounds before he catches a pass and then whine to the official.
Broncos fans, your best offensive player right now, this very second, is Emmanuel Sanders. Think about that. This Christmas season, Baby Jesus Sanders will bring you gold, frankincense and Murray, but he won't bring you a Super Bowl. The only man who did that, who could ever do that, was paying Peyton Manning fourteen quadrillion dollars to limp around on one foot and use his wet-noodle arm to throw passes to Charles Woodson.
Soon, your misbegotten franchise's decision to mortgage its future on a quarterback so old that he took his driver's test on a stegosaurus will come back to bite them. Soon, the number of Super Bowls your franchise has failed to reach with possibly the most talented team in the NFL will equal the number of Super Bowls John Elway personally got assblasted in as a starting quarterback. Soon, Derek Carr will be the best quarterback in the AFC and you will be scouring mock drafts on Walter Football for Brock Osweiler's replacement. You will start beginning every sentence with "We need to look at offensive line or defense in the first round, but..."
One day, John Elway will hobble up to the podium at a press conference with his walker and explain why he just fired Josh McDaniels for a fourth time. He will explain why he thinks Bobby Petrino can lead the Broncos back to the playoffs even though their first round pick was forfeited for repeatedly breaking the salary cap. He will plead with Broncos fans to come back to Invesco Field, even though Robo-Bluecifer incinerates anyone who gets within fifty yards of the stadium. And Darren McKee will listen to all this and opine on his radio show, "This would never happen to the Patriots, with a man like Robert Kraft running things. Let me tell you about the time Tom Brady won the 2016 Super Bowl throwing 45 passes to himself because all his receivers were injured..." and you will hear a thump in the background, because Al Wilson brought bleach with him to work that day.
But, today is not that day. Broncos win, 36-16."