Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the Sound and the Fury on Alpha Centauri, the baddest man in the world, and People Magazine's "World's Sexiest Hermit". I come to you today fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders loss. You all thought they would stomp the Chefs. You were wrong. As shitty as the Chefs are, they do well in Oakland. We'll see how they fare in whatever ridiculous Condiment Rush jerseys they wear later this year when the Raiders travel to K.C. for Thursday Night Football.
So now we are 4-2 before our big Florida trip. That's not a bad spot to be in. We have the Jaguars and the Bucs coming up. We can consider next week the 2002 revenge game, even if most of our players were in junior high for that particular Super Bowl. This week, we have the Jaguars.
In the interest of full disclosure, you all have to know that the Great Raiderdamus loves the Jaguars. I was a wee lad, living in County Duval, when the NFL awarded Jacksonville a franchise. I was so excited! I was going to get to see an NFL game! And then, mere months before the team began play, my family moved to Arizona. Thanks, Obama.
But the Jaguars are very close to the heart of the Great Raiderdamus. I have in my possession artifacts created with the Jaguars' original logo, before they changed it to the Down Syndrome cat head we all know today. It looked like this:
That is a badass logo, ladies and gentlemen. It was so slick that it caught the attention of the Jaguar Motor Company who claimed it ripped off their corporate logo, which it totally fucking did.
Nice try, Wayne Weaver. We see what you did there.
The Jaguars were warmly welcomed to the community, which is surprising because Florida loves one thing and one thing only, and that's college football. Our family had a friend whose mother was an old lady, whom we called Nana, who had been a lifelong Florida Gators fan. Every week she would ask in this sweet little old lady voice thick with Southern drawl, "Did the Gators weeeein?" and because Steve Spurrier was the coach of the team, the answer was almost always Yes.
One day my dad decided to mess with this sweet little old woman. The Gators had played some nobody school like Citadel or Bowling Green or LSU on that day, and Nana asked us, "Did the Gators weeeeeeyin?" and my dad said, "Oh, no. They lost 62-3." Nana nearly had a heart attack. It was the funniest shit you ever saw. To this day, every week during college football season, the Great Raiderdamus calls his parents to ask them, "Did the Gators weeeeein?" and then bitch about the Gators because they probably didn't win.
But you didn't come here this morning to hear me wax nostalgic about my childhood. You came here to receive the message from the Great Beyond. So without further ado, behold the Great Old One:
"You know, people should really listen to me. I told them all the Raiders were going to lose. They didn't believe it. Don't they know by now that I am always right? Foolish mortals. Bow to my wisdom.
So who you got this week? The Jaguars? Ahh man, listen. I know you lived there and you like this team, but you need to put on your big boy pants because I'm doing it raw dog today.
While the Jaguars have a long and not at all storied history of being anywhere from mediocre to abject failures, the most egregious part of their franchise is their crappy former mascot, seen here:
Okay first of all Jaguars, I see about twelve fans in that stadium. Whoever is in charge of public relations for your franchise shouldn't just be arrested, they should be hanged for treason. There is fuck-all to do in Jacksonville, so why can't you get football-rabid fans to come to a professional football game? This is a disgrace. I'm sure all twelve of those fans are here, right now, reading this and tugging on their neckbeards in anger. To them I say, go screw your My Little Pony dolls.
Secondly, you cannot just put a Clemson shirt on Chester Cheetah, stick him on a fucking Segway and call him Jaxson De Ville. That's the laziest thing I've ever seen, and the Raiders use their own damn fans as a mascot. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. I unfriend you.
The only good part of this picture is that Jaxson here is taking a cheap shot at the Steelers, so good on him for that.
I say "former" because Jaxson's penchant for running around in thongs and making offensive jokes
got his ass fired caused him to retire last year. The new mascot of the Jaguars is this man:
Also considered was the famed Florida Surrender Cobra.
To these I say, shame. Shame. There is only room for one true Mascot of Jacksonville, and it is FLORIDA MAN.
Florida Man is the world's greatest criminal mastermind. He regularly attempts stunts that are right out of a Raider fan's most delirious fever dream. Let's take a look at some more of Florida Man's exploits!
Oh, that Florida Man. He's always up to some wacky hijinks!
But seriously, folks. The reason Florida Man exists is because there isn't any sort of limit on what police will tell the media in Florida, and that's because the police don't give a single fuck anymore. They've dealt with Florida Man for years. Maybe a little public shaming will make him settle down with a nice girl and start a family. Or, then again, maybe he'll find a lady with blackened teeth who is an expert on lighting her farts.
This is the essence of Florida. This is Distilled South. They say the farther north in Florida you go, the more Southern you get. Well, Jacksonville is about as South as there is. It's the sort of place where the civic motto is "No Ragrets". It's pure magic.
Speaking of no ragrets, I wonder what the Jaguars front office feels about its recent top draft picks. Let's look at a few of the Jaguars' first-rounders lately:
Reggie Williams, who was terrible in every way
Matt Jones, who is famous for 1) not being a wide receiver and 2) passing out in his car after snorting cocaine
R. Jay Soward, who is famous for being such a drunkard that the Jags literally had to have a limousine drive him everywhere
Tyson Alualu, who is famous for being Not Tim Tebow
Blaine Gabbert, who recently lost his job to Oscar Gamble
Justin Blackmon, who went to the Johnny Manziel Academy for Being an Unreliable Drunk Bastard
Luke Joeckel, which is Dutch for "Robert Gallery"
Blake Bortles, who is famous for being neither Khalil Mack nor Derek Carr
Dante Fowler Jr., whose ACL was personally torn by God
and Jalen Ramsey, who went to Florida State, which gives me an excuse to use this picture:
This list is so bad, I'm pretty sure Al Davis was secretly running the Jaguars, and he might still be.
The fun part of going up against Jacksonville on Sunday is that we'll see another matchup between former Pete Carroll defensive assistants who have done nothing on their own. Gus Bradley is a former Seattle defensive coordinator who will never be fired because he's too nice, but he's never won anything in Jacksonville and they've had a horrible defense the entire time he's been their head coach. I'd love to know why people keep hiring coaches who were lucky enough to stand on the same sidelines as Pete Carroll and expect them to have the same level of success?
On Sunday the Raiders will have their hands full with the talented but erratic Blake Bortles. He's not that great himself, but he's a step up from Chad Henne and by God that's good enough for Jacksonville.
What Bortles does have outside of a ten-cent head is a pair of outstanding receivers, Allens Hurns and Robinson. Oakland had some trouble with Atlanta's receivers, and these two will be a challenge as well. The good part is that Jacksonville's defense is still ass even after spending a bajillion dollars on players. That sounds awfully familiar, where have I heard of another team like that?
In any case, we know the Raiders are unstoppable on the road and the Jaguars, despite their obvious talents, are a bottom-ten team who had to stage an epic comeback to beat the fucking Bears last week. Let's be real about this. The Raiders will be out for blood on Sunday. The Jaguars will be out to hold hands and teach their eleven fans in attendance the true meaning of friendship. It's magic.
Raiders win, 33-26."