clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Notorious belly-flopping buffoon Tony Siragusa sacked by Fox

New, comments

Our long national nightmare is over. The S.S. Siragusa will no longer be roaming the sidelines of football games in the fall, polluting our airwaves with what he considers 'analysis'.

Michael Loccisano/Getty Images

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, Raiderdamus, and I have emerged from my cave of solitude early this year because I learned, much to my eternal delight, that noted glutton and all-around miscreant Tony Siragusa is no longer employed by Fox Sports.

Many of us here saw less of Siragusa than others, because FOX covers primarily NFC games and the Raiders are usually on CBS. However, won't somebody think of the poor Falcons or Rams fans who have had to put up with him for the last decade?

While Siragusa had a long and distinguished career with the Colts and Ravens, wherein he was a major part of the finest defense I have personally ever seen, he will be remembered and despised by Raider fans for a merciless and unnecessary belly flop on Rich Gannon that caused serious injury.

Siragusa, of course, denies trying to hurt Gannon, but this image shows Siragusa in a different light.

According to Siragusa's own words, his ambition on the football field was to kill someone, which he very nearly did to Gannon. As we all know from our dealings with Steeler fans, Pittsburgh is the perfect place to learn how to seamlessly combine senseless brutality with an appalling lack of respect for your fellow man. I follow this statement up with an obligatory:

After his football career mercifully came to an end, Siragusa was inexplicably hired by Fox Sports as something called a "roving sideline analyst" which is French for "someone who waddles around the sideline of a football game, mumbles incoherently and annoys the entire country".

The only explanation I can offer for Siragusa's employment is that, at the time of his hire, The Sopranos was an extremely popular television show and Fox wanted someone whose murderous intent, disgusting corpulence and being an embarrassment to his Italian ancestors would remind fans of various characters on the show.

Not content with merely being an utter piece of shit on the field, Siragusa elected to continue his shittiness on into his new position with Fox. He showed us all the value of a Pitt education with the following sharp bit of analysis during what one can assume was a meaningless Bears game:

"Talked to coach Marc Trestman a … about, you know, about he said to me I said you know this first half was pretty crazy, outrageous, he said as crazy and outrageous as it was, we’re only down seven points."

Well said, Tony! Anyone with a smartphone, or perhaps a functioning set of eyes, could see that the Bears were down seven points. Leave it to you to remind us that, despite the excitement of the game, the viewers were still watching a Bears game and probably had better things to do with their time, such as melt snow and then turn it back into ice cubes.

The 'Goose' eventually parlayed his dumpster fire of a TV career into being the pitchman for Depends for Men undergarments, which is appropriate because what comes out of Siragusa's mouth and what comes out of his ass are pretty much identical. I'm not making light of men with bowel issues here. I'm just saying that one of the most horrifying images in Western civilization's history is that of Tony Siragusa pissing himself with a faint, satisfied smile on his face like a second-grader in a public pool.

What's puzzling isn't that Siragusa is fired, it's that it took this long to do it. Did Fox just hire a new executive who watched an Eagles-Saints game from the last eight years and said, "Well screw this guy!"? Did Siragusa open his mouth and spew his particular brand of verbal diarrhea at the wrong person? Did Siragusa in fact resign from Fox, as being seen at a football game in a Wal-Mart scooter for diabetics would be too embarrassing for him?

The world may never know, but what we do know is that he won't be on Fox anymore. That's the good news. The bad news is that Fox's general incompetence leads me to believe they will hire someone even worse to replace him. Maybe we'll all long for the good old days of Goose when Rosie O'Donnell shows up on our TV, mistaking Tom Brady for Tom Cruise.

America 1, Tony Siragusa 0.