Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, your hero, your paragon of virtue, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today ashamed of the Great Beyond's lack of faith in the Raiders, as the Great Old One did not believe they would deliver unto the Titans the ass-whipping that I personally witnessed. Of course, the Great Beyond would much rather be wrong about a Raiders victory than correct and validated after a Raiders loss. So onward and upward we go, to the place where civility and good sense go to die...
So like I do every week, I summoned the Great Beyond to ask him his thoughts on the game against the Ravens. Here is what was communicated to me:
"Was that hot enough for you? I understand it got a bit toasty at Nissan Stadium last week. I smell something burning and I bet it's you. So who you got this week? The Ravens? Are you serious? You just played them last year. I see a pattern here. I gotta make fun of these shitbirds again? Alright, fine. Lock and load.
The raven is, as you well know, a bird closely associated with sorcery and spellcraft. This does not apply to Baltimore because sorcery requires being able to read a spell-book, and the next time a Ravens fan reads a book will be the first. This is especially ironic because the Baltimore Ravens are the only NFL team named after a poem written by a severe alcoholic- this, at least, Baltimore can identify with.
The real tragedy of the Ravens is not that they stole the Browns, because who cares, or that they built a statue of Ray Lewis, who despite his failings is the most moral man who ever lived in the city of Baltimore. The issue with the Ravens is that they have some really terrible seasons where you think, finally this team is getting its comeuppance, finally they are as shitty as they deserve to be! and then they win like eleven games and make the playoffs.
The Ravens have had something like three below-average seasons in their history and made the playoffs in the season following each of them. How is this just? How is this right? In what balanced and loving universe is it okay for the Lions to be terrible for decades on end but the Ravens can't spend two straight years in the shitter? The Lions never hurt anyone, unless you count Barry Sanders and their own fans. The Ravens hurt plenty of people, such as the entire population of Cleveland, Ray Rice's wife, and the two men Ray Lewis killed, Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar.
if there is a just and loving God, the Baltimore Ravens players will all catch Legionnaire's Disease and the city of Baltimore will slide into the sea. This plague-doctor looking motherfucker pictured here, "Poe" the Ravens' mascot, will sink to the bottom of Chesapeake Bay to be eaten by crabs until the end of time, Amen.
But we must steel ourselves for what we know is about to come, which is yet another ten-win season by a Ravens team which will bore and bumble its way through each game as the opposing team trips on their own dicks. There is for the time being no way around this, as the Ravens are led by a veteran cast of characters who will simply not allow them to be terrible for very long. Let's take a look at some of them.
First and foremost, there's the quarterback, who is most famous for winning a Super Bowl due to Colin Kaepernick not being able to throw a fade route: Joe Flacco, pictured here staring at his offensive line after they allowed three free rushers on a blitz.
Also on the team, returning from injury, is the great Steve Smith Sr. We can assume that Steve Smith XII has already been born.
The defense is still led by one of the NFL's all-time best outside linebackers, Terrell Suggs.
Returning to the team at long last is first-round receiver, Breshad Perriman.
Leading the team from the sidelines is head coach John "Not That" Harbaugh.
Of course, still very much in the hearts of Ravens fans is their former running back whom many of them would love to have return to the team, Ray Rice.
As far as this week goes, the Ravens will be welcoming a Raider team flying high after a solid win against the Titans- a game that, while the final score was relatively close, the Raiders truly dominated for the duration of the contest. Oakland has already won two road games this year and will be going strong after their third. The Ravens have had some offensive line issues, and drafted Ronnie Stanley in the first round to be their left tackle of the future to go along with all-world guard Marshal Yanda.
Stanley, however, isn't feeling too well at the moment, so it's great that the Ravens have a veteran like Eugene Monroe on the squad. Wait, what? They cut him weeks ago? Oh, wow. Just when I think the Ravens have some sort of devil magic keeping them afloat at all times, they go and do something like this. Their backup left tackle appears to be something called a James Hurst, which is German for "tomato can". Maybe Khalil Mack will actually get a sack this week.
The Ravens have so far feasted on the dregs of the league, and are 3-0 against three of the worst teams in the NFL in the Browns, Bills and Jaguars. Not that the Raiders have beaten two stellar teams in the Saints and Titans, but the Raiders are on a very different level than the Ravens' opponents so far and frankly that swings both ways as the Ravens are also the best team the Raiders will have faced. This will be a tough, physical game. It could go either way.
The Ravens do have something of a solid home-field advantage because while Raider fans dress up as serial killers, crazy clowns, demons from Hell and mental patients, Ravens fans actually are all of those things in real life. They will surely provide their favored team with a loud and vocal boost until they pass out in a pool of a vomit-like substance which is 90% Natty Boh beer and 10% blue crab.
Baltimore is a cesspit of filth and criminality that makes the East Bay look like Monte Carlo, and the Raiders would do well not to stay there any longer than is necessary. I predict they will leave with their lives and with a record of 3-1.
Raiders win, 27-24.