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Former Raider DT Warren Sapp bitten by shark

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I am not making this up.

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

In a bizarre case of what can only be called cosmic justice, Hall of Famer and former Raider DT Warren Sapp was attacked by a shark today while lobstering off the coast of Florida.

This is not, as I initially expected, a case of the shark mistaking Sapp for a manatee or a whale. Rather, this was a case of Warren Sapp cruelly trying to steal the lunch of a hungry and desperate nurse shark- they often hang around lobster cages because lobster is a favorite meal of nurse sharks. Frankly, insensitive acts like this are par for the course in the trail of devastation left by Sapp.

The shark allegedly bit Sapp and immediately spit him out, as pieces of crap are not included in the diet of a four-foot long nurse shark. There is as of yet no word on if the shark was in fact a hitman hired by either the Davis Family, the Black Hole fan club or one of any number of prostitutes abused in the past by Warren Sapp.

As all of the six people who still care about Warren Sapp know, his social media is full of pictures and videos of him fishing and being out at sea on a regular basis. However, if Sapp decides to go out on the water again, we here at Silver & Black Pride have some friendly advice for him.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has already issued a four-game suspension to the shark for violating the league's personal conduct policy.