Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who's playing chess when everyone else is playing checkers, the man who makes the sharps of Las Vegas look like an octopus picking soccer games at the World Cup, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off a correct prediction of a Raider victory, and in fact accurately predicted the Raiders would score exactly 35 points.
Before I reveal the communication I received from the Great Beyond, Raiderdamus has to handle some business. You see folks, our own Fearless Leader Levi Damien was the recipient of a lovely bit of fan mail from a reader, and I'd just like to respond right here since I feel this level of misguided idiocy deserves a place in the sun:
Just received easily my favorite email ever. It's in response to @RaiderDamus weekly satire Friday Foretelling piece pic.twitter.com/lZDmj5mSZG— Levi Damien (@LeviDamien) September 11, 2016
Dear Mr. Zizzo,
The Great Raiderdamus
Now onto the main event. As I do each and every week for you fine people, I contacted the Great Beyond to ask him his thoughts about the Falcons @ Raiders on Sunday afternoon. Hearken your ears and your hearts to his words.
"You're back! I know you got nervous about that Saints game, didn't you? It looked a bit dicey there for a while, but after all this time you just gotta have faith. So who you got this week? The Falcons? Oh, sit down son.
Atlanta is of course named after the ancient and mythical land of Atlantis, and much like Atlantis, Atlanta was destroyed by a calamity. While Atlantis, if it ever existed, was likely sunk by a volcanic event and subsequent flooding, Atlanta's calamity was known as William Tecumseh Sherman.
Sherman has the look of a man for whom leveling Atlanta carried no more depth of emotion than taking his morning piss, and if he were alive today he would probably be a high school football coach running the single wing because the forward pass is for pussies.
Unfortunately, Atlanta was rebuilt after the Civil War, much like Carthage was rebuilt after the Second Punic War. Today one of these cities is a vibrant center of art and culture with a thriving and diverse population that has much to offer the world. The other city is Atlanta.
Today Atlanta has turned its overt racism into something far more sinister and systemic. It has dubbed itself "The City Too Busy to Hate", which is true unless you're gay or want to take public transportation, or a gay light rail enthusiast. Atlanta is aware of the existence of buses no more than it is aware of snowplows.
In the Falcons' defense, while the Braves and Hawks are doing everything in their power to make sure their fanbase is as white as possible, the Falcons are at the very least building their Robotic Butthole Stadium in Atlanta itself.
The new stadium design is certainly evocative, and brings to mind all the backfield penetration the Falcons have allowed over the years.
However, in classic Georgia fashion, for every step towards equality the Falcons take they also take two steps back. You see, in order to build the new Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, two historic churches will be bulldozed to the ground including the oldest black church in the entire country, Friendship Baptist. Grape job, Falcons. Of course, this will have no bearing on the spiritual state of the city because God abandoned Atlanta for good on December 21, 1864.
As far as the Falcons themselves, they are as nondescript and generic a team as you could possibly imagine, and have had exactly three great players in their history: Deion Sanders, who is the second greatest athlete to ever live; Julio Jones, who will give Sean Smith indigestion all week, and
IN THE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMS OF AN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL
Mr. Ron Mexico himself, who did for human-canine relations what the Rape of Nanking did for Sino-Japanese relations. One of the reasons Michael Vick was so exciting is that he had to be- the Falcons didn't have a defense before him, didn't have one with him, and still don't have one.
Luckily, the Great Beyond is able to reveal to you all today the very reason for the Falcons' defensive deficiencies: namely, that the defenders are unable to get good footing in the Georgia Dome turf. Why, you ask? Let us remember the words of noted poet, artist and Atlanta citizen Ludacris.
I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome on the fifty yard line
While the Dirty Birds kick for t'ree
And if you like in the club we can do it
In the DJ booth or in the back of the V.I.P.
It's very simple, folks. The reason the Falcons slip and slide on the Georgia Dome turf is that Ludacris has been there. I am led to understand he has hoes in numerous area codes.
Upon the incarceration of Michael Vick, the Falcons drafted a new quarterback, Matt Ryan from Boston College. Ryan used to be known as "Matty Ice", but that was when he was good. Now he's just known as "Natty Light". When I think of Matt Ryan, this is the image that comes to mind.
This guy is a lot like how I imagine Matt Ryan. He looks tough and imposing, but you know he's probably really ticklish and has some severe performance issues. I'm certain he owns a truck with exceptionally large tires.
That's all I can say about Matt Ryan, because I know nothing about him and I don't even think he has a personality. He's like Emmet from the Lego Movie prior to going on an adventure. He won't screw up, but he's just kinda... there.
Now let me turn my attention to Falcons owner Arthur Blank. He is the founder of The Home Depot and is heavily involved in philanthropy, and by all accounts is a good man. So let me put on my blue collar and just tell some jokes at his expense.
"If your team's owner looks like Rhett Butler on quaaludes, you might be a Falcons fan."
"If your team's owner looks like he would have owned all his own team's fans 200 years ago, you might be a Falcons fan."
"If your team's owner still hasn't fired Kyle Shanahan and Thomas Dimitroff because he can't find the aisle they work in, you might be a Falcons fan."
The Raiders will be playing the Falcons in beautiful Oakland, California. They will be able to look upon the sea, and with each drive they will march right to it and set the Falcons' defense ablaze.
I would much prefer the Raiders played the Falcons in a CAGE MATCH AT THE OMNI so we could put hard times on the Falcons and their fans, daddeh.
Lemme tellyoo somepin Enneffayull, you put hard times on da Raidahs and dat Raidah Nation daddeh. Whenna da Raidahs doan make da playoffs for foteen yeahs, dass hahd times! When Rich Gannon works fo a decaid to reach da pinnacal of his profeshun, and dennee giss squashed by a fat guy inna bird costume, dass hahd times! When the man himself mista Al Davis finally gives up the ghost God ressis so, they say Hue Jackson done took yo job. Dass hahd times! And so da Raidahs gone take der revenge, daddeh, anna it starss dis week witda Lanna Falkins. Anna in da enn, da Oakland Raidahs gon take dere playce at da top of da mountin, as da Soopah Bo Champyins daddeh. Ah love you all!
Raiders win, 30-23.