Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Bills

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, your host with the most, your Ghost to the Post, your Provost of Roasts, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today elated, as the Raiders have had a week and a half of rest after a victory over the Chiefs. That victory was not last-second, it was no-second. The Raiders literally created time, the very fabric of the universe, out of nothing to beat the Chiefs in front of a raucous Oakland crowd.

But the Raiders will march on toward a playoff berth, and the next stop on that journey is in Buffalo. Just like I do each week during the season, I have summoned the almighty Great Beyond to give us his omniscient take on what is in store for the Raiders this week. Here is the message I received:

“Well, it looks like the Raiders took care of business against the Chefs last week. Glad to see it. Who do you have this week? The Bills? Oh man, this is gonna be rough. The Bills are like Arsenio Hall, because the last time they were relevant or funny was in 1993.

The Bills haven’t even been relevant enough to inspire new jokes in decades. Hell, you can legally have sex with their playoff drought in a couple dozen states. All the jokes about the Bills are so old, they fart dust. I have four pretty good ones, but I’m not sure any of them are winners.

The Bills may not have ever amounted to much in America, but there are countless African villages which believe the Bills to be the greatest American sports team since the 1970s Minnesota Vikings.

The Bills’ offense hasn’t done very much since Marv Levy and Jim Kelly called it a career. The greatest drive ever by a Bills player was in a white Bronco.

If only Jim Kelly had played cancer in the Super Bowl, he’d have won twice.

Western New York, unlike New York City, is a stronghold of traditional values, conservative politics, and obesity. It makes sense that the people there are both Wide and Right.

The Buffalo Bills are the third most popular team in New York, and are the only team that actually plays in the state. Thus, New York remains without a single Super Bowl win.

It’s pretty funny that they’re called the Buffalo Bills. The only Bill that ever wins in Buffalo is Belichick.

Of course, there was a time before Bill Belichick was Buffalo’s daddy. A time where the Bills could stand on their own like a real franchise and make the playoffs. Let’s relive the last time they were there:

Well, that’s not a great look! The last time the Bills won a playoff game, Bill Clinton was President, and he had yet to defeat the ticket of Bob Dole and Jack Kemp, a former Bills quarterback. That was 22 years ago. My, how times have changed. Currently the former owner of the USFL’s New Jersey Generals is the President.

The Generals started quarterback Doug Flutie, and he performed well in 1985 for the current President. The Bills, however, benched Flutie for the 1998 Playoffs in favor of- I shit you not- Rob Johnson, and the play you see above was the result. This move was not made by head coach Wade Phillips, but rather owner Ralph Wilson, in keeping with his tradition of presiding over the biggest frozen turd sandwich in the NFL.

The Bills are allergic to success. The Indianapolis Colts have won the AFC East more recently than the Bills, and the Colts left the division in 2001. The Bills in 2014 drafted Sammy Watkins instead of Khalil Mack, and he worked out so well they traded him this season to the Rams for cornerback E.J. Gaines. Would you rather have Khalil Mack, or E.J. Gaines?

This, then, is the world in which Bills fans find themselves. This is why they are the drunkest fans in the NFL, and why they must amuse themselves by fornicating in the parking lot before, during, and after games. This is why they have no hope, and why their only source of pleasure is getting fucked by Tom Brady twice a year.

The Bills have, at least, attempted to bring offensive firepower to their team, unlike some other teams who just draft linemen and hope for the best. Looking at you, Chefs. Travis Henry was supposed to be the next big thing at running back for Buffalo. Let’s ask Google how he worked out!

Henry has fathered at least 11 children by 10 different women. Henry has had on-going problems making his child support payments to the mothers of nine of his children. He was arrested in Polk County, Florida in March 2009 and charged with failing to pay $16,600 in child support.

That seems bad! I’d make an Antonio Cromartie joke here, but Cromartie at least takes care of his children, and by that I mean he has a reality show where he actively exploits them.

It’s like Chrisley Knows Best, but way less white and closeted.

J.P. Losman was also supposed to be a franchise savior. How did he do?

Not only did Losman constantly look high as fuck, he played like it too, with TD/INT ratio of 33:34. That’s not great.

So the Bills kept looking. They made what was possibly the worst quarterback reach of all time, taking our own EJ Manuel in the first round (!!!) of the 2013 Draft. This was considered a bad move, and has made many people very angry.

But the Bills have finally found a good quarterback in Virginia Tech alum and former Baltimore backup Tyrod Taylor. While Taylor is somewhat on the short side, anyone who watched him in college could tell you that he is a star, and will win you games. However, the Bills still haven’t reached the playoffs with Taylor, not even with LeSean McCoy sharing the backfield.

Here’s the updated playoff win count since 1995:

Tim Tebow: 1

Buffalo Bills: 0

The Bills are essentially the Curb Your Enthusiasm of football teams. Here’s how most people look when watching a Bills game:

After Derek Carr, Amari Cooper and could-have-been-a-Bill Khalil Mack are done with the Bills on Sunday, here’s the song that will play after the game:

Raiders win, 30-20.”