Raiderdamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the pop to your tart, the butter to your potatoes, and the vodka to your tonic, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come before you today fresh off yet another completely accurate prediction of a Raiders victory. It's almost hard for me to handle all this winning. I'm not used to it. Watching the Raiders beat a division rival is like drinking a beer, eating a sandwich, and winning the lottery while you have a pretty girl in your lap. It's truly a glorious feeling. Reggie McKenzie and Jack Del Taco have made the Raiders great again, and there are no brakes on the Raiders train.

The following is a representation of how I, the Great Raiderdamus, feel about the Raiders being on top of the AFC West, not to mention the entire AFC:

The Great Beyond is on a roll this season, and I have once again consulted His Prescience to bring us word of what shall befall our beloved and heroic Oakland Raiders on Sunday. Prostrate yourselves and receive his message:

"Didn't I tell you before to stop doubting me? The Great Beyond knows all and sees all. I told you the Raiders could screw around and still win. I don't know what you call the first half of that game, but I call it screwing around. Anyway, I was right. So who you got this week? The Chiefs? Aww, hell. Two division games in a row. I think this is like the ninth time I have to make fun of these sniveling, rotten bastards.

The Chiefs themselves are too boring and painful to talk about, so I want to start with their fans. Kansas City is located in Missouri because people from the Midwest are functionally retarded, and is the home of methamphetamine, people who think they are Southern because the Missouri Tigers are in the SEC, and the biggest case of cultural appropriation seen this side of Tallahassee:

Judging by the fact that this photo appears to have been taken with a potato and by the terrible, outdated haircuts of the fans in attendance, I have reason to believe the gentleman in the Len Dawson jersey is in fact Len Dawson. Those of you who do not closely follow the Chefs may not know this, but Len Dawson is actually still alive, and if I were the Chiefs I would sign him immediately because he's still better than Alex Smith. I will get to Smith later, but for now I want to move on to the coach of the Chefs, Andy Reid.

Or is it?

The Great Beyond has some shocking revelations for you all. I believe I have uncovered the reason why Andy Reid sucks so much. The following evidence is incontrovertible, so do not even try to controvert it. Below is a picture of Andy Reid. You can tell it's him because of his trademark hat, trademark XXXXXL shirt and trademark corpulence.

But wait! What happens if we were to shave Reid's moustache and remove his hat? What if we were to take some of the fat from his moobs and move it down to, say, right above his dong?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Nancy Drew couldn't have done it better. Charlie Weis tried to pull a fast one and get paid by Notre Dame, Kansas, the Chiefs and Still The Chiefs at the same time. And he would have got away with it too, if not for that meddling Great Beyond and his dog, By-Tor.

However, times have been tough on Andy Reid. Here is a picture of Reid after the loss to the Steelers two weeks ago. Reid was so distraught that he ate the entire catering spread and the Craft Services guy.

The Chefs themselves were in no mood to try to cheer Reid up and get him out of his doldrums, but one man stepped up- general manager John Dorsey, who promised Reid that he would extend Alex Smith for three more seasons just to get Andy to stop using his shirt as a snot rag. Here is live footage obtained by the Great Beyond of Dorsey trying to lighten Reid's mood.

Reid, whose major accomplishment as a coach is ensuring that Brian Westbrook never ever ran the football in Philadelphia, loves Alex Smith like Rosie O'Donnell loves the Flowbee. Never mind that Alex Smith lost his job to Colin Kaepernick

who then lost his job to Blaine Gabbert, who then lost his job to Oscar Gamble.

Andy Reid don't think it be like it is, but it do.

But all is not lost for the Chefs. They still have dynamic multi-purpose running back Jamaal Charles, pictured below:

They will get Justin Houston back sometime in 2019, and Dee Ford has several sacks on the year which almost certainly justifies the Chiefs having selected him in the 2014 Draft before Derek Carr. The only question for Ford is will he make a Pro Bowl before Tamba Hali begins drawing Social Security?

Kansas City understands that the strength of their team is their defense, and that's by default. However, they took a page out of the Dean Spanos Manifesto on Screwing Over Top Players by jerking around Eric Berry for as long as they did. Eric Berry, however, owed the Chiefs for supporting and sticking by him during his brave battle with cancer. It's shameful that KC felt they could deal with him in this way, and furthermore if they think Marcus Peters will have the same loyalty when it comes time to pay him, they are crazier than a possum on bath salts.

As for this game, I really feel like the Raiders SHOULD win it. I won't be shocked if they do. But I still can't help but feel that this season has been held together with luck, duct tape and pixie dust and I feel like the Raiders' good fortune is due to run out, at least for one week. It's just a shame that this is Chiefs week, because they don't deserve nice things.

Chiefs win, 26-24.