Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chargers

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the Perfect 10, the Phenomenal One, the Heartbreak Kid, and the man who truly needs no gimmick, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today wishing to toot my own horn, for as all of the haters and detractors thought Raiderdamus was daft, was crazy, was off his rocker for picking the Raiders to lose at home to the Ravens, the Great Raiderdamus believed that he was right. And, of course, he was.

Another week is now upon us, the first of two consecutive divisional games. And in standing with time-honored tradition, I have once again summoned the Great Beyond to deliver unto us a message. This is what the All-Knowing One had to say.

“Back again, eh? Haven’t had enough punishment? That was a wild one last week. But I was right again, just like always. Who you got this week? The Chargers? Well isn’t that special. Nothing better than roasting a division rival like a Hawaiian pig.

When we examine the history of the Los Angeles Chargers of South-Central Milpitas, we see nothing but a long record of one spectacular failure after another. The Chargers started out in Los Angeles in 1960 and were promptly the fifth best football team in the greater metropolitan area, behind USC, UCLA, the Rams and Crenshaw High.

After one dismal season the Chargers packed up their stuff and moved to San Diego, where they spent over 50 years tarnishing the reputation of one of the loveliest cities on Earth. They were aggressively incompetent, wasting the careers of some all-time greats like Dan Fouts, Lance Alworth, Kellen Winslow Sr., Chuck Muncie and Wes Chandler.

But it hasn’t all been garbage. The Chargers have had some fantastic drafts over the years, and have spent four first-round picks on quarterbacks. Two of those quarterbacks have combined for three Super Bowl wins and three Super Bowl MVPs. Those two would be Drew Brees and Eli Manning. A third first-round QB is the current starter for the Chargers. Here’s how he feels when he thinks of that particular bit of information.

Philip Rivers doesn’t let it get him down. He knows that when he feels sad, he can just go home and fall into the loving arms of his wife. Philip Rivers is sad a lot, which is why he has eight children.

Rivers’ unusually large brood is clearly an attempt on his part to one-up his former teammate, 2006 first-round Chargers pick Antonio Cromartie, who has a sizable family of his own. As a defensive back, Antonio Cromartie could cover anything except his own dick.

Until VERY recently, this was true:

Bortles has pulled ahead in his personal war with Cromartie this year, but God help us all if Rivers ever takes the lead. How many backup quarterbacks does Mater Dei need?

One of the great hallmarks of the Chargers franchise is their propensity to get their players catastrophically injured. Jason Verrett is already on IR and out for the season. Mike Williams started the season on the injury list, though he looked just fine beating the tar out of Alabama last time we saw him. When is it time to place the blame on the Chargers’ training staff? Here’s an inside look at the Chargers’ training room.

The only thing that sustains drives for the Chargers team is their medical cart. Luckily, the Raiders should be able to help them with that on Sunday, as we have employees with experience in that field.

Another hallmark of the Chargers franchise is their systematic and ritual abuse of their fans. About a year ago, a Chargers fan who was clearly impaired by some substance and by years of Chargers-related trauma posted the following to a popular internet message board. Read if you dare.

hello. chargers need to win. i think they cand o that by applying more pressure on both sides of the ball. by dosng this they should draft good people that can do that. joey bosa is a good start but not good enough. i will alszso review their draft picks here. as i said joey bosa is a good but he was not th e best. they should have got jeremy tunsil. then in the next round they got hunter henery. i think he is goo d because he is a tight end like rob gronkowski who is also good. then they got max tuerk. this was a bad pick. they did not neeed a center. then they gotr joshua perry. this was an excellent pick. the biggest seal of the draft. he will mbe amazing. then they got drew paser a punter. this is a pure sit pick because he is a punter and it is late. i hate the chragrers for pickig this person. bten i forgive them for getting donovan clark. this is a good person. tunsil would be bette rthough. now that he have established the good of the draft picks we should see were thesee fit in. bosa can start riigh away. he is ready for it. hutner henery can aalso sart. i also beleve that max tuerk can start as well as s joshua perry. but not tat punter. ia also belueve donovan clark can do well bcause he is ctaully my second vousin. i do not if he can start though. but what about the quaerter back situation. phillip rivers is not that great abd he is aaging. if they want an aging old qb they should get peyont manning. i beleive theuy should have drafte dpaxton lynch. joey bosa is good btt he coudl ahve waited untitl the second round. paxtont lunch could have sstarted. i hate seeing him cry drafted by the broncoss. the chargers also signed lotes of udfass. whcih mean s undrafted free agent. will go go througg each one. first ikechi ariguzp. he is ok but we dont need old. then manuel aspiralla. we do not need cb, bad choice. then ben becjwith. this is a good signing. he can start. then cameron clemmons. anither good one. he can start. then titus davis. we dfinitely need wrs so this is okay. then nick dubar.nhhe is okay.then jahwan edwards. we do need rb bcause we signed dameraco murray. bad choice.then we signed erioc frohnhapefle. h won the chad pennington award is good. then curtis grant. def need ildb good. then brock hekking. this is good but i also would have rather brock oswwieler because we dont need rivers. then gordon hill. he is a good peosn. then josh lambo. another dumb punter. stop.then johhny lowder milk. we do need s so good. then ryan mueller. he has two positions which is weird. dont like. then brian parker. he was good. rhen dreamius smith. also good. thenf inally we have cole stoudt qb. this is the taelnt we need. the future of our franchise. rivers is old and bad. this is the toung yalent we want. then tyrell williams. good complement to stoudy. then again demetrious wilson. good backup to stoudy. by doing all ive said we can definitely became a great teama gain. use the plaeyrs well. go charge go

My God man, what have they done to you? Instead of paying a relocation fee, the Chargers should pay for this poor bastard’s therapy.

But what the Chargers actually did, mere months after this four-a.m.-text-to-the-English-language was written, was move to Los Angeles and set up shop in a soccer stadium that seats about half what their previous stadium did. And then they charged $100 for a parking pass. Not a ticket. A piece of paper that says you can leave your car there for three hours.

There is no good reason to move TO Los Angeles. There are great reasons to move FROM Los Angeles. Too much crime, shallow people, a culture of rampant greed and backstabbery. The sort of person who would intentionally move to such a place is a person obsessed with wealth, with short-term thinking, and with getting ahead without paying dues of any sort. A person who throws away the people closest to him, who love him the most, without a second thought when something shiny and new comes along.

We call people like that fuckboys, and the Chargers are the biggest fuckboys of all. Why did you do it, Chargers? How could you succumb to the siren song of wealth and fame, in a place that hates you? Show me on the doll where Harvey Weinstein touched you.

The Chargers deserve everything they get. They deserve to be booed in their own stadium, which will be filled with opposing fans until the end of time. They deserve to play in front of six people and a cat and have their television ratings go into the negative as more people watch reruns of Rupaul’s Drag Race on Bravo. At least Rupaul is loved in Los Angeles and never told his faithful fans to kiss his ass. Here’s Rupaul trying to find a Charger fan in Los Angeles.

The Chargers deserve to never make a chip-shot field goal again. They think they can just throw money and warm bodies at the problem, instead of spending a first-round pick on a kicker like a competent team would do. Here’s a preview of what the game is going to look like this weekend:

What the Chargers ought to do at this point is take their new stadium they’re going to share with the Rams, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up their candy ass. The only person happier than Raider fans this weekend will be the Chargers security guy who got fired for whackin’ it on the job, because he won’t have to watch this game.

Go charge go.

Raiders win, 27-20.”