Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who can get to work on time 'cause he's got nothing better to do, the man who supports your system and goes to court when he has to, and the man who is kind, just not your kind, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.
So this is what it feels like to be in the playoffs. This anxiety, this impending feeling of dread, this sense that in a month football will be all over until next fall. It's been a long time since any of us felt this way, with our team one of the twelve remaining with a chance to win it all.
The Raiders have had a real rough few weeks. Losing their first-string quarterback, then the second-string quarterback. We might as well rename the team the Oakland Murphys because anything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. Can the Raiders advance at all in the playoffs? I don't know, but there's somebody who does. Kick back and listen to the quiet storm of the Great Beyond:
"It's funny to me that after the last game, Broncos fans want to come around and start talking shit. They act as if their team made the playoffs and the Raiders didn't. Well guess what, dweebs. The Raiders are playing this week in Houston, and the only thing Denver is playing with is their anime girlfriend body pillows and their My Little Pony figurines.
So shut the fuck up and get used to being on the bottom of the AFC West looking up at the greatness of the Raiders. Which, as we all know, is in the future. Denver's greatness is firmly in the past.
Which brings me to this week's opponent, the Houston Texans. They have never had any sort of greatness to speak of. Their one accomplishment was beating the Bengals in the playoffs once, and it doesn't even count because it was the first round. The Washington Generals could beat the Bengals in the first round. Get a life.
Reports surfaced this week that there's some kind of rift between Texans GM Rick Smith and head coach Bill O'Brien, because Smith forced Brock Osweiler on ol' BOB without even consulting him. BOB doesn't care for Brock Lobster, because he has a functioning pair of eyes. You might say they are "special eyes".
I'm on BOB's side here, because Rick Smith is a well-known dipshit. When BOB was hired, the Texans could have kept defensive coordinator Wade Phillips on staff, but they canned him in order to bring in Romeo Crennel. Now, I've given Wade a hard time a lot over the years, but Phillips has now won a Super Bowl, which is one more than Wade's father ever won, and one more than Rick fucking Smith.
Rick Smith also drafted Jadeveon Clowney over Khalil Mack, and Xavier Sua-Filo over Derek Carr in the span of 24 hours. We can do nothing in the face of this fact, than kneel before Smith and thank him for his outrageous asshattery.
But when Rick Smith and BOB come together and collude, then comes the real incompetence. Smith drafted Will Fuller in the first round after signing Osweiler. Fuller is an excellent deep threat, but runs terrible routes. He's great for going long and stretching defenses. That's about it. Guess what sort of plays the Texans never run? Osweiler goes short more often than a dwarf fetishist.
The world breathed a sigh of relief when Osweiler was finally benched and Tom "Macho Man" Savage was installed as the team's starter. After all, Savage is the cream of the crop, and nobody does it better.
But then, because nobody in Houston can have nice things, Savage got hurt and the Texans will be starting Brock Osweiler against the Raiders, because that worked so well the first time. Here's a look at the people of Houston's reaction to this news:
The Texans, though, did something the Raiders were unable to do. They won their division. However, winning the AFC South and hanging up an "AFC South Champion" banner is sort of like showing off the antlers you got from the animal you killed in the Forest of Suicidal Deer. It's more something that happens to you, rather than something you did. The Raiders went 4-0 in the AFC South this season.
Whats remarkable is that they did all this without J.J. Watt. They might have won, like, one more game with Watt in the lineup this year. Watt is a sort of white folk hero, much like Brock Lesnar, who is beloved by everyone until they pop positive for a super-steroid that is very likely to get them pregnant and has a street name that's something like "Chunk" or "Slab". Watt's charm is based on the fact that he presents himself as an everyman, which he is most certainly not. J.J. Watt is the white Bruce Smith. He is 70% rhinoceros. He's what would have happened if Lyle Alzado had Twitter.
The Texans are lucky this time. The Raiders aren't at full strength. Connor Cook will be very good in two or three years. He's merely adequate now. I don't think that's good enough to win a playoff game on the road, let alone three. I think the Raiders bow out of this one, and the league gets a temporary reprieve before the true Raiders dynasty of the next decade begins in earnest. Have fun in Foxboro, you boring-ass good for nothing wannabes.
Texans win, 27-17.