Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the joker, the smoker, and the midnight toker, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you yet again fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders victory, and one that got Oakland into the playoffs for the first time in well over a decade. It's a good day to be a Raider.
But on to the next one, and it's an important one against a team that thinks it's good but really isn't, sort of like the Broncos. So as is my custom, I've yet again consulted with the Great Beyond as to his wisdom regarding this game. Here is the message I received.
"Well well well. The Raiders are in the playoffs, and they beat the Chargers just like I said they would. Was there ever any doubt? In fact, the atmosphere was so electric in San Diego that a security guard got fired and arrested for doing a truly unmentionable thing in front of the fans and cheerleaders. He clearly couldn't help himself.
But now that a playoff berth is out of the way, it's time to secure the division title. Who you got this week? The Colts? Heh heh, alright. It's time for the Great Beyond's Wild Ride.
A true Raiders fan cannot think about the Colts without cursing them to their very bones for being the foundation of the success of the Denver Broncos, our ancient enemy. Youngins might not remember this, but John Elway was drafted by the Baltimore Colts in the before-time, and was subsequently traded to Denver because Pete Rozelle hated Al Davis. Elway proceeded to become one of the greatest players in NFL history and play in five Super Bowls, two of which he won.
Many years later, noted shithead Elway became the general manager of the Broncos, and instead of running the team into the ground as we all hoped, turned it into a Super Bowl contender with the addition of former Colt Peyton Manning. Colts fans couldn't let go of their former hero, and like the sniveling rat bastards they are, split their alliances. Behold:
I am in favor of a constitutional amendment saying that anyone caught wearing or purchasing a jersey like this should be executed by firing squad. This is an abomination, and must not be tolerated. This would be like wearing a split Broncos/Raiders Lyle Alzado jersey. If anyone were to create such a thing, Alzado would come back from the dead and shoot them in the face.
The Broncos currently don't have a quarterback worth a shit. That's okay, because the Colts are currently getting theirs killed and will probably trade him to Denver in a few years. I speak, of course, of Elway's spiritual successor, fellow former Stanford quarterback and "best thing since sliced bread", Andrew Luck, pictured here:
Andrew Luck has a voice like Tom Waits gargling broken glass and is clearly the missing link between Homo Sapiens and Kennewick Man. Still, despite not being fully human, he is an incredible quarterback. However, the Colts still suck. They are like the Saints in that regard. They value their quarterback so highly, they want to give him all the money, and don't have any left over for the rest of the team. So Andrew Luck's problems are twofold.
1) He makes too much money.
2) He does not have a functioning offensive line or a defense.
Problem one is not entirely responsible for Problem 2. The problem itself is Colts GM Ryan Grigson, who looks like he should be running a paintball arena instead of an NFL team. Just look at this douchebag:
That is the sleaziest pinstripe suit I have ever seen, and the "Fuck you I'm important" sunglasses belong on a high-end car salesman. This is the look of the sort of dill-hole that is proud to have met his sales quota three months in a row so he can catch up on his unpaid child support and still buy his stripper girlfriend a new tattoo.
Might I remind you that Ryan Grigson has recently done the following:
1) Paid Andrew Luck an ungodly sum of money to die on the field.
2) Whined and complained that because he paid Andrew Luck so much money, there's not enough to build a good team around Andrew Luck.
Well whose fault is that, you dumbass? You did this to yourself. If you didn't want to have a good quarterback, you should have taken Robert Griffin III instead. Then you could be the Browns. They have plenty of money, but nobody wants to take it.
The Raiders are going to pay Derek Carr a large sum of money as well, there is no doubt about that. But the Raiders have invested in many defensive pieces and the best offensive line in the AFC. Derek Carr would probably play for one million a year so long as he could play the game he loves and never get sniffed by a defensive lineman.
Andrew Luck's defense consists of eleven tackling dummies with cerebral palsy and his offensive line hampers defenses no more than a spider web hampers someone crawling through an attic. He already missed most of last year with a broken rib that literally punctured his lung. Grigson's senseless bitching about not being able to protect Luck is about the most insulting thing I can imagine, and if I were Luck I'd demand a trade. He's being paid $140 million to stand in front of a cannon and not flinch.
And he's doing it for a team that thinks this was a good idea:
Sure, morons, just hang a banner that says "We Play in The AFC South". It will mean the same thing.
Do you know why Andrew Luck was thought so highly of at Stanford? It's because head coach Jim Harbaugh ran the ball a lot, and he ran it effectively. Stanford would run 45 times a game and maybe throw 18 or 20 times. Luck only had to complete about 15 passes per game to be considered very good, and he was able to do that. The Colts, though...
Well, this is the team that literally traded a first-round pick for Trent Richardson. Their current running back is Frank Gore, who is still good despite being so old that he was personally granted his freedom by Abraham Lincoln.
And what about the coach, beloved greasy-haired cancer survivor Chuck Pagano? People think he's so great, but they forget that he actually called for this play to be run:
This play is called "Griff Whalen Slept With My Wife Spider 2 Y Banana".
Just look at Chuck Pagano. This man looks like he is made of Indiana.
If you get close to Chuck Pagano, you will catch a faint whiff of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing, which in Indiana is not so much a food as it is a way of life. It is a utilitarian substance, used as a lubricant, a cologne, and a way to make household pets take their medicine. Chuck Pagano looks like he was shit out by Purdue.
And when Chuck Pagano is done with Andrew Luck, the star quarterback will remind everyone of a very specific part of Indiana- Gary, pictured below.
Wait, that's not Gary. I can see a bicycle on that picture. It surely would have been stolen in Gary.
A lot of people like to make fun of the Colts for moving away from Baltimore, but not Raiders fans. The Raiders have moved before and they'll move again, most likely. But at least the Raiders are going to tell us when they do. Here's how much warning the good people of Baltimore were given when the Colts left town:
They basically said, "BYE FELICIA" and left. Not that I blame them. The number of Ray Rice jerseys still in circulation are enough to convince me that the Colts made the correct decision here.
One day, possibly soon, the Associated Press is going to issue a press release. It will be from the late Robert Irsay, and he will announce that he has acquired Hell from Satan, who is the Devil, for an undisclosed amount of money. As Irsay finds Hell's accommodations too small and cramped, he will be relocating Hell to its new home in South Bend, Indiana.
And nothing whatsoever about South Bend will change.
Raiders win, 27-23."