We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the sayer of sooths, the Modern Day Maharajah, and the most must-see, A-list fortune teller ever witnessed, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. This article is a little early this week because the Raiders play the division-leading Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, which means the whole country will get to see what we’re made of.
In the interest of time, I, the Great Raiderdamus, have summoned the Great Beyond early in the week to deliver unto us a message. Here is what I received:
“Welcome back! After last week, I wouldn’t be surprised if you quit and never talked to me again. Quitting seems like it’s what the Raiders do best these days. But there’s always another week. Who you got this week? The Chiefs?
Well, this is going to be a short message. Because this is a roast, and no roast lasts very long around Andy Reid.
For years, the NFL was accustomed to the Chiefs playing bland, boring, ineffective ball-control football under the likes of Marty Schottenheimer, Herman Edwards and Romeo Crennel. It was predictable and simple. And then they hired Andy Reid, seen here spreading his particular brand of Kool-Aid to his players:
The Andy Reid message is this: We’ll look like a legitimate team in the regular season, and then we’ll underachieve in the playoffs and fold against the first team that plays defense. Reid did it with the Eagles and he’s done it with the Chiefs. Reid’s horrible time management is mostly to blame. The only thing Reid loves more than a roast is to eat the clock. I won’t sugarcoat it because he’ll eat that too. Andy Reid’s blood type is A1. The only thing Andy Reid has assured the 2017 Chiefs is that they’ll be the best football team in the state of Missouri.
One of the keys to Kansas City’s success as of late is the emergence of speedster receiver Tyreek Hill, who in 2014 while enrolled at Oklahoma State was arrested for strangling and beating the snot out of his pregnant girlfriend. Hill fits perfectly with Reid, because neither Hill nor Reid are known for keeping their children safe, and both are notorious choke artists.
Tyreek Hill’s fastest recorded speed last year was 23.25 MPH. However, that’s not a team record, because Derrick Thomas went way faster.
The wonderful thing about the Chiefs making the playoffs is that you don’t know how it’s going to end badly, but you know that it will. Spin the Wheel of Chiefs Playoff Blunders!
Spin it again!
A few years ago, Alex Smith was sitting at home on a Sunday night in May, watching Game of Thrones. His friends had told him that the upcoming episode featured something called the Red Wedding.
“Wow!” thought Smith. “Maybe a Chiefs fan will finally get to kiss a girl.”
But as Smith watched the episode, he began to get agitated and angry at the deaths of several beloved characters. He became so cross, he threw his remote at his wall. But the wall was more than fifteen feet away from Smith’s recliner, so the remote fell harmlessly to the floor.
Smith doesn’t have any children with his wife for the opposite reason that Joe Flacco doesn’t. Smith always completes it, but he never goes deep.
The really discouraging part of the Chiefs being total ass for the last ten years is that the great Eric Berry plays for them. Berry has heroically tried to kick cancer, but he should know that Chiefs never make their kicks. The universe tried to keep Berry off the Chiefs by any means necessary, and after Plan A of cancer didn’t work, the universe cut Berry’s Achilles like a mob hitman cutting the brakes in a stool pigeon’s car. Get well soon, Eric.
It’s great for the Chiefs that they’ll play in Oakland on a Thursday night. That leaves them an entire weekend to drive south and go to Disneyland, something no Chief has done since 1970.
There may be Chiefs fans who read this message and get upset. But the words of the Great Beyond to a Chiefs fan is just like the Lamar Hunt Trophy: They just don’t get it.
But while we may point and laugh at the Chiefs for being the most disappointing thing since Guns ‘N Roses’ Chinese Democracy album, the Raiders have troubles of their own. They’re just not playing very well right now, and it’s hard to imagine new MLB signee Navorro Bowman making much of a difference if he even plays. The Chiefs have Oakland’s number. And that number, if you happen to be dating a Chiefs player, is 911.
Chiefs win, 33-13.”