RaiderDamus' Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chargers

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the pomp, the circumstance, the Macho Man, RaiderDamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today triumphant, as I correctly predicted a narrow Raiders victory on the road in Baltimore. Any day that Baltimore loses is a good day.

The Raiders are 3-1, 3-0 on the road, and start a long stretch of important games with the next two being within the division. This will be a perfect opportunity for the Raiders to lay claim to the AFC West, particularly if Denver were to slip up. Luckily for the Raiders, the defense is really beginning to gel as a complement to their already stellar offensive attack led by Derek Carr.

But I know why you're here, and it isn't to listen to me talk. You want to know what the Great Beyond has to say. Well, I know why I make the big bucks around here and it's because of the Big Guy in the Sky. So, without further ado, here is this week's message from the Great Beyond:

"You were nervous at the end of the last game, weren't you? I saw you there, knees shaking, cursing like a sailor, stomach weak, mom's spaghetti. You said you'd seen this movie before and you knew how it ended. Well dumbass, you didn't know how the movie ended, because it ended with the Silver and Black on top just like I damn well said it would.

So who have you got this week? The Chargers? Aww, fuck. You've started the divisional games. Only six more messages to go for the other three AFC West teams this year. Well, let's get to it.

On paper this looks like an even matchup. The Chargers are led on offense by their star wideout tandem of Keenan Allen and Stevie Johnson, and have a deep running back group full of noted Raider kryptonites Branden Oliver and Danny Woodhead. On defense they have a solid middle linebacker group in Manti Te'o and Denzel Perryman and a first-round defensive end from Ohio State, Joey Bosa. If that weren't bad enough for the Raiders, they also have a star-studded secondary featuring cornerbacks Jason Verrett and Brandon Flowers. So you can see that this will be a difficult game even at home for the Raiders and

****whisper whisper****

You're shitting me. What, ALL of them?

****whisper whisper****

Holy crap. Well they still have their defensive leader Eric Weddle, right?

****whisper whisper****

How are they going to field a team? They should just merge with the Browns like the Steelers and Eagles did during World War II when they became the Steagles. The new team could be called the Bongers, because that's what fans of both teams will have to do in order to get through a full game. Their mascot can be a giant anthropomorphic toilet named Ralph.

Seriously, the Chargers should just flush this roster and start again. A much better plan for them would be to have a squad made up of Philip Rivers and 51 of his largest children. At least then he'd have an offensive line who would protect him, because they don't want to be poor. Rivers' kids are far more disciplined than the Chargers too, because Rivers has trained them well and he uses a shrill whistle to summon them so they can sing good-night songs to dinner party guests.

Who do the Chargers still have? That crappy first-round running back, right? Melvin Gordon is Italian for "Ron Dayne". You can take that straight to the Rose Bowl.

It would be one thing if the Chargers had a coach at the helm who could navigate these troubled waters and maintain the respect of his team while fully employing the "next man up" philosophy inherent in the violent and injurious game of football. But the Chargers do not have that. They have Mike McCoy, pictured below.

The Chargers have been begging for a new stadium for some time now due to Qualcomm being a total nuclear shithole, but Southern Californians with other options on a Sunday afternoon who already pay unfathomably high taxes will never agree to pony up for a new stadium for them because the Chargers fucking suck. Lions fans got a new stadium because Ford paid a boatload for naming rights and the Lions paid for half of it. The Browns would pay for a new stadium in a heartbeat because they don't give a shit, as their spirits have long been broken by being Browns fans. Somebody is going to build the Raiders a new stadium somewhere, because they're badass and will be a Super Bowl contender soon.

But not the Chargers. They ain't getting shit. If they think they can jerk around Joey Bosa with his contract in a year they REALLY could have used his talent and then go begging the city for public funds, they got another thing coming and San Diego is well within its rights to tell them to go fuck themselves with a rake.

Things are so bad for San Diego that the greatest player in the history of their franchise publicly advocated they trade their Pro Bowl quarterback and burn the team to the ground and start over. I fully advocate this plan. Send Rivers to the Bears. Get him out of the division. He's too damn good. He doesn't deserve the septic cesspit of talent that putrid organization has put around him for the last decade. San Diego's front office has no idea what it's doing, and if they did trade Rivers they'd probably settle for a sixth-round pick and a case of Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator.

It's got what plants crave.

To give you an idea of how utterly fucked the Chargers are, here's what Philip Rivers will be looking at on Sunday at o.co Coliseum.

And here's what he'll be looking at in a few weeks when the Raiders visit Qualcomm.

You're screwed, Phil. You have no escape, you have no recourse. Your fans are this dude here and his mom or something.

This guy looks like Spongebob ate half a watermelon. Is this the sort of people you are counting on to give you a billion dollars, Dean Spanos, you miserable slumlord piece of shit? You have no concept of investing in your team. You hire awful coaches, awful strength and conditioning specialists, and draft awful players. When you do finally draft a good one, you refuse to pay him. Even LaDainian Tomlinson won't stand by and watch your bumbling ass in silence now that you're no longer cutting his checks.

This would NEVER happen to the Raiders. It would be like Charles Woodson saying on TV that Mark Davis is an idiot and needs to trade Khalil Mack and sell the team. The Raiders are loyal, the Raiders are family. The Chargers aren't even good enough to be mercenaries.

The Raiders can technically screw around and still win. Rivers doesn't have any weapons. However, if Oakland is laser-focused and the defense continues its improvement, the Raiders will massacre the Bolts in this game. San Diego has nobody that can cover Michael Crabtree, let alone Amari Cooper. Expect a full-fledged assblasting by Jack Del Rio's squad of the hapless Chargers on Sunday.

Raiders win, 42-29."