Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, el jefe, el sabio, el ermitaño, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Not only did we have all get a nice week off from all the stress. but it's clear now that Oakland is a serious playoff contender and has a real chance to go the distance this season. 5-0 on the road and a dominant victory over the defending Super Bowl champs will always get people talking.
So now it's on to our neutral-site "home" game of the season, a game I think we're all really excited about, Raiders vs. Texans at Azteca Stadium in Mexico City. Azteca is nearly 8,000 feet in altitude and will be a serious challenge for both teams, which play football at sea level as God intended.
After the last game I was very excited to talk to the Great Beyond about his thoughts on the upcoming game south of the border, but out of respect I waited until this week. Here is the message I received:
"Welcome, welcome. It's been a while. I was glad to see the Raiders defy my wisdom and blow the Broncos the hell out on national television. Couldn't have done it to a better team. Oakland looks pretty strong now. I wonder if they can keep it up? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know the answer to that question.
So who you got this week? The Texans? And where, you say? Mexico City? They might as well play on the damn moon. That's going to be brutal. But before I begin my customary practice of verbally ripping the opposing team to shreds, I want to focus on their city.
The city of Houston, which I make fun of regularly, is as beautiful as Susan Boyle and has all the charm of a dog turd in the rain. It's a city that for the longest time has wanted to be a big boy, growing up in the shadow of its classier cousin cities Dallas, San Antonio and Austin. Houston wanted to be a major city so badly that it did everything possible to become one. It turned into America's Beijing.
There are apparently buildings in Houston, although nobody has ever seen them, because trying to find a tall building in Houston is like trying to find a solid log in a toilet bowl full of diarrhea. The experiences smell equally as pleasant.
As a result of playing in an uninhabitable city, the Houston Texans play in a stadium with a retractable roof. The building is the best thing about the team. The worst thing about the Texans is their name. What team of marketing geniuses came up with that? Probably the same people who came up with the Washington Nationals, whom I desperately hope move one day to the American League so they can experience maximum awkwardness. Here's how I imagine that meeting went:
Overpaid Merketing Bozo #1: Well, the Oilers left town because we wouldn't build Bud Adams a stadium, so we're getting an expansion team. How about we build a brand new stadium for a racist piece of shit like Bob McNair?
Overpaid Marketing Bozo #2: That's a great idea! What should we call the new football team?
Bozo #1: Hey, remember what the Chiefs were called 40 years ago?
Bozo #2: Oh, that's right! And for the logo, we can make it a bull's head, but we have to make its eye a little star so we don't look like we're ripping off the Texas Longhorns. That would be wrong. Texans just hate having their egos pandered to.
Yeah, it probably went a lot like that. Seriously, how much more derivative can the Houston Texans be? They basically wear the flag of Texas as their uniform, their helmets are just blue University of Texas helmets and their name is literally the TEXANS. That would be like if the Raiders were the Oakland Californians. That's a stupid name and so is Texans. They might as well call themselves the America Unclesams.
Another obnoxious thing about the Texans is J.J. Watt. Now, here is a man who is legitimately one of the only guys who can be in the discussion for Best Defensive Player in the NFL (Houston decided not to draft one of the others). However, Watt has gone full retard and become a caricature of himself. Behold the logo of the "JJ Watt brand".
What the shit is this? JJ, you are not Michael Jordan. You do not get a "brand". You do not get a logo. J. J. Watt is so far up his own ass he can smell whatever low-carb bullshit he had for breakfast last week. Watt is what would happen if the Incredible Hulk dressed up as Thor for Halloween.
This is from a commercial which is nothing but thirty seconds of J.J. Watt in a forest chopping wood. I don't remember what product he's trying to shill for, or why he's in a forest in full football uniform as if Andrew Luck was going to roll out of the pocket in between some Douglas firs. I guess chopping wood is a metaphor for perseverance, which is what they call it when white people don't give up. J.J. Watt is not special, he is not an icon. He just happens to play football in Texas- which, you may recall, is the state that went out of its way to hype Jay Ratliff into looking like a Pro Bowler. J.J. Watt wears an arm brace that would make Barry Bonds blush.
And now Watt is hurt and out for the season.
Houston sure could use another excellent defender right now, perhaps one that was available in the 2014 Draft. Unfortunately, instead of an excellent defender they took Jadeveon Clowney.
I kid, of course. Clowney is actually developing into a fine defensive player. He will be very good. But he is not, and never will be, Khalil Mack. This sort of gaffe is par for the course with Houston, which has literally never drafted and developed a star quarterback, and has drafted exactly four good players in its entire existence: Andre Johnson, J.J. Watt, Brian Cushing, and DeAndre Hopkins. That's it. That's the list. Arian Foster was very good in his day, but he was an undrafted free agent. Rick Smith is such a shitty GM the Texans signed him to a four-year extension. Houston is fully on board with the Detroit Lions Road Map for Victory.
When the Raiders played the Ravens last year, I listed every quarterback who had ever started for the Ravens as a fun exercise. By the time I was done, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like writing about an orphan and listing how each of their family members died. But I've had time to recharge my schadenfreude batteries, so here's the list for the Texans!
Wow. That's the sort of list where, if you're with a young lady and you want to last longer in bed, you think about these players. Don't think about grandma and baseball. Think about Sage Rosenfels and Matt Leinart playing for the Texans.
But wait, there's more! Here's the list of every quarterback ever drafted by Houston!
That's it! That's the entire list. Do you see a good player on there? I sure as hell don't. Ask yourself this, Texans. Do you want T.J. Yates starting a playoff game? Because this is how you get T.J. Yates starting a playoff game. You have nobody but yourself to thank for that. You could have had literally any quarterback drafted in the last ten years. You could have had Andy Dalton. You could have had Ben Roethlisberger. You could have had Russell Wilson. You could have had Derek Carr. You could have had Aaron Rodgers. The list goes on and on. But you don't have any of those guys. Here is what you do have:
You paid $75M or something for a guy who is so tall that his name is literally a unit of measurement (Derek Carr is 0.9493 Osweilers tall) and so devoid of talent that he could not beat out the shambling corpse of Peyton Manning for playing time last season. And even so, he is the best quarterback you have ever had. Matt Schaub was fine, but was really hyped up because he was throwing to Andre Johnson, may he live forever. Matt Schaub is literally the Matt Schaub of football.
You have paid out the nose for a man who is so traumatized by Khalil Mack that he needs a therapy dog any time he hears The Autumn Wind. Let's listen to it now!
There is a 47.6% chance Brock Osweiler will shit his pants on the field at Azteca Stadium on Monday night. Luckily for him, that $75 million will buy plenty of new underwear.
Here is how the Raiders will walk into Azteca Stadium on Monday night:
And this is how they're going to walk out:
Houston Texans, you've got no chance in hell.
Raiders win, 30-16.