Happy New Year, Raider fans! It is I, RaiderDamus, your hostest with the mostest. I come to you today elated off the facts that the Raiders defeated the churlish and unqualified Chargers on Christmas Eve and the Florida State Seminoles got utterly boatraced by the Houston Cougars in the in the Peach Bowl. Also, Raiderdamus received a ton of Raiders gear for Christmas, so now he is styling and profiling. Woo!
But now that is done and onto the next game, which will be against the inexplicably competent Kansas City Chiefs. I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his input on this matter, and he has so graciously responded yet again with his wit, pith and wisdom:
"Well well, it looks like I was right about the Chargers game! I am glad you all liked my little poem so much. Christmas is a magical time of year, and beating the Chargers is even more magical. I'm glad Santa gave each and every Charger fan a big lump of Raiders-shaped coal to go along with the huge turd the Spanos family is giving them by trying to move the team to a crappier city. Prospero anó y felicidad.
And now that we're done with the Chargers, we turn our attention to the Chefs. What can I say about the Chefs that I didn't say before the last Chefs game? I believe I thoroughly skewered them. Even so, here we are, the last week of the season, looking up at 8-8 while the Chiefs are looking toward a deep playoff run that obviously will not happen because they are the Chiefs. They could play the Browns in the first round this year and find a way to lose.
Since the Chiefs are impossible to care about due to being completely boring and nondescript, Chiefs fans care about three things:
1) KC Barbecue, also known as "burning your food".
2) Being louder than the Seahawks fans.
3) The Royals.
Your average Kansas City fan thinks he is different than your average St. Louis fan, but he is wrong about that. They are both terrible in their own ways. St. Louis Cardinal fans portray themselves as classy and above reproach, as if the Cardinals were God's Own Team, but they leave out the career of Enos Slaughter, who cleated Jackie Robinson because he was black, and the fact that Ozzie Smith once tried to bash Will Clark's head in on the field. Also, the Cardinals until recently employed noted asshat John Lackey, who divorced his wife while she was dying of cancer. Real nice team you got there. Kansas City is just as terrible, because it is located in Missouri. These are quite literally the same people. They all look like this:
This is the Official State Goatee of Missouri.
This man is likely a school principal.
Frankly, I am surprised Moose Man has not been shot in the stadium by someone wearing camo and an orange vest. He's got quite a rack.
Cardinals and Royals fans are so classless, Missouri should be a Marxist utopia. There is a reason that the Oregon Trail began in Independence, Missouri- not only do you get to move to Oregon or California, you get the added bonus of leaving Missouri at the same time. The only way it could have been better is if it went through Indiana and Ohio too.
It seems forever ago that the Chefs were 1-6, reeling over the loss of Jamaal Charles. Since then they have won like a billion straight games, leading us to two ineffable conclusions.
1) Jamaal Charles is overrated, and should be traded to Dallas in the offseason. Jerry Jones will probably give them two first rounders and some hot cage dancers.
2) Not having Jamaal Charles has actually made the Chiefs a better team, because their playbook does not consist of one page which says "GIVE THE BALL TO JAMAAL CHARLES" in 64-point font. Andy Reid's playbook is like playing the Raiders in the original Tecmo Bowl:
While the Chiefs' defense has been pretty good this year, they have had some injury issues and the team's turnaround has mostly been on the wet noodle arm of Alex Smith. Apparently for a VERY early Christmas present, someone gave him a Webster's Dictionary with the words "Wide" and "Receiver" highlighted. Now that Smith knows what those words mean, he can actually complete a pass to one. Jeremy Maclin isn't making way too much money so that he can be a decoy for a dumpoff in the flat to the backup fullback.
Kansas City, this is your last chance. Your defense is going to be poached in free agency this offseason, with two or three big stars probably going to the Raiders alone. Alex Smith is old and not very good, and figures to be even older next season. Maybe he can get Peyton Manning's doctor to help with that. In addition, you have a coach who took a team to the conference championship like twelve straight times and got to the Super Bowl once, and then lost there because his quarterback threw up. You cannot win; you will not win.
I will give this to the Chiefs fans- there were a lot of them talking shit after the terrible start to the season, saying things like "if we can win out, we can make the playoffs!" and screw me with a rusty cactus if they haven't gone out and done pretty much just that. The Chiefs did not give up at any point. They showed heart. They showed poise. They showed fire. They showed Andy Reid a picture of the buffet table the NFL caters for the first round of the playoffs.
But you will never win anything, Missouri, because you ruin what you have. God gave you a beautiful state full of natural wonder and wild game. You gave it methamphetamine. God gave you St. Louis. You gave it the St. Louis Police Department. God gave you the Mississippi River. You gave it a 200-foot tall half of the McDonald's logo. God gave you beer. You gave it Budweiser. You can all go to hell.
One might think that the Chiefs would be obvious candidates to win this game on Sunday, but remember that until quite recently (meaning: last year when the 0-10 Raiders beat the Chiefs at home) the away team has had a distinct advantage in the series. Here is my reaction to that game in Oakland last year:
and here is my reaction to Chiefs fans thinking they can win the Super Bowl- this year or any year.
Raiders win, 31-30."